It's odd…

 

Whenever I hear a reference to New Jersey…well, the part adjacent to the City, anyway…

 

Or maybe not just that –

 

But when I do, I miss you a little.

Why some women choose to get circumcized

https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/04/female-genital-mutilation-cutting-anthropologist/389640/

"My Great Grandfather the Nigerian Slave Trader"

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/personal-history/my-great-grandfather-the-nigerian-slave-trader

RE:

a genderfluid young adult told me I was the crunchiest person they've ever known.

 

I didn't delve into the specifics of that perception.

 

 

I just reveled a bit in the achievement.

 

I think I just looked up and saw the cloudiness of the "Magellanic" with my naked eye for the first time .

 

"rejoiced"

 

As an adjective.

 

hm.

Chaka Khan - Like Sugar (Official Video)

the kind of thing that may have happened had someonewhoshallremainnameless submitted that NYU film school applications manymany years ago.

So, yeah, I went to a museum yesterday.

I should probably talk more about that, but what strikes me now is noticing a continued pattern and wondering:

What is it about me that causes people to think I know things.

This is not an attempt at self-praise (or indirect compliment fishing)..

Or maybe it is?

There is a way that I am that I suspect is not fully un-intentional in certain places that causes people to think I know something.

Maybe it was because I was by myself…and I present an image of someone who wouldn't be there alone unless employed there?

I thought it may have been because I was dressed similarly to the staff….but I wasn't.

Although the actual tour guide/docent folks did seem to not be wearing the red shirts of the (seeming) orderly staff.

(folks who were saying "don't touch", giving directions, etc)

So. That.

Debating on whether to go back today. Or to church.

(shrug)

 

That glorious, intricately detailed dream that includes such a number of insecurities that you're not sure just how much your sub-conscious just read you.

 

Featuring that crush from grade school

 

An award show?

 

People who look like you that do what you do (did..)

 

Very likely other things.

 

Jordan Peele!

 

"award shows are marketing"

 

Oddly missing wedding bands…

 

 

Somewhat odd how much the whole thing looked like a film.

 

 

 

Also…I pretty much just slept for 12 hours. Alls I did yesserday was walk around a museum for 6 hours. Maybe it was the motorcycle ride?

My mother should have been an artist.

I'm still trying to find a way to tell her she still can be.

At a play With a cast full of persons of color,

And written by a dark brown man with locked hair down his back,

 

All of the persons of color in the audience are on the fringes.

Yet another lesson in saying Yes too help.

I'm still recovering, so this will be brief.

 

I just realized I've had another firm smack from life saying "accept gratitude".

Last night I went for a ride. It was a bit cool, but not bad and only should have been about 40 miles round trip.

I headed out, had a fairly glorious time, found some places to go back to. However, I was Waaaaaaaaaay in the woods and it was getting progressively colder. There was a place I could have stopped and begged mercy, I didn't.

 

In short I shuddered for an extra 30/40 miles back to campus.

 

I also ate some microwave food. Boo. People were getting on my nerves in the house. I bitched. Karma.

 

So I passed out knowing id feel It in the morning. And I did, just fatigue though. I watched some flix and got up to move things into new apartment.

 

I did not eat.

 

As I did this, I met my new roomies. They are fine folk and offered to help with bags. I let them take my two crates.

 

In the interim I started to realize I hadn't eaten and the sun was bright, but I kept chugging. I finished taking everything else out in one trip.

 

On the way into the new place, one of the roomies offered again and I said not thanks (they were cooking), then other offered again and I sad no.

 

THEN I was offered food.

 

I said no.

 

Not long later: sugar crash. Probably with a touch of sunstroke.

 

 

Had I just said "yes". I probably could have been productive for another 3 hours today. It did lead to some thought about art, though.

 

I hear pain is good for that.

 

:-/

 

Rocks and hard places.

During the drive yesterday. I listen to a podcast about a young guy who wanted to be a coal miner. And they got me thinking to some things I've been thinking about the 4 about people who actually want to call mine and why you would want to make the choice to do something dangerous and dangerous to the environment. It seems to me that some of the people who want to do that with some of the same ones who always wanted access to natural beauty. And it didn't make sense to me.

 

And while thinking about it yesterday. I think it occur to me that there was something this are old and physical about that desire. There was a need to do something where you actually felt a change in yourself or filter change and something else. And in that moment, it seems similar to why I chose to act because I needed to do something that was physical that was a physical act instead of just mental encerie, which is my habit.

