(exhale 1)

{preamble}

(sigh)

(painpainpain)

(ramblerambleramble)

Shange's skill seems unfathomable until you realize she's just taken the time to mold the thoughts that the rest of us let slip away,

or maybe you're too busy signifying / or scrunching yr face
trying to figure out what to figure out
what the hell she's talking
abt.

(sigh)

{begin}

I understand now...
Why you wouldn't/couldn't call/return my calls...
I understand the feeling of unworthiness
the feeling of having violated something...

somewhat similar in that, technically, there was no promise made,

no "i'm yours-your mine" verbal contract that could be held up in the court of Jerry Springer or girls vs. boys houseparty arguments

but there's still something. that something. like that middle/high school knowing that it's just not right to kiss someone new when/while you've already kissed someone else.

that act.
that decision that takes place in your brain to commit and act with your body that causes an emotional response

} i.e.: circuitry {

letting down of guard, the vulnarability, the openess, the willingness

and the point at which you realize yo shit done scabbed over and you start taking advantage of others who are still virgin to the emotio-sexual zombification that other 85% walk around in...

I'm sorry, that wasn't about you.
but maybe it applies...anyway

yeah.

(blink)

I understand now.
Not wanting to talk to. To see.

No -

Not having the privilege of getting to talk to.
Not having the privilege of getting to see.

Not feeling worthy of the dedication. Moreso now than before.

[open paraphrase]

i only do this with you

[close]

yeah...

it's not quite the same situation,
but still.

I saw the child and she half hid behind a doorway and I like-to-died,
just stopped breathing voluntarily.
the cuteness was unbearable.
she was happy to see.
happy to see...

(sigh)

so,
yeah,

I understand. It's not exactly the same situation....
the stakes not quite as high, I suppose,

I've experienced the sensation of the decision in that moment.

not that I haven't had the moment before, but this time the perspective is different.

but still,
I see it,

I understand the not wanting to say...
I understand the not wanting to hurt...

yeah, all of that.

I hope the three of you are all doing well. Dap little dude for me. Maybe one day tell him I was ready to take him as mine.

Maybe don't tell him. Probably not.

Anyway.

peace