"I've seen you die a hundred times. I'll see a hundred more. I can't hope anymore."

 

 

 

(pretty sure this is the timetraveling mom from ST:DISCOVERY)

"Plan and prepare for every possibility

  and you will never act. It is nobler to have courage as we stumble into half the things we fear than to analyze every possible obstacle and begin nothing.

 Great things are achieved by great embracing dangers.

hey, look. THE EXPANSE season 5 ep 2 (by way of Xerxes?) just laid out the kind of military philosophy that someone who gets all of their information from social media might take out of context and use for a useful approach to intercontinental engagement strategy.

Watch "Mariposa" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/HMcFR0OTlKA 

 In roughly the past month, 

 two members of my family have passed away.

One, after a years-long chronic health problems.

The other more recent (so far as I am aware)

One I was prepared for, the other not as much.

These were not Covid-19 deaths.

 

(Oh, I haven't told you about getting to experience to the modern American sociopolitical unrest and worldwide health crisis in the same year?)

That said...

I am tired of it. I am tired from it. I was tempted to say embarrassed but that's not it.

I have felt a tinge of cowardice that I did not...could not...was not in the position to take the.. a leadership role..in going to these funerals and being in the vicinity physically for bereaved family members....

And this is not to make some declaration about how one should feel.

This is not to say that I don't think the decision to remain in place is correct.

This is just to say how it felt...express the emotion.

To say that I am tired. To say how disappointed I am...that lives were not able to be celebrated the way they should be.

that's all. i think.

I am glad my uncle is no more pain. I feel like my aunt should have made it to 90+.

i don't know.

I really wish I had something concise, coherent and poetic to say about it. I don't.

"Those who have a home to return to..."

Midnight Diner, s.3 e.2

 https://www.insider.com/native-american-offensive-racist-things-2020-1

"i didn't know how to love someone or to allow them to love me. My insecurities were suffocating me."

a half human from A Whisker Away.

T.

Somewhere in history,

(someone will claim)

there has been one taller 

or stronger

or lighter

or more capable of stopping stupid in its tracks

with a firm stance askance

with firm fists on hips

with elbows locked on the enemy

foolishness

at a moments notice

at an immediate shift from humor

on a dime turned on a country laugh

a gaze weened on a matriarchy

practicing itself  on elevenortwelve siblings,

And this simply will not be able to be - 

because this individual will not have been

the one

the only

the indomitable

Erma

Lee

.

Radiolab - Deception

http://www.wnycstudios.org/story/91612-deception/ 

Watch "Bakradze - Quiet Loop" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/Fk_dU1tzWRQ 

Jones being humble and Mike Tyson testifying

 or preaching

 or giving a lecture

 or eulogizing

 or giving commencement

  or something.

 "At 54 I found out I didn't know nothin' when I was champ.

   That was youth."

- Mike Tyson

sacred and profane

Reading about subjugation and how entertainment/sport has been a rare area of attainment for The Subjugated....

And thinking about how performance is viewed differently when it is for...religion..?

(Arguably another form of subjagation)

Sacred performance and profane performance.

I'm sure this came up in clown study, but it just occurred to me now.

Where is performance allowed to be entertainment and elevated at the same time? Sacred laughter? 

Difference between those connected to the Earth/a past vs the Secular?

Where is ALL performance, to some degree (or without degree) sacred?

Mike Mainieri - I've Seen It All

Soft Machine - (Black) Velvet Mountain

(Black) Velvet Mountain - Soft Machine from Steve Ruotolo on Vimeo.

guts.

 Last night I tried to finish watching a film that I started but stopped several times out of either flagging momentary interest or lack of regard for the attempt (one actor portraying multiple identical siblings). 

  I tried again last night (this morning) and got as far as a child twin being traumatically injured.

  (broken finger tip hanging by soft tissue)

  at that point I elected to stop watching.

  (and even coming up with a description just now churned some physiological response)

  Later I tried to watch again and, when a butcher knife came out because all of the siblings had to remain identical, I gave up for good...and had the strongest physical reaction of the evening - butterflyquesiness. 

  Interesting that the worst came from an idea, not the actual gore.

  then. today.

I went outside. Walker to the end of the driveway, I noticed something in the street. That something ended up being a cat killed by a vehicle.

I thought of calling Animal Control or the city to come dispose of the remains, but I decided to take it upon myself. My mother had left and I wanted it to be gone before she noticed.

