the prestige

I just had a dream that Elton John was on an outdoor daytime stage with an invited fan to his left playing and doing some fantastical tricks on an upright piano he was making sound like a grand.

After she responds by showing some gumptions and trying to really play something, he responds by doing a hearty impression of some R&B/neosoul-ish song of recent vintage that would be sort of impressive if he knew, but I really liked.


This is what happens when you're two phones failed to roust you enough that you come out of sleep.

Whatever the song is, it has resulted in something that was completely made up by my brain called "Where Did/Does Love Go (and Have You Found Out the Meaning)" which sounds to be remarkably inspired by René & Ángela's hit "My First Love".

There was no music playing while I was asleep, save for whatever accompanied my roommates television watching.

Such is what my brain is capable of in its sleep mode.

Bluetech

"The mistake is continually made of considering these types as transitions between absolute Caucasians and absolute Negroes."

"No such absolute type ever existed on either side. Both were slowly differentiated from a common ancestry and continually remingled their blood while the differentiating was progressing. From prehistoric times down to to-day Africa is, in this sense, primarily the land of the mulatto. So, too, was earlier Europe and Asia; only in these countries the mulatto was early bleached by the climate, while in Africa he was darkened."

Du Bois, W. E. B., 1915, The Negro (p. 8). Kindle Edition.

Reachin'

Just saw this chile go all the way down the back of her sports tights to adjust her thongly doings.

Perhaps she thought I'd left the room.

Hopefully she washes her hand before she touches the food.

For the first time. ever

"Say I ain't tryin' to, to - whatchu call that shit - stereotype, but you got some weed?"

respect and appreciation.

new york is slightly less horrible tonight.

(walking north on the west side of ave A btwn 7th/8th)

Sze Man Chan

Glowrious

Tonight, after seeing a reading of a friend's play that I find interesting and genuinely good, I was standing around running my insufferable yack as is my general wont when one of the actors came over. She introduced herself and said that we'd met before at an audition (which is entirely possible, I have come to accept that I have already come across anybody in this city who is "of color" and an actor), though I wouldn't recognize her because her hair was straight at the time.

Then she stated that she remembered me because I was so pretty.

Now, I have been complimented for appearance in the past, and used to dress kind of nice and was likely referred to for at least some time as a pretty boy, but never quite in this manner....it was strange as a male....and..just strange.

She went on thought to explain that she meant I had a "pretty aura"....

The other lady I was speaking to at the time (whom I'd just done a reading with) agreed.

??

 Hm.

A pretty aura. Interesting.

I guess I'd had a good audition? I try to be encouraging regardless of my relationship to the audition room on that particuarly day. Performers go through enough. I feel like if I'm going to not get it, let me not get it because someone brought that fire: so let me radiate some heat.

You know?


...

It's difficult for we self-deprecative curmudgeons to accept praise, particularly when it might suggest we are anything but wholly curmudgeonly creatures.

So ... "pretty aura".

hm...

interesting.

:-#

Kollektiv Turmstrasse - Ordinary (Lake People's Circle Motive Remix)

 

(pinokoface)

Sophie & Ives - Awaken

Random Re: twowheelistry

On in-permanence and the ephemeral nature of wonderful old people who you wish would be there forever

(Below are a couple long e-mail responses sent a few years ago to a friend who had just graduated to that part of life when she became a member of her middle generation - her parents are now the oldest generation, a bit of the details about my experience during my progenitors' lastdays/moments and a bit of my ramblings about us as a species, just-sort-of-come-across-without-looking while doing this morning's email survey. Italics indicate additions for clarity.)
___

I'm unsure if I ever laid out this timeline, but...


   In February of my second semester at college, the phone woke me up one morning. It was my mother who called to tell me that my Aunt Gwen was dead.

   Out of the blue

   They came and got me for the funeral, and I went. I flew back to Houston - it was the only time I flew while in school...actually it was the first time I'd been in a plane since the single digits and the last until I was in grad school many years later....

   I know I talked to my grandmother during that, but I've no idea what I said or what the last thing she said to me was,

but I know that was the last thing she said to me, or least the last time I heard the voice that I recognized...

  Two weeks after my aunt's funeral, she had a stroke and never regained the use of more than half of her body. It probably wasn't even half.

  The last time I spoke to her and she was at all lucid, it was at my aunt's house . At that point I think she could utter sound, but used a block (a kid's letter block) to indicate responses and a basic hand signing system that she and her daughters had worked out. She could use one hand enough to wipe her face a little - she could (not) close her mouth fully, so saliva would run down her cheek. I don't remember what I said and didn't really know what to say...much as I doubt I knew what to say the last time I saw her standing...

