My vision is getting blurry from an increasing distance out.

I can't remember anything that just happened in my brain. 

From now on: everything has to be large and dayglo.

and write on it what I'm supposed to do with it once I find it.

Bill LaBounty - A Tear Can Tell on You

 

I think I might be pregnant.

 I am having very strong reactions to smells. I assume it's got something to do with this enflamed/sensitive sinus that I assume has got to do with allergies since it has passed two different COVID tests at two different offices.

Oh? 

 

Did I not tell you that the world finally got hit with that viral pandemic that made it across the wholeglobe in less than a year? 

And that people sort of did lose their sh*t?

And that some people still think it's fake?

And that people (u.s.of.americans) took a whole summer and an entire percentage of the population dying or sickening to wear a damn mask (which many still don't or don't take seriously)?

(sigh)

sorry. put it on the list of things I need to catch you up on. 

we should have lunch sometime!!

what? no. not in person!

oh, wait...yeah. It'll make sen... I mean -

 

...I'll explain it later.

Bag Raiders - Back to Myself

 

 

 

  I like what this/these British electric youth have done with their quarantine time*.

 

 

 

(* I have no idea when or where this music was produced. I am fairly certain that they are carbon/corporeal and not energy-based life.)

 

 

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars - https://one.npr.org/i/900826631:900826633 

 

Com Truise - Alfa Beach

aside from my general affinity for spacemusik and vampy synth,

I'm not certain why it is I affine this song so,

Or why I am unable to say why I care so particularly for any of the things I do recently.

Perhaps it is related to my general resistance to declare "love for anything",

As I stopped myself from doing with the above.

hm.

Jon Cleary & Nigel Hall - Jealous Guy

https://youtu.be/HGM1ELTii2o 

I just heard this for the first time while listening to The Acoustic Cafe on KEDM in north Louisiana, and my eyes watered at the beginning strains and I got choked-up when John Cleary began to sing and I don't know why.

"your name is dangerously close to the universe"

(A reminder for later.)

retrieval

Like many others, I am currently re-watching avatar the Last Airbender on Netflix.

Revelations through season 2 ep 6:

You know, I think the writing is even better than I remember...the animation is noticeably better later, yet much of the movment in the first season is lovely, nonetheless.

(that dude that made Avatar) absolutely ripped the networked tree concept and design elements of the "un-touched" natives from season 2 ep 4.

It absolutely astounds me that I only now realize that "The Boulder" is the Rock.

I don't think SNL was doing satire/homage this as well as this show at the time.

Bonnie Pointer.

"Everyone should own their masters."

Remx:

'€veryone should pwn their master$'

I'm currently thinking about the difference between speaking the language of the ppl ur in the room with and putting on a false face... toxic appropriation.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/

Here, in tje the midst of second puberty,

I think it's not so much that I am afraid of what's happening to my body and brain as I wish I knew what was going to happen...

As it is, presbyopia is reaching further away and sitting in the vehicle can go from "reading comfortably" to "dashing for woods deeply secluded enough to prevent further embarrassment or citation" simply by turning one's hips.

There are times when I dream and I understand why I experienced the random surreality that I did - either some environmental some influence (like falling asleep to podcasts) or some specific anxiety that has occupied my consciousness (needing to memorize something, grading papers...or whatever other thing I wanted to do).

Then there are others that are less accessible...

Just now I dreamt about the only person I'd proposed to (on the cusp of two decades ago, on-then-off). This is not a new thing. There was a great deal of detail this time and in a context that I am very mich not in.

We were in an 80s future-vision office bullding lobby (seemed like). We were having a discussion about "what happened", but in a non-direct, lyrical, theatrical way (ideas, not production numbers). 

I have already waited too long to be able to type specifics of the conversation (this happened...an hour ago?), and I really wish I could. Basicslly it seems to have been an expression of how our communicstion went (to me): she saying something in short bursts that wasn't conveying and my saying things in long volleys.

What seemed different is that some real "why" seemed to come out of it. Or, at least, me specifically saying how I felt. Then right when I was about to lay some great point bare, I had a sudden diarrhetic expulsion and started for a nearby restroom while still finishing a point, trying to keep "it" as contained in my drawers as possible and hoping no smell or spot was yet apparent. The rest trailed off in to typical dreamy mistiness as I searched for a stall im thus huge, stainless, steel restroom that seemed to have been built without stalls. 