So, I dug a hole, put on a disposable glove, removed the cat. It had happened very recently. There appeared to be no signs of other animals scavenging. It must have happened during the day because no other vehicle appeared to strike it.

 And while I felt something, it didn't really compare to what I felt watching the movie. I felt bad for the cat (this is the second time I have buried a young, black feline near our house). I felt revolted at the movie.

I don't know if I could have picked it up if I had seen it happen...

as stated elsewhere, something has changed. I never used to have such strong reactions...or maybe I just spent too much time avoiding disturbing things...but gore in films definitely never affected my this much before.

maybe it's my biological clock.

(shrug)

(this space held)

 

man-with-child-that-does-not-look-like-me wearing a mask

  and clothes that would seem to indicate his rurality

(even among this general rurality)

   notice the presence of the child, then note that man seems to be gently* urging child's carefulness and      noting it's dueness to seeing my motorcycle

 

man's....audacity?....lack of hesitance to have boy come walk over to the bike....even encouraging leading it

    (or maybe he just wanted to look to)

 

me asking if child wants to sit/if it is ok for him to sit on

 

  guiding child around to "correct" side

 

(non-hot-exhaust side)

 

  man's again gentle urging for him to heed instruction, take help up

 

 child's heeding my instruction/joy at starting motor/drawn-in-lipped-O-face at revving

    me sensing time to go/seeing man's gentle nudge to get off

man's instruction to say "thank you

 

   man's introduction of sexualization/genderization

 

"you'll be able to get lots of twinkies with one of those"

 

  my understanding on second take and hesitant agreement 

(well, they have been known to attract people...although the people most attracted by it seem to be, in order: boychildren, dogs, children, menfolk)

    child saying as they walk away, "I made a new friend today"

the slight halt, softly disingenuous-seeming affirmative response of man to that.

not wanting to make a point out of the experience in this "climate of division".

thinking about how, recently, I notice how much I have shifted from that child who could befriend anyone.

how many of childhood friends could not/would not be now.

 

 

extracurricular

    so, you know, 

don't wait.

  I have become disappointed, dismayed, depressed, d-etc. at all the things I had determined to do this summer/year that I intended to do that the COVID incursion has incurzzzed upon...

  Even to the point of coming up with new! things that I hadn't thought of to intend to do this year that I feel like I can't do because (#stayhomeyafeckers!!).

 Which to somebodysomewhere is going to start looking like a familiar successful excuse acquisition.

  ain't I just useless?

 

    so, you know, 

don't wait.

 

Fwd:

A dream on a nap where i, for some reason, to a job working as an assistant at a clinic... Apparently thinking that they know my limits... Immediately getting in peril for not knowing what/where things are... Ended by being called in desperation to help with child not breathing, touching his chest, and him coming right back.

Assume this has something to do with search/concern for choosing health care for next year... But a calling...?

(bloodfeint)

--

Peace:
cW

I can't see anymore.

My body is changing.

It is not it's not all changing the same way.

There is the part that controls, that says "do this".

There is the part that says "you should do this".

There is the part that says "why do this".

There are the parts that do.

There are the parts that do so I can do.

And they are all changing.

Some are trying to do more.

Some seem to do progressively less.

Some seem to be acting - or want to act in last acts of desperation.

Some seem to want to keep acting as though they have all the time in the world.

Just now/before/hours ago I feel asleep reading a work of fiction. 

About an hour ago I woke up, somewhat, and my thoughts are able to move,

to dance,

back and forth,

limber,

the way I wish my body still could,

our the way it never has that I always wished;

the part called my mind feels like it can't do what it used to -

but out of sleep, just into waking, when I am able to paint it instead of push it,

it can/will still create and move and breathe and jump and skip 

something out of the nothing into everything

I wish I could say

or do

or leave

when I'm gone.

We time travel. 

We exist in the present.

We can remember and be in the past.

We can imagine and be in the future.

We can wonder and create what didn't happen.

We can wonder and create what won't happen.

We can change the future.

We can alter reality.

We can alter realities.

we don't need LSD.

(do we?)

The dark.

The quiet.

The soft non-tactility.

The sleep.

The limitation of sensory input allows...gives the mind...

frees the mind...

is the time the mind has to operate, to process, re-order, to shift,

to "play with"

all of the information, the stimulus, 

the input

it has received

to create order

to create chaos

to create reason

to create reasoning

to find the reasons

to move forward.

(with life).