   Something blandly encouraging..I don't know.

   I didn't stay in the room long. I leaned down and hugged her a little or kissed her cheek; I think I was worried about making her feel self-conscious of her getting my face wet. I think she
   reached up with the arm that wasn't paralyzed.

   That was probably 3 months after the stroke.

   She'd go on to have another two strokes before passing as the sky was becoming dawn-colored on the first day of the following year.
 
   She was 3 weeks shy of turning 66 (according birth records).

   A few months later, my other grandmother, who'd lived for a few years after having her first stroke and being taken care of by her (numerous) daughters passed in Illinois. The last time I saw her she was in a  wheel chair...I doubt she recognized me.

   The only grandfather I've ever known was her husband. He'd passed back in October of 1991. The last time I saw him was in a hospital with my dad. I remember my dad handing him his urinal so he could relieve himself. I thought of that later when I had my night's stay for my knee surgery. I tried the urinal. I failed. I had to change beds. He had a better handle on his situation than I did*.

   That gaunt, tired face is what I see on my father more and more.

   Along with his mother's bowed, stubby, African forest, super-calf
   legs.

   (I assume that's where he gets it from anyway).

   I never really knew any of them. I think I tried to talk to my maternal (Annie M.) once while I stayed a couple weeks with her before college. Don't remember (much of) anything about it. My paternal (family) (Marie B.) I spent far less time around. They lived farther away.

   My mom's grandmother actually outlived my grandmother. She died while I was up here. No excuse for not trying to talk to her more.

  My mom tried to find out about her biological father from her, but didn't really get anything.

   (shrug)

(friend: But what does one do with all of one's grandparents passed on?)

   correction - Marie B. was a year after Annie M. I had one family death near me for each of my first 3 years of school.

  You prepare your self to be the vessel to pass what they had on to those who never knew or barely knew (them).

  I think more and more that we are far more like ants than we think...humanity is a colony. Like mold >:)


  We all birth, we all live, we all die.


  But we exist as a whole...each individual life is not so important as we like to make it in the "West".

  As one of us is born, we are all born,

  so on with life and death.

  We are nothing without the connection. I used to think that greatness justifies the connection, but it is the connection that inspires greatness ( I think ).

  Thus, we come and we go.

WE come and WE go.

  The only way to deal with the loss, is to perpetuate them.

  And I don't mean "they'll always be alive as long as we remember...."

  I mean pass them on in spirit as much as they passed on their DNA. Understand what they wanted to give. Eventually you understand it the way they did.

  About that time is probably when it will be time for someone to pass it on for you (us).

  Human life really is a blink. You have your eyes open for a while,

and then blink.

___



*(it is only now, 3 years later, that I recognize this unintended pun and insert a posthumous rim shot)

Yesterday/Today/Just now I -

- let time get away and drove into Manhattan to be on time, got stuck behind a kerosene truck, was late....decided to take a shot by taking a right on Mercer and saw a delivery guy getting in his truck parked right in front of a long line of blocked spaces....got to go home early and was tipped $15 in cash on the spot to "help with gas".

- realized there was MUCH more work to do on the Trek, realized I need to get some pictures of the Raleigh so I could at least get it on eBay before the week started, decided to check craigslist for "bike wanted" - responded to the only there which happened to be asking for exactly what the Raleigh is, offered to come into the city before dark, realized that I had somehow misplaced a necessary part, decided to just be honest about it, ended up more than what I wanted despite all that...

- walked down Columbus trying to make the bus in time to use my transfer, saw a tourist family being oblivious and yelled for a teen to watch out who (of course) responded that she wasn't in the middle of the street (she might as well have been), barked back that she was and that it was her choice if she wanted to die, kept stepping, heard some run trot up beside me and say "thank you for saving my daughter's life" and was thanked by daughter daughter herself a few steps later ("thank you for saving my life").


Then I made the bus.


....;-p

Censhorship y Azucaaaaaar

I am currently having trouble controlling the potty mouth.

I have also gone from craving pancakes to donuts.

The former, I believe has to with waking up @3a and watching nerdflix constantly since.

The latter, I blame on Leslie Knope.

Smoking the Mirror - Audio Documentation of a Stop-and-Frisk

I will purr and bounce

at just about any song that incorporates a synth vamp/pitch bends.

May you use this knowledge wisely.

“You go about God’s work in your way,

and I'll go about it in His."

from this.

Roger Ebert: 1942 -2013

"We were getting ready to go home today for hospice care, when he looked at us, smiled, and passed away."

 

....


His final blog, here.

