draft

{continue}

So, now, I have to do this self re-evaluation thing,
well, I don't know if you did, 'cuz I mean the situations aren't completely the same, I acknowledge that, but...

I have to step back, stay away from, take some time to understand because the words I seem to have been gifted with only seem to function when I'm speaking of a situation outside of self -

for the better part of 18 years I was great in self-reflective commentary, but now...

the only time I seem to be able to have the words come out is during/after being with someone who being there with complicates the truth of being with them while I'm saying it.

(rambleramble)

(sigh)

wait...

{wait}

{self-re-evaluation}

I do the same things over again.
I repeat.
I say the same things over again.
I repeat.

(dammit)

{candor}

I felt compelled to go see her, while I was home. I felt like I should offer the chance for her to ask her questions. I felt ready to talk. I felt I wanted to see that she was doing ok, moving on*.

(*a major part of moving on is for her to not see you, dumbass)

and I then I thought about that thing. That thing she let me do. That thing she liked to do.
And I got excited...
And I sighed deeply...
And I concentrated...
And I bared down....
And I exhaled...
Until the thought of that thing went away.

and for a minute that thing made me feel I shouldn't go.

Then I thought I shouldn't let that thing keep us from the wealth of virtuous reasons why we should speak/return/reattempt co-existence.

And I went there.
And it was going well,
And it seemed like it was ok...

And I was preparing to part ways......

And the opportunity arose....
And I did what I always do:

Repeat.

Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

repeat