****

(lastly)

All language

is language.

The difficulty of learning language is simply not believing that one can understand, that language is a thing that must be studied or learned to be understood. 

Humans communicate. Every time humans communicate, they create new language. There are no language barriers, just barriers to communication.

No message is ever perfect. No receiver ever gets a message exactly as a sender intends it. There is always interpretation. 

(interpolation?)

There is always translation. 

Understanding language is a process of assumption.

All communication is translation.

"Languages" are just proper-noun names for common assumptions.

Humans communicate.

Beings communicate. Understanding is always possible.

Desire to communicate.

search terms

"two men and two women, and four negroes"

system commands as magical incantations

programming language as ancient words

programming as sorcery

system engineers as sorcerers 

computer scientists as saints/angels

mathemticians as _ods?

It is not until some 9 (10?) years later that I realize that the title Jean Grae's mixtape COOKIES OR COMAS is a conditional threat.

(meaning I finally figured out the connection on the outro when she says the next mixtape will be called "Cake Or Death".)

 "...lets face it:

in the western world

a free Black cat 

is a bad nigger

...and he's in danger. "

james baldwin on mavis on four

Check out Moonless by Gabriel Garzón-Montano on Amazon Music

 

 

Moonless by Gabriel Garzón-Montano on Amazon Music
 
 

Watch "Safety Pin" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/fh_4VRuGbT4 

Watch "James Blake - Buzzard And Kestrel" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/Gtcs9t80Lxg 

Watch "Shigeto - Sky Of The Revolution" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/8_t34ltikTA 

Check out Little Girl / Breathe (Live) by Lalah Hathaway on Amazon Music

Check out Little Girl / Breathe (Live) by Lalah Hathaway on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B015SJLYF2?trackAsin=B015SJMKR8&ref=dm_sh_dsjQrvdwaEpDVUHWO4IT8wCGD
 

Watch "Riding Dragons" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/DUV2kbQJYGI 

 Though I remember why I didn't - the feeling of inability, indecision and wariness from grad school,

but I do wish that I had spent the 00's acquiring certificates..or merely educational experience.

That I has allowed myself to by a novice at things and just learn about them.

Rather than feel like I had a degree and had to "do something with it".

Always be a student....no matter how many pieces of paper you have.

And do not force the necessity of acquiring pieces of paper upon yourself.

Learn a little bit. Learn over a long period of time. Learn as much is pleasing. 

Learn to learn it's ok to come back to a thing you FINALLY learned the point of that someone was trying to teach you that time in that class in that place....

OTHERNEWS:

if you have no sickle cells genes, you won't get sickle cell.

if you have two sickle cell genes, you will get sickle cell.

if you have one of each, you will have a natural resistance to malaria, because malaria don't like sickle cells.

(courtesy: HUMAN NATURE)

hard men

• Iron Age – Hesiod finds himself in the Iron Age. During this age, humans live an existence of toil and misery. Children dishonor their parents, brother fights with brother and the social contract between guest and host (xenia) is forgotten. During this age, might makes right, and bad men use lies to be thought good. At the height of this age, humans no longer feel shame or indignation at wrongdoing; babies will be born with gray hair and the gods will have completely forsaken humanity: "there will be no help against evil."

"may I say something"

 (sigh)

 I feel bad,

 that, as a person who regularly states the importance of facts and being an informed participant,

 that I am utterly unable to watch the presidential debate.

 

wait - did I not tell you that, because Barack Obama gave up on the push for the culture shift in political discourse away from the assignment of the tribal labels of "Conservative" and "Liberal" (at that point, still secondary to "Rep" and "Dem") assigned by Newt, Rush and the Pennsylvania Avenue NeoCon Krew and, years later, the least qualified least fit human being in...perhaps, all political history was elected (by the electoral college, despite a clear popular vote defeat) as president? 

oh. well. I'm sorry. Yeah... And he didn't even hide that he is a ridiculous sycophant. He didn't try to make himself better to make an actual attempt to do a job that he obviously didn't want (or expect to have to) do.

so. like I was saying - 

I feel like I SHOULD watch the debate in order to be able to talk constructively about it.

which seems like a concept rife with - irony is simply not a big enough word...

I tried. I did. I will try to read a transcript instead.

I guess I will read up on the other items on the ballot now. 

"Ma'am, can I go to the library? I promise I'll go straight there and study...I just can't take any more of THIS."

so, I am fragile, right? 