 

Well, just now while driving through central Pennsylvania. I started to think about why somebody would want to be a coal miner again. I think the thought came back to me because I saw a city named Frackville. And. I got to wondering again. Why would people do something that they know destroyed permanently destroyed a piece of the earth? How could you be OK doing that? Judic Oertzen me that also common among those people is a no fundamental Christian belief that there is a here. After that there's a heaven and that there is going to be in Armageddon and the Raptor.

 

And maybe what's going on is that they don't give you the consumption of the Earth as an Ender. Even the destruction of the Earth as an end because they believe there going somewhere better regardless. 

 

And there is a fundamental difference between him and what is common amongst I suppose common amongst other people who are very much into environmentalism in and conservation is that their those people think in terms of the planet. Existing continuing to exist for millions and billions of years. I assume they also tend to not think in terms of Armageddon or Rapture. They think in terms of something that needs to stay for generations to come and that being nice to be able to sustain generations to come.

 

For the people who want to call my drill oil land. Do all these other things that is permanently utilizing the resources maybe they just use the entire planet as that just a resource. Nothing put here for them to use and simply a thing that will be gone. Once they are going on to something better.

 

Or something like that.

It is a sad day when one sees the light of a firefly

flare

And fade

Forever

On one's own windshield.

"To be alone is to be in pain."

from Robot Carnival

Angry Beavers

 

 

The xx 'Angels (Shiny Objects Rework)'

The conflicting impulses

 of wanting to be seen


                     and learned(?) humility.

Walls of Rock and Ice and...(something)

Today I went to hike in a place called Ice Glen. I was attempting to meet a young cohort and her younger charges.

I thought that I saw what was their car parked in well-to-do neighborhood with an address number, a an illegible sign and another beneath it saying "park here and walk". I didn't get our because I saw the address number and "private drive" and had already had to turn around due to a "PRIVATE DRIVE DO NOT ENTER" sign.


So, I re-searched and found what I thought were the correct directions near a park. This time I saw no car and assumed that they went to somewhere else or to an alternate entrance I didn't know of. There was a simple map if the trails outside that I could have snapped with my camera, but didn't. I went inside with my camera and headed over a bridge and up into the woods, opting to head up the red (harder) trail. I found a fork leading to the "Glen" or the "Tower". I elected to go for it an head up to the tower. The trail was definitely not for the casual, though I felt I managed it well. While closer to the bottom, I thought I should pick up a walking stick, but there I noticed nothing suitable and just decided that I could manage without it.


While making my way up Laura's Hill and listening for animals that might NOT be a chipmunk, squirrel or bird, I heard some voices and soon made out the group that I had hoped to catch. They told me the summit wasn't too far up and she asked if I'd found the Ice Glen. I told her that I'd go up and come do it on my way out. She mentioned that they had come in from what seemed to have been the first street I turned on


I summited, went up a shakey tower and headed back down. The decent seemed faster, but at some point unfamiliar. I felt like I was noticing paths I hadn't seen before. At one fork I backtracked to try to figure out where I was. When I thought I'd figured it out, I headed back in the direction that should pointed toward the Ice Glen. There was a point at which I thought I should go back to make sure I didn't miss the trail, but I figured, "no, I'm on the trail, I'll come to it.

As I continued on, it still seemed I was moving quicker than I should and realized that I was coming back to the entrance. Confused, I made my way back up the path and decided to back down the way I'd come up.

(I feel like I am not correctly recollecting this sequence, but it was something like this).

I went down there and assumed that the way I'd come in must have been the "Glen". I didn't see any ice and the boulders weren't really cold, but I just figured it was due to summer. I was still confused by where my cohorts had gone, though, as I hadn't seen them on my way back down.

I walked a very easy 1.3 mile path that looped next to the Housatonic. On my way out, Looked at the map again. It occurred to me that the small white car that I had seen outside the first stop was the similar to one I'd seen around the campus we where we are all working/staying. I texted and that was indeed THEIR car. I decided to head back to that spot to look for the Ice Glen since I wasn't able to find an entrance in the park I 'd gone to.

So, I went back to the rich neighborhood and parked at the spot here I didn't stop before and started the long, flat climb up the gravel-then-paved path - this time seeing a barely-readable sign that said "ICE GLEN".

I passed a couple coming down and at the top saw another small sign reading "ICE GLEN" with a caret pointing the direction I was heading. I eventually saw the rocky, mossy outcropping and did indeed feel a sudden temperature drop - more severe than the considerable drop when I entered the forest at Laura's Hill. I moved forward looking for a path that would head back to the Hill, but I couldn't find one. I kept moving back toward the seemingly impassable concurrence of millenia-old fallen boulders, and kept thinking I saw no way forward. Then I saw what seemed to be a narrow path. Again, it would seem there was none...again I'd see rocks that seemed as though they had been placed as steps. As I got further in, the intended trail seemed harder to find and that I taking ever-slightly more risk to try to continue.