Communion

I've thought about therapeutic things in the past few months, both in terms of giving and receiving.

I've thought about needing mental therapy and my (completely unschooled or licensed) ability to give it.

I've thought about meditation. I've participated in it a few times. On rare occasion I've tried it by myself. I think I've only managed to achieve what I would think of as a meditative state accidentally.

(which is prolly  how it works).

I have recently noticed that I respond strongly to music that puts me in a meditative state....though this isn't music I listen to for that purpose. I listen to it because I like it, it helps me focus.

But, recently, I'm really noticing how strongly I react - how much of a change takes place with meditative music.

It's like:

"oh, that's ----- OH, that's!

Ohhhhhhhhh - > mmmmmmm.

Yeah."

So, I think this is my self showing me what I need.

Recognition of purpose, notwithstanding:

there is suddenly

so much happening right now.

 Today I heard a song that caused me to feel so much I was left speechless. I still feel different for having heard it. Some 12/13 hours later I have yet to listen to it or any other music....perhaps out of subconcious fear of being pulled out of somewhere I need to be, or a new place that I just want to be in.

 Thursday, I reached out to someone. Saturday I heard the voice of someone I've thought about nigh daily for 12 years for the first time in ... I can't even quite figure it now, but close to the same amount of time. The sound was jarring. Expecting something down-to-earth, soft yet pragmatic. I heard something matter-of-fact and urgent, immediate, pragmatism born of experience, indignant, hardened, hurt - a lot like what I've heard many times up here and thought "this is what this strange life does to you -- thiis is why I can't have a life from anyone raised in this... too hard, too much pain to beat up against,".

 Friday, I thought there was an inconvenient truth. Today, I understand that what needs to be is not scheduled according to my timeline.

 Sunday, I related to someone's pain. A little while ago I remembered that I once asked God to "make me a healer".

 Monday I asked a leading question....and today the respondent had already made it to the next step .

 A few weeks ago, I said something that I had to say to move on. And today I am here.

 ...

so, much is happening.


apparently, it really is spring.

U.N.K.L.E - Bloodstain (from Psyence Fiction)

Kenji Williams - Aura

Northcape - Grove Park

The universe

is doing it.

again.

Fresh Moods - One Two

("Love & Happiness")

After two weeks of reading

on an e-Ink-based device, I can say that I prefer it to a book, unless said book is bound in a way that all pages are flat when the book is open.

That typical page curve does weird things to my brain.


Now, if only I could get a 7 inch reader that's digital ink and just a hair more square...

Social Media Is Bullsh!t, Chapter 8...

...in general.


(read it)

Fresh Moods: Fever

Makebelieve Madness

I just had a dream where I think I was reliving the glory of my alma mater playing my grad school in basketball....except I was playing FOR my alma mater....and it seemed we were playing on a much-upgraded version of the only place I played organized basketball: my junior high school gym.

"My Bad Sex Wasn't Rape"

Interesting.

Cyberpunk_derivatives

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberpunk_derivatives

Humor: explained

 

(Tom Haverford) 

+ 

("hOw Does IT feEl?") 

= 

{guffaw}

Fila Brazilia - AZed (Coldcut touch-up)

A downtembient classic. One of my favorites, always eliciting the nodded head.

glisten.

 

Telefon Tel Aviv - Fahrenheit Fair Enough

Pentaura (Pentatonik Mix)

yes.

Yes.

YES.

Krishna, from chapter 12

"Who hateth nought Of all which lives, living himself benign, Compassionate, from arrogance exempt, Exempt from love of self, unchangeable By good or ill; patient, contented, firm In faith, mastering himself, true to his word, Seeking Me, heart and soul; vowed unto Me,— That man I love! Who troubleth not his kind, And is not troubled by them; clear of wrath, Living too high for gladness, grief, or fear, That man I love! Who, dwelling quiet-eyed,[FN#25] Stainless, serene, well-balanced, unperplexed, Working with Me, yet from all works detached, That man I love! Who, fixed in faith on Me, Dotes upon none, scorns none; rejoices not, And grieves not, letting good or evil hap Light when it will, and when it will depart, That man I love! Who, unto friend and foe Keeping an equal heart, with equal mind Bears shame and glory; with an equal peace Takes heat and cold, pleasure and pain; abides Quit of desires, hears praise or calumny In passionless restraint, unmoved by each; Linked by no ties to earth, steadfast in Me, That man I love! But most of all I love Those happy ones to whom 'tis life to live In single fervid faith and love unseeing, Drinking the blessed Amrit of my Being!:



{Anonymous (2011-03-24). The Song celestial; or, Bhagabad-gîtâ (from the Mahâbhârata) being a discourse between Arjuna, prince of India, and the Supreme Being under the form of Krishna (Kindle Locations 788-799).  . Kindle Edition}


(I currently have no idea what "FN#25" indicates. I always thought it was mis-or-uninterpretated code)

Theme Song

Dammit, Jim Henson.