What struck me was how specific, detailed and non-dreamy it was up to that point. I could see closely the quality if her skin, micro-fine facial hairs, slightly sun-tinted conjunctiva of the eye.

I was wearing khaki slacks and a polo...which I haven't done with regularity in a fairly long time.

It's interesting how, regardless of the dream, whatever the climax is seems to be the point at which the startling realism seems to suddenly stop. Or wane. Or dissipate. And the potential answer (or desire?) ... or resolution... slip away.

therr may have actually been a shift in location...or maybe it just looked different from different angles...but it seems like it was more intimate beginning, and then less at the end....enhancing embarrassment....

(shrug)

I guess life sucks when you don't get to say what you want to.

{i was dreaming before i wrote this, so sue me if....}

(uhm..what is this?)

Lonnie Liston Smith - Expansions (Official Audio)

Eddie Kendricks - Girl You Need A Change Of Mind (1973 Audio Redone By D...

Lamont Dozier - Going To My Roots (1977)

simon says that your mind is requesting a furlough.

I just saw a man in Lowe's wearing an under armour t-shirt that said " go ahead hate me "on the front.

He was not wearing a mask, I don't know how closely he was standing next to me.

b. Lewis for days alone

Cfcf exercise #8 (change)

both:

rollicking.

Sohn - "Oscillate"

"Hold fire hostage."

"Oscillate"

Hm.

https://youtu.be/CjlCcGxP6L0 

I hope that, in teaching youth politeness, I can also teach them honesty and with a preference for the latter if there must be a choice.

Yet, viewing human tendency, I wonder at the wisdom of that - if, given the nature of human psyche, there really is a benefit to making someone "feel good" rather tell the truth (in long term as well as shirt term).

My stand is that there is always an acceptable, if not easy way to tell the truth.

And that is my question. Am I wrong?

cruces

that crazy moment when you're playing what was thought to be a Steve Arrington mix on Youtube and I Wld Die 4 U comes on and the lyrics are different than you'd remembered and you see Prince motion skyward on the "he's your messiah" and realize that he's not saying "and you'll love the reason why" but "YOU'RE the reason why" and you realize that song that sort of has been probably you favorite Prince song for at least some period in life is actually about Jesus.

Now.

Play THAT in church.

GILLIGAN - SoundCloud

Mostly here to find out who the talk over is.

Listen to GILLIGAN by ytk on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/yungtrvpkid/gilligann 

mandible

While listening/watching a Thundercat playlist on YT, a cover of "Them Changes" by Ariana Grande came up.

I have never listened to her before. Nor watched.

However, I was thinking during said stream how it would be to hear an actual vocalist do some of his songs, particularly that one.

And, while I didn't view her as a vocal luminary, I thought she would at least have trained/steady/serviceable voice.

And she started.

And she started doing some jerky, painful-looking jutter with her jawbone,

seemingly meant to shape vocalizations,

that my barely-lingering Alexander and pitifully retained voice training (and wanting understanding of physiology and biomechanics) simply could not abide.

This, particularly since it seemed to be adding nothing of any dynamic worth to the quality of her sound.

Thus,

(*next*)

.

unidle hands

At this moment I'm trying to figure out how to saw that I'm wondering what would happen if productivity took the place economy in (our/this/elmundo) society.

And by "figure" out I mean not merely replace the word, but the importance.

A human needs something to do, a function, work, purpose.

A human does not need a job.

That is a function and necessity created by a society.

profit should be an option, a choice.

Not a rule.

And like any life choice, iy should/must not infringe on the freedom/safety/sanctity of another.

Or so some would think by the Bill of Rights thing.

Right?

I greatly dislike when my maternal unit refers to apparent immigrants as "foreigners".

switch

according to a CNBC report that I will hopefully remember to link later,

in 2019 manual transmission ICE cars were outsold be electrics.

Now, I'm not certain what market/s that includes.

I'm not sure what kinds of cars were included in this data..

or the source.