Snowflakey?

(......)

"Even when I'm clean,

I'm still a dope fiend."

ev ree bah dees awl weiz chrai eeng tu sel mee sohm theeng

old stuff

in rage.

 it hurts.

it literally HURTS.

right here inside this body.

in the place where the breath comes down that moves the blood.


IT LITERALLY PHYSICALLY HURTS

to have someone tell you that they can "talk to anybody"

and pose as though they are listening to you

 

and act as though they want to know what you have to say....

and with the very same breathe

tell you that "nobody can change their mind"....

and tell you that they don't judge

and then set about delineating the sins of the world -

and halt themselves long enough to tell you that 

they "don't know what you do or think" -

then immediately return to telling you what they know you do 

and how you think.....

and you keep letting it happen.

(breath)

(breath)

(lump)

(throat)

(grit)

(hurts).

IT HURTS

Little Bruv

inside the gas station where I went for sugar I didn't need grabbing sugar need didn't with his twist-locked mother in her young mother slight-shrug arm-cross

waving and saying high to me as he got into the car from behind his mask.

I am harboring a lot of anxiety. I have been having dreams...one of people telling me I have symptoms. I am thinking of giving up on the census sense I live with older folk. I am going to try to be steadfast about not entering people's homes.

Or I am definitely going to stop working. 

 I am become increasingly anxious of living in a house with old folke and interacting daily with a possibly-Covid-positive world.

 Also, people in their 20s are assholes, particularly when not from the country, and I feel increasingly unable to deal.

 Also also, why do ..... people hold their mobile devices slanted when video chatting, or whichever.

 

 ugh.

 

sigh.

 

I miss art museums.

 

Children of the Sea is a lovely 2 hour salve for those aching to see light and color and shape.

hbg

Happy birthday, Gwen.

Sorry you had to see all of....THIS.

 My vision is getting blurry from an increasing distance out.

I can't remember anything that just happened in my brain. 

From now on: everything has to be large and dayglo.

and write on it what I'm supposed to do with it once I find it.

Bill LaBounty - A Tear Can Tell on You

 

I think I might be pregnant.

 I am having very strong reactions to smells. I assume it's got something to do with this enflamed/sensitive sinus that I assume has got to do with allergies since it has passed two different COVID tests at two different offices.

Oh? 

 

Did I not tell you that the world finally got hit with that viral pandemic that made it across the wholeglobe in less than a year? 

And that people sort of did lose their sh*t?

And that some people still think it's fake?

And that people (u.s.of.americans) took a whole summer and an entire percentage of the population dying or sickening to wear a damn mask (which many still don't or don't take seriously)?

(sigh)

sorry. put it on the list of things I need to catch you up on. 

we should have lunch sometime!!

what? no. not in person!

oh, wait...yeah. It'll make sen... I mean -

 

...I'll explain it later.

Bag Raiders - Back to Myself

 

 

 

  I like what this/these British electric youth have done with their quarantine time*.

 

 

 

(* I have no idea when or where this music was produced. I am fairly certain that they are carbon/corporeal and not energy-based life.)

 

 

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars - https://one.npr.org/i/900826631:900826633 

 

Com Truise - Alfa Beach

aside from my general affinity for spacemusik and vampy synth,

I'm not certain why it is I affine this song so,

Or why I am unable to say why I care so particularly for any of the things I do recently.

Perhaps it is related to my general resistance to declare "love for anything",

As I stopped myself from doing with the above.

hm.

Jon Cleary & Nigel Hall - Jealous Guy

https://youtu.be/HGM1ELTii2o 

I just heard this for the first time while listening to The Acoustic Cafe on KEDM in north Louisiana, and my eyes watered at the beginning strains and I got choked-up when John Cleary began to sing and I don't know why.

"your name is dangerously close to the universe"

(A reminder for later.)

retrieval

Like many others, I am currently re-watching avatar the Last Airbender on Netflix.

Revelations through season 2 ep 6:

You know, I think the writing is even better than I remember...the animation is noticeably better later, yet much of the movment in the first season is lovely, nonetheless.

(that dude that made Avatar) absolutely ripped the networked tree concept and design elements of the "un-touched" natives from season 2 ep 4.

It absolutely astounds me that I only now realize that "The Boulder" is the Rock.

I don't think SNL was doing satire/homage this as well as this show at the time.

Bonnie Pointer.

"Everyone should own their masters."