Water

While watching P & R on NF, I just realized that I had a dream last night that I was on a late run of the ferry and they used a fastboat instead of the real ferry.

Not the first dream I've had being on the ferry...

Once, I think I dreamed I rode on the extreme outside of a boat...also pretty sure I went into the water at least once.

Directing lesson #....

I would like to permanently and universally replace the idiom "we went another direction" with "we chose somebody else".

The truth may hurt now; un-truth may not hurt now.

-but-

One is medicine:

The other is poison.

Busy - Avogadro

I wish I had more than 30 seconds to offer you....



(in...

and

ooooooouuuuuuuuuuuut.......)

Leer

Not to beat the dead, depressed horse, but I find myself rapt with embarassment in addition to the overall theme of disappointment apparent in the past several months (@least).

However, reading "The Negro" by W.E.B. DuBois on an E-Ink device has managed to divert my attention from general malaise in the immediate moment.

I may slowly be coming to the resolution that I am supposed to be teaching something somewhere.

This would be a realization had it not already been that more than a decade ago.

Perhaps this will be the solar cycle that I get over the common feeling that teaching is the result of failure.


Thinking about it now, there was a time when I would have been adamant to vehement against such a suggestion.


Oh, to be so prodigal...

Jungle truth

Then something began to hurt inside him, as he had never been hurt in his life before, and he caught his breath.

"What is it? What is it?" he said. "I do not know what this is. Am I dying?"

"No, Little Brother. That is only tears such as men use. Let them fall."

Currently debating

on whether to even bother trying to get some sleep before trying to make a 6:40a boat to get to LIC by 8a.



I really hope this bg "photo shoot" doesn't turn out to be an 8hr thing.

VHS Head - Rent Responsibly

From a rocking chair on a porch:

I know I am old now because I find un-childed newlywed couples and their small, sparse, urban homes cute.



Instead of annoying.






(I am aware of the slight formatting issue above. I'm sure it annoys me to no end. I am unsure when I'll care enough to fix it.)

Anachronism

This pic looks like it was taken 15-20 years into it's future.

I've had enough of the whining from upstairs

not merely because I've had my fill of the 40s construction with floors thin enough for me to be able to make out "Dod-dyyy!! Can I please....".

It is also because this is happening at 1:05am ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

OUT PUT THAT CHILD IN THE DAMN BED UNLESS YOU'RE HOME SCHOOLING HER.

 edit: this likely came from downstairs

grafitti

Revisiting the "Atlas" theme for a second...

(click for context)

So: "Place your pain here".

Got it? Good. Now -

I have a secret: I want to be a super hero.

That is my dream.

Not acting, or being famous, or opening a business.

Not pretend to be. Actually be.


And that's my problem. I don't operate much in the tangible.


And...


It has just occurred to me that I have reached (and been for some time at) the point where I need a place to put mine...


Maybe muscle tone isn't the only thing you lose with age.

T.Raumschmiere - Someday

My general stance

on dumb-goofy characters is disdain, but I must admit an affinity for Erin.

That ##:!? Just said "I was reading the mattress tag and fell asleep."

People keep

Speaking to me in public like they know me...including waving while driving.


cWj

Just heard

while walking down 8th Ave:

"is that you're real ass or your stripper ass...."
cWj

BEP perfectly summarized:

"It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll, it's rap for people who don't like rap, it's pop for people who don't like pop."

Robert California
"The Office"
Season 8, Ep. 10

Emad Burnat's Academy questionaire

http://cdn.media.oscar.abc.com/media/2013/pdf/nominees/documentary-feature-5-broken-cameras-emad-burnat.jpg

no. (fb)

Today is one of those days where I find blackfolX reaction to something
likely mis-aimed.

This is part of the reason why I've decided to make today a fb fast day.

Yesterday started as a food fast day.

It ended with me eating an entire mediocre, overpriced pizza.

(which blew out 3 other separate things I'd mostly made a divestiture from)

Let's see if today's venture sticks.

Hallucination

Had a dream I was in a class setting with a teacher that seemed to have it out for me. It involved reading something in a way that I couldn't quite do proficiently, me feeling conspicuous, that class feeling awkward at obvious conflict. Or something.


cWj

I would love it

If I could one day (soon) manage to stop screwing up in bunches.

cWj

I just heard

"Times a Wastin'" for the first time on the train.