What I DO know

is that I chose to write about this rather than something about my getting tested for Covid-19 3 weeks ago, an ill-fated trip to Alabama an my tussle with my anger-depression that I thought I was getting a handle on.

Which can be added to the litany.

Remember a long time ago when I felt cursed? Have I ever mentioned that? That I will identify with just about any monologue that mentions being cursed...or focus on it even if it isn't the point?

Every day I blink, another ten years seems in danger.

And my time of the year where I manage to feel better-about-my-self seems to be in danger if getting sheltered-in-place.

(sigh)

I have to figure out how to find my way back to being willing to talk to people again.

Again.

staysafe

Take chances.

Make art.

A box fan in front of a space heater

is kind of an amazing thing.

It is an interesting thing

to be watching Train to Busan

and the Watchmen series,

with their themes of fear of affliction

and the afflicted

and how meek the previously confident

elite

can become in the face of a mortality

that they can't control

(or one of those moments that show the little-to-none they had anyway)

and of world-changing cataclysms

that served as the refocusing agent

some long asked (longed/prayed) for

and whether it will make a difference

Or

if it does, how long it will last

until the previous conceits and fetishes and dalliances

come back again

because memories die with their empires...

Sitting here, this way locking in, for word from a stranger to say,

"You're safe, go back to being essential,"

or

"We're so sorry. Do what you can. Good luck."

ta-nehisi's formula

all my Lfe
Id hrd blk ppl
tell thr
blk boys and blk girls
to be 2(x) as good
which is to say
accept .5 as much.

I am currently Reading Between the World and Me. I had an idea of what it was supposed to be, but it is not what I expected.

Anyway,

I just opened my library app to see if there is an audiobook available to check out. 

I see that there is someone waiting to read it.

That makes me feel good. 

better.

somehow.

pondering

Somethingsomething 'the threat of poetry is that it requires us/needs us (?) To think and feel.

And industrial capitalism (thinking something bigger, simpler, more-at-the-core) needs us to do neither'...

somethingsomething...

I'm thinking something about words and base meanings and emotions and the danger difficulty of denotion vs connotation of defining (feeling) with words.

How does one reliably and repeatedly convey emotion? And do we document emotion. What does "she was sad" mean and say?

Is emotion compatible with the past tense?

Can one talk about what was (a feeling) without what is (a feeling)?

How do we convey emotion without the feeler present?

THEY felt that then. WE didnt.

Why cant i have a pronoun general enough to refer to any possible person that is SINGULAR.

(growl)

from the low place

https://youtu.be/UyFMiDmwWK8 

this child is singing from somewhere down below the delta.

odd how none of the comments see that.

maybe they weren't listening.

does it take blues to know the blues is real?

(i) know.

rhetorical question.

I've been mean for a while but it seems to have gotten worse in the last few years.

I've been being even meaner this week.

which is hard because I've held it in and gone an a depression anger cycle.

which I thought I was off of.

and I guess I am.

because now I'm back to being my regular mean.

i'm tired of being mean. i would like not to be. at least not when not useful.

(sigh)

i probably need a puppy.

(but i'm afraid i'd be mean to - )

(sigh)

{inside tear}

"In the main we are different from other folks in that, when an impulse moves us, when we are caught in the throes of inspiration, when we are moved to better our lot, we do not ask ourselves: "Can we do it?" but: "Will they let us do it?" Before we black folk can move, we must first look into the white man's mind to see what is there, to see what he is thinking, and the white man's mind is a mind that is always changing."

     —Richard Wright, from 12 Million Black Voices

"democracy is anticapitalistic"

From "Education and Sociology: An Encyclopedia"

Dream where feeding stay kittens somehow attracts a young tiger/wildcat something/something?

(Watching Brooklyn Cats vids?)

"It's not easy is it? Admitting your weaknesses.

 But, no matter how long you fake it,

nothing will change."

{it's not easy admitting your weaknesses, but nothing will change until you do}

I miss mountains.

Why do we only get one month?

 

Maybe it's because you're supposed to use it to show the work you were supposed to be doing for the other eleven.

"feel" = sensation (input from the senses)

"feeling" = cognitive response to sensation

(or sense as sensed by 6th sense - as yet undefinable sensory organ?)

