Monsoonsiren - Maso (Prod. Laplace)

 

(apologies for station tag at beginning)

Devonwho - Strangebrew (DJAO Remix)

XXYYXX - Pay Attention

vyvyd - Celeste

Sango - Trust Me

"How steely is your resolve...?

Finely tempered. "

excellent repartee in INFINITY WAR. 

Shlohmo - Blankets

"Children Heal Quickly"

I do not. 

Shigeto - Olivia

Legends Diner - Denton, TX

 

story on the tabloid that is Chron.com

 I am sitting here thinking about how often I ask people "did you like" rather than "what did you think" or "how was it".

Those are all different things,

broadly or subtlely..

or admittance notwithstanding.

If I am a person that asks one instead of the other,

when did I become that person,

or am I what I would have been regardless?

Was I always this way, asking that question?

 

(just now, when typing that last sentence, I typed "also" instead of always, and left it that way and didn't realize what I'd done until I looked back up at it. More, more mistakes like that, that I don't realize seem to happen.)

 

 i feel like I should type leave more here. but nothing quite feels right.

(write)

(pun)

<flop>

random: do dogs really understand each other more than they do humans, or the humans with which they've been raised, or who/whatever they have socialized to? Is there such a thing as "dog language", or is dog communication simply determined by the individual animal?

insert shrug.

 

 

sitter

A skit on Portlandia about a grown adult getting a babysitter caused me to wonder about the actual presence of such.

I assumed I'd see something about paid companions (no quotes) as one might see in Japan.

Instead I found this: https://littlebabyboo.wixsite.com/abdl 

Not that I had never heard of such, but it certainly wasn't what I had in mind.

The Starmaker

I just walked through the family room and the episode of The Love Boat featuring the Pointer Sisters was playing.

I think I'm going to find a way to watch the whole thing, then come back here and have a thought on it.

Right now, there's something in my head about how something used to look so different compared to the moving pictures that came 40 years before it looks so different 40 years after it.

The Pointer Sisters, if you aren't aware, are/were/futuretense awesome.

John Looke - Lost in the North

SVNSET WAVES · John Looke - Lost In The North

 

 

 

I like broken, imperfect things

maybe because i am imperfect

maybe because i dont believe i am worthy

maybe because the only way i can regulate my impatience for others' imperfection is if i view them primarily as "imperfect"

maybe i only want to be around those that i think need my help

maybe i only want to be around others that elevate me

maybe i just think humility is beautiful.

maybe i love you because you are not perfect

maybe i dont know how to deal with others seeing me imperfect

maybe i have just given * because i used to think you were perfect

maybe i -

maybe...

maybe. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(* "up"? "in"? I can't remember what or whether something was supposed to go here -ed. 7/30/21)

cages

as cool as it is to be able to see Hawks and other birds but particularly the big ones up close and clearly, for closer than with you because I'll be predatory birds around we no longer have safe with it places to be able to hunt and live and do what they do. I used to see them off in the distance and I wanted. now I can, but like I said and this isn't I'm a big statement about the environment statement with the cases where I live.

 

 

 

(this was an attempt to upload a post via email entered by voice-to-text...the result is a bit indecipherable..but also a bit Gertrude Stein so I'll just claim 'inspiration" and leave as it is for now - Ed. 7/30/21)

Salva - Obsession (feat. B Bravo)

 

 

( this link goes to the song's soundcloud page with a link to purchase which contains an image that, though I find lovely it and tasteful, is technically NSFW )

Dryswch · Com Truise

htt

James Blake - Tep And The Logic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNWTxOqKqBE

Mark Sheppard - Morning Commute

The Road Up North - Timelaps

SVNSET WAVES · The Road Up North - Timelaps

 

 

 

 

Shigeto - Ann Arbor Part 3 & 4

Maxwell- Cold

this space is reserved for when I find the seminal version of "St. James Infirmary"

 

St. James Infirmary

Doc Watson

I went down to that St. James infirmary
I heard sweet baby groan
Nobody down there could cheer me
'Cause I know that she'd soon be gone

As I was standing there a grievin
My heart feeling just like lead
Knowing she'd soon be leavin
Wishing it was me instead

I went out to Old Joe's bar room
Most of my friends were there
But nobody seemed to understand my trouble
I tell you, nobody seemed to care

And when i got back to that St. James infirmary
All was still as night
Sweet baby layed on that long long table
She was pale, so cold and white

And when I put my hand on her pretty face
It was cold like marble stone
And I know that no woman could ever take her place
Lord it made me feel so alone

She's gone, yes she's gone God bless her
Whereever she might be
If she'd searched this whole world over
She wouldn't have found a friend as good as me

I went down to that St. James infirmary
Heard my sweet baby groan
Nobody down there could cheer me
'Cause I know that she'd soon be gone

 

(I wonder how many people have taken time to read these lyrics)

#silence

"Rest now. You will leave. Take your ways with you."

