the end

{this was originally written 4 days ago (monday?), but I never sent it. I am sending it now in anticipation of saying a thing to a person..maybe. I will likely edit/proof this later.} 

I don't usually put things this personal here. Not anymore.

I may move it later.

February of 2001 was the last time i was truly happy and had hope. And saw a future.

There was someone i loved and didn't, apparently tell them...

(this feels like too much to say again)

Almost a month ago, i looked at some pictures, and it floored me...'feeling of overwhelming loss'. 

'flood of emotion'

And i wanted desperately to cry. a flood of tears. But only moisture came out. 

And it opened up connection to emotions that i cut/have been cut off from for a while,

But i didn't understand what i was feeling, if it was real

'

And i went searching for answers in old mesaages and letters. For weeks. I found something last week i wrote to myself. 

Last Friday... (Thursday night) i went looking somewhere i had already. I found a letter in an email. It was the thing for which i'd written to myself. It was a letter to someone who...

who i wanted to marry. and lost..

starting from (friday?) I'd been trying to read it. I spent a couple days (ithink) on the first page. That page was an explanation/a content warning. 

I don't know if i ever sent it. 

Today is Monday. It is morning. I finally finished it.

Maybe not quite as intense - but again...

I am so sorrowful for that person who missed what was already a second chance because he wasn't sure or ready and was distracted or scared and didnt seek help and didnt ask what he should do.

I thought abt a friend and his partner, and how much he loves her.

I thought about what it would be like to read him this letter and then ask him to tell his partner he loves her.

Because that is the closest i could come. And sorrow was there, and some water came..

This is full of holes. This process was supposed to be about filling them. 

I havr been trying to figure out what it is i need to say; what it is I want to know.

I want to know when was the moment I lost... that chance

for the last time. 

I waa going to offer this person those pictures. They are of them. I dont know if i should...if can keep them. I'm trying to figure out if it is just a ploy to see if that person...if they mean anything to them.

If they don't care, it's easier to say goodbye, maybe. 

Peace:
cW

jumper.

I just arrived at a health clinic for a dental checkup and this is one of those clinics that accepts federal funds.

(i.e.: public assistance)

As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a sheriff's vehicle, which I found odd. It had occurred to me that I had never seen a law enforcement officer at any kind at one of these facilities. 

I wondered if there's a possibility that they were here on the lookout for or trying to apprehend a person for the sake of ICE.

As I continued into the parking lot, I looked over and noticed that an officer had come out to the vehicle but not the driver's side. Then I saw why he was here. He helped a tall, slender, young male out wearing a red jumpsuit, shackled and chained.

It seems a shame that they couldn't at least offer him the dignity of not injuring through the front door.

..... 

It's may 18, 2026 2:32pm.

I just told myself "I'm sorry," for the first time. 

There is a full-on, recorded-music-backed busker in the WM parking lot in this southern, semi-rural (surrounded by rural) town.

That concept fascinates me. 

Semirandom

I'm not ok.

This is not new. I haven't said it here. I realized i wasn't ok om sept of 23.

I have recently begun a process of,  what I guess, is me trying yo be ok.

This involved me telling the truth and inviting certain ppl to inquire about truths they have wanted from me. 

Seemed like a good ideaNow not so much.

Or msybe hsrd work is hard work.

I told these things to someone last night.

I woke up an hour-ish ago not feeling great...sore/crampy in some places...not of a renewed spirit. 

I think I may saying some big goodbyes.

This includes The One that I never have...or maybe felt I hot the opportunity to.

To say goodbye with/from the heart...

To spend weeks trying to decide/figure what to say...

(it probably isn't helpful to start thinking of MJ's "___'s Out of My Life" here) 

{Or maybe it is perfect..}

or maybe i just need to get up and take a shower.