"When you're slow, you know you need to pay attention. It's the clever ones who never listen."

Un vive sans joie

(sigh)

I would like a mobile alternative to Google and Apple.

i really do.

"Massa's still trying to convince himself he picked cotton, too."

Daniel J. Watts

another one of those dreams

where I am a singer, but this time recognizing past as actor and telling story during a show about how my choice to move on wasn't about acting being wrong or sinful, but the wrong choice for me.


this after having a text exchange with someone asking what characters of the most well known playwright in English and deciding how to explain my current position on such.


which I call "theatre as a martial art"


which is about practice. a certain depth of work that everybody isn't always down for. that I don't "enjoy" doing it in the same way others "enjoy" it.


that I have to have very specific circumstances in order to be comfortable,

in order to be able to tell me self "relax",

so that I can dig deep into it.



because some of us like the depth,

but still need to learn the difference between that and strain...



so that parts of our brain that are used for memory can work.



or just accept out limitations with such.




(somethingsomehtingrmblerambelthismadesensebefore.....................


)

"I won't live to see 40...

... This nation is to sick."

a question for the talented un-10th

What to do

What to do

 

what to do...

when you are an intellectual elitist

who despises social elitism

or the caste of class

and money.

(or the appearance bought by the trappings thereof)

pervasive blood memory

An inquiry about interest in a project has caused me to look back at The Souls of Black Folk and realize that I had started, never finished, had barely gotten into reading it.

I think I switched to The Negro - which is the usual marathon that DuBois is, but one of the first printed words of the loves of West Africans prior to American slavery by an American.

There is a passage about his time teaching in a rural school-house in Tennessee when he mentions "old time religion".

I am thinking about the video I watched last night about fetíche catch fighting in the Dem. Rep. of Congo and Hurston's Baracoon and wondering about all the things people may have meant/mean when said/say it.

(intended and unintended)

On Sat, Jan 11, 2020, 11:27 AM CWalkerJr <c.walker.jr@gmail.com> wrote:

Fine. There was wind, but we experienced no damage. I don't think anything touched down around here.

On Sat, Jan 11, 2020, 7:14 AM mary hill <mary.evangeline.hill@gmail.com> wrote:

How y'all doin?

from "The Souls of Black Folk"

Hi – I'm reading "The Souls of Black Folk" by W. E. B. (William Edward Burghardt) Du Bois and wanted to share this quote with you.

"In the history of nearly all other races and peoples the doctrine preached at such crises has been that manly self-respect is worth more than lands and houses, and that a people who voluntarily surrender such respect, or cease striving for it, are not worth civilizing."

 http://a.co/h1VJhiy

For the past couple days, I've contemplated setting up a booth like Lucy From Peanuts with a sign that simply says: "Come Talk", and sitting there with a book until somebody comes up.

...at some point, I did considee adding a tip jar : )

Now, while surfing the YouToobz sans a sign in so even more random things than usual come up, I clicked on Buzzfeed video of cartoonists drawing each other, and thought about an extension of the idea where I sit at a table in public and select random videos... aimed at providing moments of calm...or at least non-combativeness....or the unspoken strife...what I think is what was called "ice" in the 60s...when people didnt trust and didnt deal with each other....simply not acknowledging each others presence except in conflict.

somethingsomething

Ise Lyfe, "My Best Friend" / Snap Judgment LIVE!

Bill Withers - The Gift of Giving (High Quality)

Because I don't believe I've heard Bill Withers work with this much voice before.







This makes me want to dance a mask or a cypher.

"civilization exists by geological consent"

typical

Apparently, when looking for a person to play the character Oola, Star Wars casting purposely looked for a Black person.

Oola is Jaba the Hutt's slave dancer.

(Who is also in green alien makeup.)

The one that gets eaten by a rancor.

Aren't you glad George Lucas made Redtails? 

Aren't you just glad?

Carroll Spinney

1933-2019

I'm pretty sure I dreamed i moved to Raleigh NC last nightmorning.

