I wanted one pretty strongly in college, thought about it since then, acted on it today. I didn't go to work with the intent to do so, but the opportunity was there, and I took it.
Yes it is a Sunday, yes I was working, yes it is the day I start another circuit around the sun.
There was bit of remorse on the way home, I thought I may put out too much, felt that I got gamed a little by savvy merchant.
It was strange how people kept complimenting me and the djembe. Particularly since they could see them in the same place I did, in two different places along 3rd Ave this day.
At some point I noticed the way I carried her*, on the shoulder with fingers locked around the concave middle that rested on my shoulder, close in, with the carved wood of the base against my face.
(* I think she's a she)
I ran with her for a boat that was leaving without us. We sat in the ferry terminal. I took not much notice of her as I considered changing one of the tie-died that I bought. I got into a conversation with the neph and had to remind myself several times to keep an eye on her. As we got ready to load, I attempted to hoist her onto my shoulder via her handle, or hold via the handle. Awkward.
After sitting her down to wait for the ferry bridge (moving dock arm we use to board) to clear, I picked her up in the way that seemed most comfortable: base forward, close to cheek, finger locked over middle.
I sat on the boat and put her down in front of me. I finished reading the last chapter of Ghandibhai's truth that I started on the train. I looked at her. I placed her between my legs and my hands on her head. We began to talk a bit.
I thought about how I held her.
I thought about why I got (have?) her.
We talked some more, and I was somewhat surprised that the level of communication, though still rudimentary.
We waited until the boat was completely docked and gates open before we got up to leave.
I put her on my shoulder, my fingers locked around her waist.
At first, this just happened. Then it became deliberate. Now it was ease.
I walked with her comfortably on my shoulder, set her carefully in the passenger seat...then set her more carefully in the seat.
While walking, I noticed somebody looking at (us).
While on that boat I began thinking, on the way home I continued...about how, recently, I've realized my need to explore....explore in doing. I've been wrestling about getting a motorcycle. At some point, I stopped wrestling. I need to do. I need to explore. I need to stretch.
There was a time when this was done through acting. I've taken non-deliberate, then deliberate steps away from that.
I've noticed and realized a need for exploration outside the realm of research. I need to touch, feel. The desire to do is coming more from the need to experience. On the boat with my fingers testing the sounds, running over the surface of the skin, noticing the hairs left, the small unravelling of the fibers of the cloth around the head, I looked forward toward drilling myself in the comprehension of her language,
and any remorse left. It feels right.
On this day, I've realized that...
I'm changing. In my reading. In realization. Something different seems like it's happening. I suppose, in it's a way, it's a fitting day for it to happen.
I think, maybe, I've finally grown up.
It feels a little like bringing home a first child, doesn't it?
She's in the other room. I'm letting her get used to the place. The first night in a new place can be sort of traumatic.
We'll talk tomorrow.
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