Remx:

'€veryone should pwn their master$'

I'm currently thinking about the difference between speaking the language of the ppl ur in the room with and putting on a false face... toxic appropriation.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/

Here, in tje the midst of second puberty,

I think it's not so much that I am afraid of what's happening to my body and brain as I wish I knew what was going to happen...

As it is, presbyopia is reaching further away and sitting in the vehicle can go from "reading comfortably" to "dashing for woods deeply secluded enough to prevent further embarrassment or citation" simply by turning one's hips.

There are times when I dream and I understand why I experienced the random surreality that I did - either some environmental some influence (like falling asleep to podcasts) or some specific anxiety that has occupied my consciousness (needing to memorize something, grading papers...or whatever other thing I wanted to do).

Then there are others that are less accessible...

Just now I dreamt about the only person I'd proposed to (on the cusp of two decades ago, on-then-off). This is not a new thing. There was a great deal of detail this time and in a context that I am very mich not in.

We were in an 80s future-vision office bullding lobby (seemed like). We were having a discussion about "what happened", but in a non-direct, lyrical, theatrical way (ideas, not production numbers). 

I have already waited too long to be able to type specifics of the conversation (this happened...an hour ago?), and I really wish I could. Basicslly it seems to have been an expression of how our communicstion went (to me): she saying something in short bursts that wasn't conveying and my saying things in long volleys.

What seemed different is that some real "why" seemed to come out of it. Or, at least, me specifically saying how I felt. Then right when I was about to lay some great point bare, I had a sudden diarrhetic expulsion and started for a nearby restroom while still finishing a point, trying to keep "it" as contained in my drawers as possible and hoping no smell or spot was yet apparent. The rest trailed off in to typical dreamy mistiness as I searched for a stall im thus huge, stainless, steel restroom that seemed to have been built without stalls. 

What struck me was how specific, detailed and non-dreamy it was up to that point. I could see closely the quality if her skin, micro-fine facial hairs, slightly sun-tinted conjunctiva of the eye.

I was wearing khaki slacks and a polo...which I haven't done with regularity in a fairly long time.

It's interesting how, regardless of the dream, whatever the climax is seems to be the point at which the startling realism seems to suddenly stop. Or wane. Or dissipate. And the potential answer (or desire?) ... or resolution... slip away.

therr may have actually been a shift in location...or maybe it just looked different from different angles...but it seems like it was more intimate beginning, and then less at the end....enhancing embarrassment....

(shrug)

I guess life sucks when you don't get to say what you want to.

{i was dreaming before i wrote this, so sue me if....}

(uhm..what is this?)

Lonnie Liston Smith - Expansions (Official Audio)

Eddie Kendricks - Girl You Need A Change Of Mind (1973 Audio Redone By D...

Lamont Dozier - Going To My Roots (1977)

simon says that your mind is requesting a furlough.

I just saw a man in Lowe's wearing an under armour t-shirt that said " go ahead hate me "on the front.

He was not wearing a mask, I don't know how closely he was standing next to me.

b. Lewis for days alone

Cfcf exercise #8 (change)

both:

rollicking.

Sohn - "Oscillate"

"Hold fire hostage."

"Oscillate"

Hm.

https://youtu.be/CjlCcGxP6L0 

I hope that, in teaching youth politeness, I can also teach them honesty and with a preference for the latter if there must be a choice.

Yet, viewing human tendency, I wonder at the wisdom of that - if, given the nature of human psyche, there really is a benefit to making someone "feel good" rather tell the truth (in long term as well as shirt term).

My stand is that there is always an acceptable, if not easy way to tell the truth.

And that is my question. Am I wrong?

cruces

that crazy moment when you're playing what was thought to be a Steve Arrington mix on Youtube and I Wld Die 4 U comes on and the lyrics are different than you'd remembered and you see Prince motion skyward on the "he's your messiah" and realize that he's not saying "and you'll love the reason why" but "YOU'RE the reason why" and you realize that song that sort of has been probably you favorite Prince song for at least some period in life is actually about Jesus.

Now.

Play THAT in church.

GILLIGAN - SoundCloud

Mostly here to find out who the talk over is.

Listen to GILLIGAN by ytk on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/yungtrvpkid/gilligann 

mandible

While listening/watching a Thundercat playlist on YT, a cover of "Them Changes" by Ariana Grande came up.

I have never listened to her before. Nor watched.