One would think it wouldn't have taken listening to it for 12 years for that to happen.

A Plea for Help

Please, make me stop watching The Office (US) on my mother's netflix so I can get something done.

half

I have, for the first time in my life so far as I know, seen a picture of my brother's biological father.

la pluma

I just scratched out a section on a script and noticed the smell of ball-point ink for the first time.

Ever.

Fox News Claims Solar Won't Work In US Because It's Not Sunny Like Germany

Will Oremus, SLATE

Thanks to Fox News and its expert commentators, millions of Americans now understand the real, hidden reason why Germany's solar-energy industry is so much further along than ours. Turns out it has nothing to do with the fact that Germany's government has long supported the industry far more generously, with policies like feed-in tariffs that stimulate investment in green technologies. No, the real reason is much simpler, explained a trio of journalists on Fox & Friends: It's always sunny in Germany!

"The industry's future looks dim," intoned host Gretchen Carlson at the beginning of the segment, which was preserved for posterity by the liberal blog Media Matters for America. She and her co-host went on to ridicule Obama's "failed" solar subsidies, adding, "The United States simply hasn't figured out how to do solar cheaply and effectively. You look at the country of Germany, it's working out great for them." Near the end of the segment, it occurred to Carlson to ask her expert guest, Fox Business reporter Shibani Joshi, why it might be that Germany's solar-power sector is doing so much better. "What was Germany doing correct? Are they just a smaller country, and that made it more feasible?" Carlson asked.

Joshi's jaw-dropping response: "They're a smaller country, and they've got lots of sun. Right? They've got a lot more sun than we do." In case that wasn't clear enough for some viewers, Joshi went on: "The problem is it's a cloudy day and it's raining, you're not gonna have it." Sure, California might get sun now and then, Joshi conceded, "but here on the East Coast, it's just not going to work."

Gosh, why hasn't anyone thought of that before? Wouldn't you think that some scientist, somewhere, would have noticed that the East Coast is far less sunny than Central Europe and therefore incapable of producing solar power on the same scale?

You would—if it were true. As Media Matters' Max Greenberg notes, it isn't. Not even remotely. According to maps put out by the U.S. Department of Energy's National Renewable Energy Laboratory, virtually the entirety of the continental United States gets more sun than even the sunniest part of Germany. In fact, NREL senior scientist Sarah Kurtz said via email, "Germany's solar resource is akin to Alaska's," the U.S. state with by far the lowest annual average of direct solar energy.

I look forward to Fox News' correction. Meanwhile, enjoy toggling between the video above and the map below and shaking your head.

wood

I can hear someone snoring in the building.

I need to move somewhere apartments don't exist.

U gotsa to chill..!

I still don't understand tights as outerwear, particularly when it's cold.

There is a reason ski suits are puffy.

Yeah. Pretty much. Life.

(all enjoyable; referring to 11:06 specifically)

I'm just slightly embarrassed that my common though not constant attitude toward sex has been so succinctly summarized without my input.

Amy Farah Fowler

Dream that

I got some kind of mange that was swiftly turning my face/head hair white.

Causing me to like like a b/w Wookie/wolfman.

The beast doth make the world tremble and yawn.

cWj

More from Arjun

"where there is truth, there is victory"

From "Arjun"

"Focus on your task and fear will take care of itself."


cWj

I dreamed last night

That I had a job driving a van that involved parking on a college campus....and I parked my car (the Galant) in a parking garage and had to ask co-worker to come help me find it.

One wonders if this had anything to do with someone last night asking about my car getting towed.

Night before last I had a very short dream that consisted of me going outside and my car not being where I left it.

This place is making me old and crazy.

An Abbreviated Converstation with HP Support

(me): I have an out of warranty device that's bricked. I've tried all the un-bricking methods you offer. How much would it cost to repair the unit?

(they): We're sorry that you are having an issue, please try {all the same stuff he already said he tried}. As your device is outside of the one-year warranty period, the charge for replacing it will be of $385. If you wish to go ahead and process the repair, please contact us again by replying to this email.

(me): Let me get this straight....your were {badgrammar spawned of incredulity} selling this EXACT SAME device for $149.99 BRAND NEW. And it will cost *$385* to replace??

(they): Unfortunately yes, HP has determined that the repair cost of this unit is of $385 dollars. I'm sorry we cannot provide an {badgrammar caused by employment at an ineffectively run corporation} specific reason why HP closed the repair cost at this value. We understand that it is high based in the final price that you have payed. Sadly, there are no discounts or exceptions that we can apply. At the same time, HP is no longer selling extended warranties for webOS devices

(me):  :-|

Mcgullets

I am currently fighting the urge to go get a 20 piece. I blame Burger King.

