to anyone who has ever felt things for me that I have not and kept it from me/sucked up my inherent evilness for the sake of the relationship/been a victim of my psycho-flirt-sex-emotional-tease slut-ism/helped only to have me hit back 'cuz that's my way of showing appreciation...dealt with my: lack of ability to commit/inability to leave well-enough alone/insistence on solitary wandering/tendency to dream rather than vocalize.....


(life would've been so much better if you'd just stuck with "yes".
that child could've been mine and this one would BE mine. I would say that
you and two other muthaf#kk@$ took 3 people away from me, but you all
just contributed, mostly just see the above)

to You: I don't care about you having something to say. I'm just saying look at the shit like it's hanging on the wall.

to You: I know I can't say it to you and it's late, but: happy birthday

to You: Breath deep and love that little big-head kid. (your) Life is (will be) more simple when (if) i observe from a distance

to You: deal with your pain, but do not wallow. Otherwise you'll never be able to see the wisdom - SCARS and WISDOM ARE NOT THE SAME

to You: several things none of which had to do with you... I really wish that it'd have happened at a time when I could see a little clearer (nothing I can say will help, so I just say that which I do. add it to the list)

Irony: I seem terribly talented at inadvertently causing tears in others, yet I have a problem purposely producing them for myself.

 i give up.

"If you were mine

I wouldn't want to go

to heaven.

"

i don't want to go to sleep. 

Possums Popcorn - Stan Forbee

 

If you want your relationship with someone to deepen,

 

 write them letters.

 

 even if you see them everyday. 

 

 phone calls can seem like enough, 

 

but letters do something different - 

 

they allow you time to think,

them time to digest,

and you have a record that is that little bit less subject to the filter of your diaphanous memory.

 

(because memories are like trying to watch what happened through very thin cloth...that bunches when the wind blows) 

 

 

write letters. for them and you.

 

 consider keeping a copy for yourself

 

or, 

you can choose,

 

to 

entrust them

with 

 

your memory. 

the end

{this was originally written 4 days ago (monday?), but I never sent it. I am sending it now in anticipation of saying a thing to a person..maybe. I will likely edit/proof this later.} 

I don't usually put things this personal here. Not anymore.

I may move it later.

February of 2001 was the last time i was truly happy and had hope. And saw a future.

There was someone i loved and didn't, apparently tell them...

(this feels like too much to say again)

Almost a month ago, i looked at some pictures, and it floored me...'feeling of overwhelming loss'. 

'flood of emotion'

And i wanted desperately to cry. a flood of tears. But only moisture came out. 

And it opened up connection to emotions that i cut/have been cut off from for a while,

But i didn't understand what i was feeling, if it was real

'

And i went searching for answers in old mesaages and letters. For weeks. I found something last week i wrote to myself. 

Last Friday... (Thursday night) i went looking somewhere i had already. I found a letter in an email. It was the thing for which i'd written to myself. It was a letter to someone who...

who i wanted to marry. and lost..

starting from (friday?) I'd been trying to read it. I spent a couple days (ithink) on the first page. That page was an explanation/a content warning. 

I don't know if i ever sent it. 

Today is Monday. It is morning. I finally finished it.

Maybe not quite as intense - but again...

I am so sorrowful for that person who missed what was already a second chance because he wasn't sure or ready and was distracted or scared and didnt seek help and didnt ask what he should do.

I thought abt a friend and his partner, and how much he loves her.

I thought about what it would be like to read him this letter and then ask him to tell his partner he loves her.

Because that is the closest i could come. And sorrow was there, and some water came..

This is full of holes. This process was supposed to be about filling them. 

I havr been trying to figure out what it is i need to say; what it is I want to know.

I want to know when was the moment I lost... that chance

for the last time. 

I waa going to offer this person those pictures. They are of them. I dont know if i should...if can keep them. I'm trying to figure out if it is just a ploy to see if that person...if they mean anything to them.

If they don't care, it's easier to say goodbye, maybe. 

Peace:
cW