Public act of excretion #.....

Brooklyn.
Cadman Plaza.
Across from TD Bank.

Individual casually leaning, body toward fence.

('wait, was this his')

Arching stream of liquid from individual's "area".

(sometimes hates being so trivially observant)

I think I may be the creative part of my mother that she never realized.

One of my failings, I think...has been to compartmentalize creativity,

to not view it for what it is an explore it in macro;

or...to examine it in macro, that I might understand how to utilize it universally,

thereby being inspired in the path to investigate it in micro.

(?)

"What can life be

if life's first rehearsal is life itself?"

''Right now I can't seem to commit to one truth.''
Big O

It must be a horrible thing to want to be a super hero,

only to find out you are remarkably ill/un-equiped.

Interpretation is inherent in exprience - you can't exprerience without interpreting. Performance is the substance of interpretation. Acting is physicalized interpretation

(bounce)

tanbrown,
almond-eye(ish)
smurf-ette smallperson in laundry room
staring at me (as I put unmentionables in the machine)

I'm trying to toss my stuff in fast,
(as though hurrying would keep her from seeing my dirty drawz);
{and her mom was right THERE}

but all she did was
happyjoy dance
to the music of commericial washers and driers,
that LOUD-ass fan,
&
whatever she had bouncing around her synapses

easy and matter-of-fact as
water is wet
and God is.

(bouncebounce)

yeah. i can see that.

In the shower I considered

that the most desperate thing you can do is to want time back,

since it impossible to regain something that you can neither give nor receive.

That said,

I desperately wish I could have ( at least ) the past 10 years back.

!! This just in:

wishing is what happens when there is no real possibility;

hope is what you have when there is a chance;

pray is what you do when you don't know which of the previous applies.

Dreams 12/26/09

This morning I dreamed that I did a motorcycle practice track day on an indoor track that seemed to have at least moments of resemblance to my childhood home.

Which, I suppose, is at least partly related to this.

MOntel?

I few days ago I had a dream I was being interviewed with something for M. Williams.

Today I had a dream that I was in Louisiana and got a call from him for an interview or something, that required me to be in NY the next day.

Think I'm not having issues regarding leaving?


(sigh)

I think I finally figured out

that,

in order to be the actor I want to be,

I need to get away from here.

There was a time I felt lazy at home.

Now I feel lazy here.

(and I don't want them to get me for those tickets I keep refusing to pay)

So. Yeah.

I watched Still Bill.

So, I think I'm gonna go ahead and go home.

Rent's cheaper there, anyway.

While shooting last night

in Union Square,
a family walked between me and me subject.
The father ( presume ) says, "nice eye".

(or "good eye")

Then, in the process of talking my ear off,
Josiah asks me,
"how old are you, 40?"

nyc.

The City

sigh....

I think I'm ready to leave here. I desire to have my own space again, and I miss my people. I miss the freedom to move about without having to partake of public transportation or yield up offerings to ye olde god Toll. Once when I went home, I missed having it. Now I relish just about every moment I'm not using the train.

Or that could just be because I very much believe in the bike.

As it stands, I don't feel there's anything in particular for me to do here. Acting, at this moment, is not a powerful enough draw for me to be here...and that has been the case for the better part of this year. I've done a reading since I came back, and it was fine, but it's nothing I don't feel like I can't live without.

At home, I feel like there's an outlet for theater..even if I'm not the one on stage.

But....

there are the lingering reasons to be here: certain people I've met that I'll miss.

and I guess that's why people stay here.

If they're here, though....and I'm able to return occasionally.....doesn't that work? That's what I do now, but it's my family on the occasional end.

I don't think there's room any longer for that to happen.

When I was home, my father -

for the first time -

looked like my grandfather; his father...

The way I remember him looking, that gaunt face.

What happens if I blink and he's gone? Then, he's gone.


Today, I went to an audition. And it was cool.

Then I went to Madison Square Park and played paparazzo with the squirrels.

Then I met my Nederlander/Surinami/Cape Verdian friend who choreographs and moves beautifully and talked with her about how this place feels so foreign...even though I remember 2 years ago when she wanted so badly to be back here.

When I was at home, she and I communicated, and one of my reasons for coming back was to not miss her. 'Cuz folk who speak Dutch ain't exactly common where I'm from.

Then I went and leaned against the curb in the pedestrian mall next to the Flatiron Bldg. and took pictures.

You can't do that anywhere else, right?

But you can do that anywhere...right?

Then I stopped and got a falafel shawerma. At the boat, somebody gave me a card for the SI Critical Mass...and we started talking about how he knows people who have places to stay...

And the ride & walk back to the apt seemed easier than usual.

So, today made me go into my questioning mode. But I guess the good days are like that.

But, if you're gonna leave...don't you want to do so smiling?

So...I think NYC's got me for a few more months. Maybe.

(shrug)

Inventory

I believe in:

the bike

the drum

the voice

the combustion (electricity + fuel = fire)

the truth

Alexander Toulouse, 8 yrs

Beanfield - Planetary Deadlock

@ last.fm

I walked away

from my first promo job yesterday,

largely due to an interaction with NY's "finest".

I have a history of displeasure for authority figures,

but it feels like some special ire for these in particular.

Perhaps it's just my general view regarding the way people deal with each other here.

Regardless....I despise the powerlessness I feel around them....how attempting to counter anything they say immediately causes me to draw back for fear of reprimand...

which is not their job.

Yet we all...most of us...seem to do it instinctually. Slowing down even though you're already doing the speed limit. Stopping for yellow lights. Purposely not looking "them" in the eye.

Pavlov is, apparently, a mutha.

So,

I walked off my first job. And now I feel stupid about it. Instead of swallowing the anger for a few more minutes I, more or less, asked to be replaced - and now I'm out of a few hundred dollars (unless company gets desperate and calls back).

Doing the promotions was supposed to be a way of dealing with the indignity of working in offices.

I think I may just have lost patience for being someone's underling.

(shrug)

I'm gonna go bang a drum, or something.

He

answered the phone and small-talked, what amounts to small talk for us anyway, for a few minutes.

The whole time I'm waiting for him to drop for it...

"Well, yeah, I was just thinking about coming up there and seeing what's going on..."

But nothing.

I assumed he was bored and just not playing as much golf...

He "had an episode" yesterday. "Heart".



(sigh)