It may have actually been a decade since I've eaten an McNugget.

Trying to keep it that way.

re: "time"

"Time, you can't see it, you can't weigh it, you can't measure in a laboratory... It's a subjective sense of becoming what we are/will become..."

"Clocks measure time -"

"No, they measure themselves. The objective measure of a clock is another clock."

from The Man from Earth

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAT.

and wheezy.

and easily cramped.

Fresh Moods - Rhythmbreeze

Air - You Can Tell IT to Everybody

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2JocxBaGpE

Okay, there is positively nothing I can say about "The Message" that hasn't been said. The world (me included) absolutely froze in its tracks the week it debuted on radio in June of '82. Hip-hop was once known as party fodder, a fad. "The Message" pulled a 180 and proved it could be a tool of sociopolitical change. Being 11, I was as sheltered as sheltered could get. My cousin had to translate all the street terms and jail talk I had never heard before. (I saw nothing wrong with being a "pip" – they danced real good for Gladys! I just had trouble figuring out why a young girl would need one to make it in the streets.) Even my father had to confess he liked it better than that "hippidy hoppidy" song. And when the last minute of the song came on, my dad saw fit that we should have "the talk." Ah yes, "the talk." The one he's been giving me every year of my life. The rules of safety and survival – not with the streets, but with cops. You just gotta understand that the average black man walks around assuming that most people think he's guilty. So the need to make people feel at ease has been instilled in us at an early age. "If a cop addresses you on the street, you are to address him in clear English with 'Yes, sir.' Any movement made must be sllllloooooooowwww. This is to ensure you do not get shot 'by accident.' Do not run in the neighborhood, because that's suspicious..."

I'm sorry, y'all. As I'm typing this, I'm shaking my head – because on one hand, it's so degrading to see these words and it's so emasculating to abide by them. Then I think about the night a few years ago when I got frisked on the hood of the car and then placed in a cop car while they searched for whatever it was they were looking for, and I kept praying they wouldn't figure out how to open the trunk, because there was no way in hell they'd believe I was the owner of a deluxe Scrabble game and a bunch of psychology books from Borders. They told me there was high theft of mini-coops from the dealership I just happened to be parked at, unaware. I told them the irony was, I had pulled over to take a phone call since it was against the law to talk and drive. Of course, driving that type of car in Orange County left me wide open. It was Super Tuesday in 2008, and I was campaigning before the Grammys. I just kept thinking, "Wow, I broke Dad's promise not to ever be a part of this cliche of a scene just like the last minute of 'The Message.'"

I answered questions as best I could, which was working against me because my natural proper English could be seen as "uppity." Add four cops to the mix who are asking questions like "Assistant?" "Your office?" They must have thought we were all quick-thinking Axel Foleys who can double-talk their way out of being arrested. Eventually I was let go when the rental service verified me as the renter. I drove back to my Beverly Hills hotel livid and angry and helpless and about to lose my head. It is like a jungle, still.

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/questloves-top-50-hip-hop-songs-of-all-time-20121217/grandmaster-flash-the-furious-five-the-message-1982-19691231#ixzz2FwiqDcOR 
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Beastie Boys - "Hold It, Now Hit It" (acapulco)

I am, frankly, amazed at how much better this is without the track.

too good for facebook

from chron.com:

Razqia Al Tuma, from Iraq, and Brayan Rodriguez, from Honduras, compete to answer a question during a vocabulary lesson in the 'self-contained' class at Las Americas Middle School on Thursday, April 12, 2012, in southwest Houston. The self contained class is an elementary style class that helps students acclimate to the U.S. school system for those who have never been to school in their own country or have significant gaps in their schooling.

PHOTO BY MAYRA BELTRAN/HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Universal ass-whoopin

There are several postings I should have made over the past year and change that I haven't. I can sum them up this way: The Universe has had its existential foot in my ass and I think I asked for it.

It started after getting back onto the stage after a roughly two-year absence. I'd previously come to the conclusion that lack of humility is the greatest enemy to potential, that I hadn't been humble, that I was willing to take any part in a piece - including not being on stage - in order to be a part of a production. I auditioned for a Shakespeare piece and was offered a much larger role than I expected. I tried taking more responsibility in it than I had before (union deputy). I finished the run confident that I'd done some good work, but far from perfect, and believing I had and understanding and more confidence in what my particular skill set is.

Soon after it, I auditioned for two more pieces. The first, I didn't put nearly the work into. I thought I "knew" what was being looked for. I didn't even get a callback. I attributed it to that same hubris.
I asked God to humble me.

