Retail strategy

You should probably be real careful about opening a boutique

if you made your name designing for the

emperor

who wore no clothes.

Losing one's job

does not absolve one of the eventuality of realizing one's potential.

I'm so racial

from a photo shoot I was "apart" this past september...

I'm at this photo shoot for Wal-Mart. All of the photography/hair/makeup crew is black. The wardrobe designer is tawny...perhaps latina. The manager of the studio is black. The reps from the client are black. All talent is black (not a grand surprise).

The irony? The caterers are white.

Or maybe it isn't.

draft

{continue}

So, now, I have to do this self re-evaluation thing,
well, I don't know if you did, 'cuz I mean the situations aren't completely the same, I acknowledge that, but...

I have to step back, stay away from, take some time to understand because the words I seem to have been gifted with only seem to function when I'm speaking of a situation outside of self -

for the better part of 18 years I was great in self-reflective commentary, but now...

the only time I seem to be able to have the words come out is during/after being with someone who being there with complicates the truth of being with them while I'm saying it.

(rambleramble)

(sigh)

wait...

{wait}

{self-re-evaluation}

I do the same things over again.
I repeat.
I say the same things over again.
I repeat.

(dammit)

{candor}

I felt compelled to go see her, while I was home. I felt like I should offer the chance for her to ask her questions. I felt ready to talk. I felt I wanted to see that she was doing ok, moving on*.

(*a major part of moving on is for her to not see you, dumbass)

and I then I thought about that thing. That thing she let me do. That thing she liked to do.
And I got excited...
And I sighed deeply...
And I concentrated...
And I bared down....
And I exhaled...
Until the thought of that thing went away.

and for a minute that thing made me feel I shouldn't go.

Then I thought I shouldn't let that thing keep us from the wealth of virtuous reasons why we should speak/return/reattempt co-existence.

And I went there.
And it was going well,
And it seemed like it was ok...

And I was preparing to part ways......

And the opportunity arose....
And I did what I always do:

Repeat.

Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

repeat

(exhale 1)

{preamble}

(sigh)

(painpainpain)

(ramblerambleramble)

Shange's skill seems unfathomable until you realize she's just taken the time to mold the thoughts that the rest of us let slip away,

or maybe you're too busy signifying / or scrunching yr face
trying to figure out what to figure out
what the hell she's talking
abt.

(sigh)

{begin}

I understand now...
Why you wouldn't/couldn't call/return my calls...
I understand the feeling of unworthiness
the feeling of having violated something...

somewhat similar in that, technically, there was no promise made,

no "i'm yours-your mine" verbal contract that could be held up in the court of Jerry Springer or girls vs. boys houseparty arguments

but there's still something. that something. like that middle/high school knowing that it's just not right to kiss someone new when/while you've already kissed someone else.

that act.
that decision that takes place in your brain to commit and act with your body that causes an emotional response

} i.e.: circuitry {

letting down of guard, the vulnarability, the openess, the willingness

and the point at which you realize yo shit done scabbed over and you start taking advantage of others who are still virgin to the emotio-sexual zombification that other 85% walk around in...

I'm sorry, that wasn't about you.
but maybe it applies...anyway

yeah.

(blink)

I understand now.
Not wanting to talk to. To see.

No -

Not having the privilege of getting to talk to.
Not having the privilege of getting to see.

Not feeling worthy of the dedication. Moreso now than before.

[open paraphrase]

i only do this with you

[close]

yeah...

it's not quite the same situation,
but still.

I saw the child and she half hid behind a doorway and I like-to-died,
just stopped breathing voluntarily.
the cuteness was unbearable.
she was happy to see.
happy to see...

(sigh)

so,
yeah,

I understand. It's not exactly the same situation....
the stakes not quite as high, I suppose,

I've experienced the sensation of the decision in that moment.

not that I haven't had the moment before, but this time the perspective is different.

but still,
I see it,

I understand the not wanting to say...
I understand the not wanting to hurt...

yeah, all of that.

I hope the three of you are all doing well. Dap little dude for me. Maybe one day tell him I was ready to take him as mine.

Maybe don't tell him. Probably not.

Anyway.

peace

dammit

I have something I need to say and I came home determined to say it but made the mistake of talking to a friend and now I'm blocked.

my fault for not using the pda on the boat.

(shrug)

Lust

I have had a novel's worth of things that I should have said here over the past month or so, yet I choose to take the opportunity to say that I want this.

I've obsessed over this over the past week or two, and I'm very close to making an ill-advised purchase. My problems in this area have been recently covered.

I asked for a bicycle, and took care of that myself. This time it's somebody else's turn.

Although I am determined to take the MSF at some point this year and right it off as training.