However, I was thinking during said stream how it would be to hear an actual vocalist do some of his songs, particularly that one.

And, while I didn't view her as a vocal luminary, I thought she would at least have trained/steady/serviceable voice.

And she started.

And she started doing some jerky, painful-looking jutter with her jawbone,

seemingly meant to shape vocalizations,

that my barely-lingering Alexander and pitifully retained voice training (and wanting understanding of physiology and biomechanics) simply could not abide.

This, particularly since it seemed to be adding nothing of any dynamic worth to the quality of her sound.

Thus,

(*next*)

.

unidle hands

At this moment I'm trying to figure out how to saw that I'm wondering what would happen if productivity took the place economy in (our/this/elmundo) society.

And by "figure" out I mean not merely replace the word, but the importance.

A human needs something to do, a function, work, purpose.

A human does not need a job.

That is a function and necessity created by a society.

profit should be an option, a choice.

Not a rule.

And like any life choice, iy should/must not infringe on the freedom/safety/sanctity of another.

Or so some would think by the Bill of Rights thing.

Right?

I greatly dislike when my maternal unit refers to apparent immigrants as "foreigners".

switch

according to a CNBC report that I will hopefully remember to link later,

in 2019 manual transmission ICE cars were outsold be electrics.

Now, I'm not certain what market/s that includes.

I'm not sure what kinds of cars were included in this data..

or the source.

What I DO know

is that I chose to write about this rather than something about my getting tested for Covid-19 3 weeks ago, an ill-fated trip to Alabama an my tussle with my anger-depression that I thought I was getting a handle on.

Which can be added to the litany.

Remember a long time ago when I felt cursed? Have I ever mentioned that? That I will identify with just about any monologue that mentions being cursed...or focus on it even if it isn't the point?

Every day I blink, another ten years seems in danger.

And my time of the year where I manage to feel better-about-my-self seems to be in danger if getting sheltered-in-place.

(sigh)

I have to figure out how to find my way back to being willing to talk to people again.

Again.

staysafe

Take chances.

Make art.

A box fan in front of a space heater

is kind of an amazing thing.

It is an interesting thing

to be watching Train to Busan

and the Watchmen series,

with their themes of fear of affliction

and the afflicted

and how meek the previously confident

elite

can become in the face of a mortality

that they can't control

(or one of those moments that show the little-to-none they had anyway)

and of world-changing cataclysms

that served as the refocusing agent

some long asked (longed/prayed) for

and whether it will make a difference

Or

if it does, how long it will last

until the previous conceits and fetishes and dalliances

come back again

because memories die with their empires...

Sitting here, this way locking in, for word from a stranger to say,

"You're safe, go back to being essential,"

or

"We're so sorry. Do what you can. Good luck."

ta-nehisi's formula

all my Lfe
Id hrd blk ppl
tell thr
blk boys and blk girls
to be 2(x) as good
which is to say
accept .5 as much.

I am currently Reading Between the World and Me. I had an idea of what it was supposed to be, but it is not what I expected.

Anyway,

I just opened my library app to see if there is an audiobook available to check out. 

I see that there is someone waiting to read it.

That makes me feel good. 

better.

somehow.

pondering

Somethingsomething 'the threat of poetry is that it requires us/needs us (?) To think and feel.

And industrial capitalism (thinking something bigger, simpler, more-at-the-core) needs us to do neither'...

somethingsomething...

I'm thinking something about words and base meanings and emotions and the danger difficulty of denotion vs connotation of defining (feeling) with words.

How does one reliably and repeatedly convey emotion? And do we document emotion. What does "she was sad" mean and say?

Is emotion compatible with the past tense?

Can one talk about what was (a feeling) without what is (a feeling)?

How do we convey emotion without the feeler present?

THEY felt that then. WE didnt.

Why cant i have a pronoun general enough to refer to any possible person that is SINGULAR.

(growl)

from the low place

https://youtu.be/UyFMiDmwWK8 

this child is singing from somewhere down below the delta.

odd how none of the comments see that.

maybe they weren't listening.

does it take blues to know the blues is real?

(i) know.

rhetorical question.

I've been mean for a while but it seems to have gotten worse in the last few years.

I've been being even meaner this week.

which is hard because I've held it in and gone an a depression anger cycle.

which I thought I was off of.

and I guess I am.

because now I'm back to being my regular mean.

i'm tired of being mean. i would like not to be. at least not when not useful.

(sigh)

i probably need a puppy.