There was another play...this time I was offered it, but turned it down in order to work. Mind, this wasn't the work I came here to do, but it paid far better in the short term and I had lived off a credit card while doing the Shakes show. I turned it down.

As I'd taken on more responsibility doing the play, I was interested in doing the same in a management context. I ended up getting that chance thrust upon me far sooner than expected and immediately was dealing with all of its pitfalls. I dealt with it because I thought it might afford me a better chance later on. A chance to travel and work closer to my kinfolk and clear out my credit card debt.
I found myself making the same mistake in this as I had during the show. Not speaking up when I should leading to an injury that case and having to deal with hurt feelings in this one.

So, the spring passed into summer, and that chance to travel never occurred the way I thought I was assured it would. I worked hard and often and was close to finishing my stint with this company when I was offered a chance to manage officially l, be salaried, have time to audition. There was a bug in my ear letting me know I was bring asked to replace a person who'd just left. I'd gotten a chance for several months to see how this company worked and that, in spite of how relaxed it tried to show itself to be, it was as corporate a place as any I'd spent the previous ten years trying to avoid.

I felt I knew what it was....looking at the chance to make the money I didn't get to before, I accepted anyway.

In short it was what it I thought it was and I found out I didn't have the wherewithal to put on the mask that would carry me through.

And as much as I felt like I was being used as the scapegoat that I knew I was being hired to be, I didn't leave when I could have because I did not want to be a quitter. I wanted to complete the job I said I would do.
Which, of course, meant I was asked to leave.
Humbled.
The best part? Not only did I not make the money I hoped to, I ended getting charged over 500 bux in bank fees for using my account to buy supplies for said company. But, hey, my decision, right?
so.
I spend up what money I have left from that and manage to get cast on a certain primetime police drama. Instead of using that money to start the transition away from here that I'd planned for the previous two years, I decide to hang around and see if I can get something going with regard to my "career".

This lead to further humility - going back to an agent I hadn't spoken to in years (that one seemed like a good exercise, actually), auditioning for a chance to go to Scotland only to find out that it was filled without my consideration, getting cast in a small role in a play I'd already done with a lead I was....annoyed by....and staying in that play instead of asking out when I knew I wouldn't enjoy it.

(one day I will follow my own advice)

Since Scotland didn't work out, I accepted a lead role in another piece.
A week and a half later, Scotland was an option again. I chose the piece I'd already committed to.
This somehow signalled the demons which had previously been absent on the project to suddenly make themselves apparent. Jealousy, silliness, acrimony....and I hate how I dealt with it. Almost as soon as I had made the decision to stay with the show, I regretted it. I could never really enjoy it after that. I felt self-conscious in performance. I couldn't wait to get the run over. It wasn't even 10 shows.

I didn't have a good performance or even audition after that for...months...at least 3.

And then I get an audition for another network police drama.

When I go to it, after putting the hard work that I had been afraid to in the few months prior, I'm told there isn't one for that show, that I should call my agent.

(In front of a group of waiting actors. Embarrassing? Yes.)

Then, on my first foray into the city after The Storm of the Century, my bicycle is stolen when lock it up improperly and conspicuously.

(more hubris...but I find it related to a lot of oral clatter I'd made earlier...had I bit talked so much, maybe I would have arrived earlier and found a better place to lock and felt I had time to lock it properly. That said, bike thieves do the work of the eviL onE)

Last week, after finally getting a day of work for the first time in abouts month, my car was towed (for bogus tickets that I should have seen a judge about...but yeah, whichever).

Today I have discovered that I have lost my phone.

(found a day later, 'neath my mass of mess)

I'm tired...and quite humbled.

I have, in fact, asked God to stop with the humble stick.

And yet -

I met a guy on the boat soon to share an alma mater with me looking to go back and do grad study in the same field I am considering.
I just found out a lady in my building is a musician. I didn't know there were other artists in the building.
I helped somebody buy a pretty sweet bike.
Some one just messaged my that she is seeing me "everywhere".
(shrug)

After this summer it took me a minute to figure out why things seemed to keep "happening to me". I was literally asking why I was being humbled. It took me until about the end of the summer to remember that I had asked for it.
Now if I could just get some clarity on what it is I have left to learn.
Whatever is the case. my ass is tired.

/endramble

I just looked at my October posts

and realized how long it took me to finally make it to the orientation at the Actor's Work Fund.


(over a month....which is bad considering I haven't really had anything else to do on a Monday...also bad because I'd tried since then but couldn't manage to make it on time....and just missed the Job search meeting this past Thursday because I didn't add it to my calendar.)