Days to Come - Bonobo feat. Bajka

Journey set sail was to leave
Cause I'm only birds & bees
Lose and news and all things be
Sunlight garden low red blossoms
Moon tides of the sea

When struggling for a magic grain
We throw our life to the winds like rain
For goodness sake
Spare your failings and take the ability
To strengthen
No spirit can stimulate all minds
Blossoms of days to come

Blossoms of days to come

Move away from your western guns
Travel towards eastern suns
Far above all earthly goals
A pledge for creation's soul
Spirit finds fresh morning and the dew
Of precious things
Hope is a phoenix building wings to fly
And what we wish shall be
Like a breathe of fresh air
Safe and secret powers
That no love can spare

Move away from your western guns
Travel towards eastern suns
Far above all earthly goals
A pledge for creation's soul

Far above all earthly goals
A pledge for creation's soul

Move away from your western guns
Travel towards eastern suns
Far above all earthly goals
A pledge for creation's soul [x2]

Far above all earthly goals
A pledge for creation's soul 

"nice motorcycle. Dont get killed on it. I had an uncle get killed on one and I had to hear about all while growing up".

what am I supposed to do with that?

Life and Death at a Downtown Jail

Listen to: S1 E6: Life and Death at a Downtown Jail - https://one.npr.org/i/777137718:777137720 

multi tasking

I went to pick garbage out of the ditch in front of our yard and picked up in the following order:

1. a Trojan condom wrapper

2. a piece of a wrapper from an adhesive bandage

3. an elastic hair tie

4. a large portion of synthetic human hair, seemingly female.

Check out Lavender (feat. Kaytranada) [Explicit] by Badbadnotgood on Amazon Music

Check out Lavender (feat. Kaytranada) [Explicit] by Badbadnotgood on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B078H936MH?trackAsin=B078H4NTLR&ref=dm_sh_XBWPqnjHifkmyd4Tma82H6mJT

dZihan & Kamien ‎– Lost And Found

there are now people who have been to space

(actually, there now)

that are younger than me.




hm.

source material.

I deeply and utterly despise when reviews of comic book-based film approach them as though they or their various elements are new and revolutionary.....when the stories and characters are 10-50 years old.

correction fluid.

For the Record:

"shouldve" is far from egregious and casually acceptable.

"should of" is 3xegregious and should not appear in any written form unless separated by a comma or in quotes for the sake of explaining how to stop appearing functionally inept on the intertubes.



#seen

(huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaauuuuugh)


I am currently stuck in a moment of intertia again.


I really don't want to be anyone's employee again, but it is hard to settle on a personal business because they all seem to involve remaining in one place.

As is also the case with ideas about being involved in local gov't.

As is somewhat the case with contributing the local arts.

I don't know if it's "can't make my mind up" or "won't".



There may be a certain amount of the same as what happened when I lived in New York:


I have little-to-no-money and no current gig so I don't venture out because that costs money.


maybe.

dunno.


but, you know,

feelings.

you know?


I have an online course to work on.

I have some book study to do.

(which have been interesting in that the information in the two subjects have already converged some)


I just find it massively hard to work on them...despite not really having anything else to do.


it's hard.

it's hard without a partner.

or a family?

or a dog?


Or something.




I'm also trying to learn-myself how to draw.

But the Left Brain is strong in this one.


I am, at this moment, wondering if the will is lefty or righty.


I do things for free and travel long distances to do them just to feel useful,
and then I feel like I've got some energy and momentum and focus
and it doesn't go anywhere.

Anywhere.

any where.

any

an

a

ere

here

where.


(sigh)



: #


 

‘It’s important to be kind. You can’t know all the times that you’ve hurt people in tiny, significant ways. It’s easy to be cruel without meaning to be. There’s nothing you can do about that. But you can choose to be kind. Be kind.’



(from here, likely sourced..will update if I find the actual)

Watch "Georgian Dancers Push Their Physical Limits for Tradition" on YouTube

Africa upside down.

Or right side up?

(click pic to enlarge)

I am less interested in the "if the plague had killed most of Europe" element, but this is where the pic came from.

Mux Mool - Hand on the Scantron

live.

now.

"Minds forget. Scars remember."

-  Augrah

"Promisees you cannot keep...

...are no better than lies."

-- Aughra

While watching the Good Place...