(but i'm afraid i'd be mean to - )

(sigh)

{inside tear}

"In the main we are different from other folks in that, when an impulse moves us, when we are caught in the throes of inspiration, when we are moved to better our lot, we do not ask ourselves: "Can we do it?" but: "Will they let us do it?" Before we black folk can move, we must first look into the white man's mind to see what is there, to see what he is thinking, and the white man's mind is a mind that is always changing."

     —Richard Wright, from 12 Million Black Voices

"democracy is anticapitalistic"

From "Education and Sociology: An Encyclopedia"

Dream where feeding stay kittens somehow attracts a young tiger/wildcat something/something?

(Watching Brooklyn Cats vids?)

"It's not easy is it? Admitting your weaknesses.

 But, no matter how long you fake it,

nothing will change."

{it's not easy admitting your weaknesses, but nothing will change until you do}

I miss mountains.

Why do we only get one month?

 

Maybe it's because you're supposed to use it to show the work you were supposed to be doing for the other eleven.

"feel" = sensation (input from the senses)

"feeling" = cognitive response to sensation

(or sense as sensed by 6th sense - as yet undefinable sensory organ?)

"When you're slow, you know you need to pay attention. It's the clever ones who never listen."

Un vive sans joie

(sigh)

I would like a mobile alternative to Google and Apple.

i really do.

"Massa's still trying to convince himself he picked cotton, too."

Daniel J. Watts

another one of those dreams

where I am a singer, but this time recognizing past as actor and telling story during a show about how my choice to move on wasn't about acting being wrong or sinful, but the wrong choice for me.


this after having a text exchange with someone asking what characters of the most well known playwright in English and deciding how to explain my current position on such.


which I call "theatre as a martial art"


which is about practice. a certain depth of work that everybody isn't always down for. that I don't "enjoy" doing it in the same way others "enjoy" it.


that I have to have very specific circumstances in order to be comfortable,

in order to be able to tell me self "relax",

so that I can dig deep into it.



because some of us like the depth,

but still need to learn the difference between that and strain...



so that parts of our brain that are used for memory can work.



or just accept out limitations with such.




(somethingsomehtingrmblerambelthismadesensebefore.....................


)

"I won't live to see 40...

... This nation is to sick."

a question for the talented un-10th

What to do

What to do

 

what to do...

when you are an intellectual elitist

who despises social elitism

or the caste of class

and money.

(or the appearance bought by the trappings thereof)

pervasive blood memory

An inquiry about interest in a project has caused me to look back at The Souls of Black Folk and realize that I had started, never finished, had barely gotten into reading it.

I think I switched to The Negro - which is the usual marathon that DuBois is, but one of the first printed words of the loves of West Africans prior to American slavery by an American.

There is a passage about his time teaching in a rural school-house in Tennessee when he mentions "old time religion".

I am thinking about the video I watched last night about fetíche catch fighting in the Dem. Rep. of Congo and Hurston's Baracoon and wondering about all the things people may have meant/mean when said/say it.

(intended and unintended)

On Sat, Jan 11, 2020, 11:27 AM CWalkerJr <c.walker.jr@gmail.com> wrote:

Fine. There was wind, but we experienced no damage. I don't think anything touched down around here.

On Sat, Jan 11, 2020, 7:14 AM mary hill <mary.evangeline.hill@gmail.com> wrote:

How y'all doin?

from "The Souls of Black Folk"

Hi – I'm reading "The Souls of Black Folk" by W. E. B. (William Edward Burghardt) Du Bois and wanted to share this quote with you.

"In the history of nearly all other races and peoples the doctrine preached at such crises has been that manly self-respect is worth more than lands and houses, and that a people who voluntarily surrender such respect, or cease striving for it, are not worth civilizing."

 http://a.co/h1VJhiy

For the past couple days, I've contemplated setting up a booth like Lucy From Peanuts with a sign that simply says: "Come Talk", and sitting there with a book until somebody comes up.

...at some point, I did considee adding a tip jar : )

Now, while surfing the YouToobz sans a sign in so even more random things than usual come up, I clicked on Buzzfeed video of cartoonists drawing each other, and thought about an extension of the idea where I sit at a table in public and select random videos... aimed at providing moments of calm...or at least non-combativeness....or the unspoken strife...what I think is what was called "ice" in the 60s...when people didnt trust and didnt deal with each other....simply not acknowledging each others presence except in conflict.

somethingsomething