I am massively unorganized.



I think it might be killing me.


(and in other parentheticals, in addition to having my bicycle stolen the week after a super storm AND deciding to buy a bike over eBay that has turned out to be not as advertised, my car was towed for unfair tickets - one including a bold lie - and a red light ticket I didn't even know about....plus the registration had expired which I didn't know because I never got a renewal notice!! has now caused said car to have to remain in the tow lot and accrue "storage fees" and I have no money to pay the rent...or pay the cc bill for the card that I'd usually use to pay in this situation.)


(in the past I've encouraged people to experience New York. You know what....don't.)

Sunday People - Ask Yourself

Ear sexy,

and freestyle worthy.

I arrived back

in NYC at roughly this time 2 days ago.

It has taken rougly 48hrs for me to hate the city all over again.

I do admit, however, that it is Manhattan that truly draws the fire of my ire.

Thank you AA flight 732

for showing me how exciting a no-viz landing at night into LGA can be.

Was all ready

To congratulate DFW on the high quality of its downtempo soundtrack.

That's was when I realized I had accidentally started the internet radio on my phone.

I just left

and I already miss the Barbazon.

I just looked in the refrigerator

and discovered two cans of Bud Light.

When I asked the maternal unit who's drinking Bud Lights, she informed me they belong to my father.


I have never

EVER seen or known my father to drink alcohol. At all. Not even socially.

It is literally the end of the world as I know it. 

Just saw a billboard in Diboll Tx:

Jimmy Carter's pic with the question

"Miss me yet?"

Suspension of Disbelief

I am, for the uninitiated, what was generally termed during the latter half of 90s as "a hater". I never saw it as such. I just viewed the world through finer filter and had less tolerance for the average and below.

In my increasing old age and having had many chances to display my own shortcomings, I may have softened somewhat.

I originally intended that a "but" would come here, but mentioned savvy and resolution leaves me in the mood to forgo it...

It still fairly rare that works of fiction impress me enough to pull me out of guessing what will come next.

I am currently reading the Walking Dead series. I've been trying to catch up in the books to where the TV series currently is. I've just done that, as I am about halway through vol. 6.

The protagonists have escaped a major plot complication... I turn the page and - there it is - a moment that causes me to go literally agog and utter a WTF after a moment.

In the theater we strive for this as actors and to pull the audience in to experience the same.

I feel like I am experiencing this more...but maybe I am just more open to it after having had my ass handed to me for the past year.

There's a lot said and unsaid in that statement.

I should explain it.

But I really want to finish this book. I'm a bad blogger. I know. I'll come back to it later. Promise.

For now - let's go back to figuring what in the world has happened.

The degree to which

my respiratory stamina has deteriorated is astounding.

I wondered for a hot second

today or yesterday about whether there were any seniors in the building that needed checking on that I know. I believe this was at the behest of some mention of ol' folk who might need help after the storm.

There are many seniors in the building, but only a couple I come across.

But it did not occur to me in that moment that there are 3 on my floor.

One elderly couple lives right across from me. The other elderlady is down the hall. I know her best, though I have never taken time to introduce myself. She lives by herself and relies on an electric scooter to get around. I've always assumed she's diabetic.

At this moment she is presumably being taken to a care unit of some sort by emergency services. She is talking and it doesn't seem to be an emergency, I am glad that is the case.

The people next door have loud rambunctuous children. The noise, shakes, bangs and bumps they produce get to me...I allow them to get to me.

I allow myself to become self-conscious and self-centered,

I am currently heating water

for a sitz bath. Country upbringing strikes again.

There is

An eastern grey squirrel outside right now making the rest of us look mighty...pitiful.

Where in the world does a squirrel stay during a hurricane anyway?

I hate cellphone lag.

That is all.

"Bothersome" - Lackluster

(mothermix)

Having missed the

orientation meeting at the Actors Work Fund AGAIN (last week due to a canceled audition that I didn't know about), I'm sitting watching the rest of the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee series and wondering if I've been misinterpreting what people have been trying to tell me when they said I should be a writer.

I'm hungry

and I don't feel like going to get rice.


how lazy is that?


VERY.

It is 10:30am

and I am already tired of myself for the day.

Today on the boat into the city

I woke somebody up on arrival.

On the way home, somebody woke me up.

Maybe, just maybe, not everybody friggin' sucks.

Currently standing around

waiting to follow the second line through Chinatown...in low 50 degree
weather...in shorts.

I just realized...

...I just took my laundry downstairs whole wearing my scoffer cap. Which, given the size of my ego, is a standard-sized plastic shopping bag.