Eventually, I reached a point that I thought I could only go up, and found myself scrambling up a hill a bit. I again thought I saw a foot-worn path - only to feel myself stymied again. I looked left toward a steep uphill, thinking that wherever the path was it had to be up and over the impassable rock ravine. So, I started making my way up what was now less of a hike and more of a climb. I took my time grabbing and hand and foot-holds, grasping small trees and pull myself up or to catch when I thrust myself upward. Though I wasn't looking back down, I was definitely thinking of how tricky that descent would be if I had to make it.

 I worked myself up to more level ground and looked around for a path, still not seeing one. I continued up to the top of whatever peak I was on and tried my best to see the tower I'd climbed earlier, but the foliage was too thick to make out anything besides mountains in the far distance. I decided to head back down - and it took a bit of effort to get back to the path climbed up since I was still trying to find the mysterious path around. On my way down, it occurred to me to put my car key more securely in my pockets than it was.

I made it back to the spot where I last saw a path and again tried looking around. I probed a few yards further along into the crevasse, but gave up looking and thinking that there looked like no way around...and feeling like I didn't want to push too much luck after the previous climb. I tried moving across the ravine to the other side to find a path. There was one slippery rock that gave a somewhat fatigued/worried body some trouble. I finally managed to across it, but still got to a spot where I looked and said "that doesn't look passable". I decided to head back to the vehicle and now noticed the soreness in my left knee. Heading back down the path once out of the glen,

I decided to walk backwards to ease the stress on my knees. This worked fine - until I forget about the place where the pavement goes away and - twisted ankle, backwards tumble. It was only sprained a bit and I was able to make it back to the vehicle with no additional injuries, bruised ego notwithstanding. There was a part of me already dismayed and determined to figure out this mystery.

Upon returning I went to online maps I saw that there was on fact a trail shown connecting the two places I'd been. I'd iced my ankle and knee and the former already felt much loose from walking. I decided to go back to the Laura's Hill entrance and find the correct path.

This time, I left my camera in the vehicle (as I had done at the last entrance...along, accidentally, with my phone). I wished I had brought my gloves, but I also made sure to find a walking stick this time. I  picked up one that was inadequate, but better than nothing. The I noticed a suitable branch. Up the trail it was already apparent how much stress was taken off my left knee by using the stick and my right arm - again, those gloves would have been nice.

I took the easy trail to try to work my way back to the trail I had lazily missed before, but had to work all the way back to an earlier fork to get my bearings - as I said, I was determined. Once I had eliminated all the the other paths, I find myself going back up one that I thought that I had come down, but which begin to seem less familiar. Eventually the sides began to close in as I'd read on one of the sites about the Glen and I saw giant boulders forming a vee. I continued up the path until I was steeping up rocks instead of walking a path. I continued in, again glad to have the the aid of the limb* until I reached to point that I recognized as the place where I started climbing the incline when I entered on the other side. Relieved, but not quite joyed, I headed back out of the Glen to exit the park. As I exited the crevasse I looked over and saw the monolithic rock carving indicating the Glen and it contributor from 1891 that I'd missed before.

By now, I was quite struck by the feeling of "that little girl"** in nothing but stocking lead those 3 guys through this with no trouble on the first try, and here I was climbing this trail thinking I'd done something impressive,"***.

I began wondering about why I seem to keep making choices...that end up being mistakes where I decide that I don't need to do something, or bring something or put in the extra effort to find something or will be a little extra work only to realize that whatever I didn't do/get was exactly what I needed.

I found myself wanting to ask a wise soul, "what is laziness the manifestation of". Why do I continue to blow off or give up on the easy things that would make me successful?


On my way out. I saw a woman and who I assume was her daughter (both, lovely kind-seeming humans). As I lay the stick back down at a fork, the mother greeted me and asked if I'd seen any wild animals. We small-talked a bit and I asked if they'd seen the Glen...AND if they found it in one try. The daughter asked how long it was to the Tower. I encouraged her to go back and go all the way to the top, that I can understand why she didn't want to continue at that late point in the day.


I was quite glad to have come across them. I'm glad the mother engaged me. It made me feel human and took me out of the sullen regret at my fallibility.

And then I went to the store for liquid soap...and forgot what I went there for almost as soon as I parked.

I'm here now. And I typed this.


end.



*heh. bit-of-a-pun, that.



**well, she is a person of smaller stature, though still considerably of fewer years than me



***which I'm sure feminist associates would love to use as a point for later reference

"When you enter apace, you change the space."

 

• Susan Dibble