 ...and giving my particular affinity for the character Janet a consideration,


(aside from always being on the side of any robot/android/AI that isn't unjustifiably terrible)


AND,

it has occurred to me that I like omniscient characters,



maybe,


because I wish I was omniscient.




      Some have viewed me as a know-it-all.

 
which isn't accurate.


      because I WISH I knew it all.


and feel I never know much of anything.

momentary speculation on terrotism in the US

Aside from a general suspicion that the current spate of mass shootings in Western countries is an organized act by groups that have realized that it is easier to implode nations than it is to explode them,

i am momentarily wondering if there are people in these counties who feel they can induce in their respective societies to embrace the worldview and tactic they have espoused.

in this case: if I show make them need weapons, it will give me/my children/my community the freedom to have them


(that they have been convinced is going to be taken away)



{shrug}



dunno.





In Odessa

the world shot 26 more people yesterday.

I am currently wondering how much the book Darktown Strutters (1996) has to do with the film Dark Strutters (1975) and how purposely each of them are meant to be minstrel shows.

When one of them is about performing minstrelsy, and one almost seems to a reverse-performance of American Blackface Minstrelsy.

hm.

"How hard we work when nobody's looking, that's who we really are inside."

- John Henry and the Railroad

"People are more interested in what they don't like than anything else."

"Looks like the deep North ain't no different from the deep South."

- Darktown Strutters by Wesley Brown

Summer's Day https://g.co/kgs/uS9X1b 

Things that I don't understand - offline https://youtu.be/tkkzTpUsmDY

I just spent at least 30 minutes trying to remember the security pattern for a device because I realized I set two different patterns for each of my devices and while trying to remember one I reset the other to what I thought was a better one and almost immediately forgot what I reset it to and why cant you do a "forgotten pattern" on versions newer than 4.4?

In short.

Fall in the seasons of life....

?

tell. the. truth

"You are not singing. Truth is revealed through song. The ancient prophecy states that one day a deliverer will lead us back to a higher plane, but those who speak without the veil speak only evil!

They are liars and charlatans! Heed not their deceitful words!"


- this weird plant? creature with eyebrows where eyes should be on Cannon Busters
  - his name is Moldwarp.

Ghetto Berimbau by Sango

CFCF - Raining Patterns

I'm pretty sure the woman who works at the local Auto Zone has attempted to convince the other employees there that I am attempting to infiltrate their ranks for the sake of a grand larceny or simply want to commit petty theft every time I am in the store.

And I am also wondering how much that has to do with the headache I have now.

morning would.

Today, on the local college radio station,

which is comparatively conservative,

I would say...


I heard Corinne Bailey Rae's cover

of Prince's "I Wanna Be Your Lover",

at just-before 10:00 i'th'morning,

 and I wondered if were allowing some space in the interpretation of the chorus -

or if this mornings programmer simply doesn't know that

"only one you come for"

indicates

"monogamous orgasms".


Or maybe they do.

image search

Hi!

I lost my marketing!! Can you help me find it?

See if you can find all the Diversity in this picture!

proximity-alert

when this:

Is right across from this:

                                     

woman in Montgomery MFA

"It's beautiful isn't it?

You look like an artist. Are you an artist?"

('I'm involved in the arts but i don't do this'.)

{as i am actively contemplating a trying some visual art and beginning a poetry project describing pieces as i see them}

simple style

"When did the aesthetic of stupidity become a thing?"

- from bruh on the corner in downtown Winston-Salem that one night I swung through the Festival

"There are no doors built in people's mouths."

(i.e.: people will talk)

- character from that Kengan anime

Shine service.

<iframe frameborder="0" height="200" scrolling="no" src="https://play.prx.org/e?uf=http:%2F%2Ffeeds.feedburner.com%2Fneighborspodcast&ge=prx_62_bd5759cd-be96-45d4-b688-9fa15ef41f0c&gs=_blank&wmode=opaque" width="100%"></iframe>

surprises & visibilities

I think I just saw a Subaru with Trump/Pence sticker for the first time ever.

In the shortest span I can recall, two people Saw me because of the bike.

("Long way from home")

("Nice bike, drive safe")