 

 

 

(from, I believe, an episode of Star Trek: Picard...or Discovery....or Something - Ed. 7/30/21)

Fwd:

I miss the regular daytime quiet that would occur on Sundays when my (housemates) would both be at church.

I miss the regular shift in atmosphere on Sundays when a significant portion of the population would go to church, and the rest of the population felt some degree of guy about not going to church and, thus, would alter their consciousness/behavior un/consciously.

"Sunday slowdown"..

The communality of the day. Communal restfulness.

(days blend together so much)

I miss church, even though I don't go.

I recognize the need for church... See what happens when masses have no where to place their religious energy...zealotry.

Church needs skeptics.

But skeptics need church, too.

lineality

earlier:

while putting something in thr oven, imagining (mother) telling great grandchildren to call her "Bibi"

justnow:

while learning basic Swahili, find out that "bibj" tranalates to "grandmother" 

The Truth

 or

A Psalm for the Mis-led.

 

Love is not responsibility. Love is love. Take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility for the care of you children. Love them because they need it to grow. So do you.

 

Deceit does not cultivate love. Any lie sown, even for the sake of a loved one, must be undone. Otherwise it will become a cancer. Lying for a loved one is not loving them. It is creating a false pretense. It will come to bear. All lies do. Lie hinders growth of the individual and of the relationship. The foundation of such is worse than weak...it is false. A weak foundation can be made strong. A false foundation cannot be made into anything - there is nothing there to build on, to make strong.

Don't hide your weakness from your children. Weakness is not a sin. They need to see you persevere so they know how. 

 

Be honest about your shortcomings. Be self-forgiving. Be long-suffering of other's shortcomings. Be encouraging of their self-forgiveness. This is how to teach forgiveness to them. This is how to teach love. This is how to love.

Love must accompany chastisement. There is no "I love you, but..". There can be "I love you and". Teach your children responsibility for their actions. Do no take out your embarrassment on them. They are not a failure. You are not a failure. You will make mistakes. They will make mistakes. A mistake is a tool for learning.

 

No healing is possible without the desire to heal. 

Do not run from pain. Do not run from discomfort. If you are unwilling to feel pain, you cannot feel love. One must be receptive....be willing to accept feeling, whatever it is. 

If you cannot feel pain, you cannot feel love....you cannot feel.

Emotion is the realm of the spirit. The "spirit" is the emotional self. Spirituality is dealing with the emotional self. Religion is a set of rules, ideas, philosophy. We all have emotion, we do not all share religion. Tend to the care of your spirit. Be attentive to the spirit of those you love. Be open to ways of tending to the care of all of your spirits.

 

Document your pain; let it pass. Remember what caused you pain as a child. There will come a time when you need it to relate to new children. This way you can heal generationally.  

Document you joy; let it pass. Remember what brought you joy as a child....give it to children. They need it to grow.

Allow your children to stumble. Allow them to see you stumble. Help them when they stumble, so they see that it is possible to get back up. Once they see they can get back up, let them. Stay close in case they need a reminder. Use them as a reminder that you can get back up. This way we can heal generationally.

Lead by example, not by expectations - lead TO and example, if you cannot BE an example. Let your children see your willingness to learn from someone else. This is not weakness. Humility is not weakness. What is it to say, "that child is not what I raised them to be", if you were not what you raised them to be, or you did not give them such an example? Give them the best you can. They will be what they will be.

Do not have children you are not willing to let go. The greatness of the sacrifice in having a child is not the time and effort and material...it is in knowing they will one day go away. You are growing, shaping, nurturing this entity for the sake of it going away. The child is like a work of art, it contains so much of you, your sweat, your blood. Yet, for it to be what it is intended to be, you have to set it out for the world and let it be whatever it is going to be.

Forgive those who have hurt you. Forgive them so that you can love. Forgive them so that you can truly learn from your experiences...understand why they hurt you, that they hurt you....to keep you from passing on that hurt.

Feel you heartbeat. Feel your ribcage expand. Allow you torso to move as much as it needs to. Your diapragm has a job, do not put yourself in its way. Allow your body to lengthen to make space for your breath. Allow the tension in your hands to melt into the air. 

Allow the tension in you neck to melt into the air. 

Allow the tension in your stomach to melt into the air. 

Allow the tension in your legs to melt into the air.

Allow the tension in your mind to melt into the air.

 

The heart is the muscle with the most to do. Be gentle.

The heart bears the burden of your pain. Be gentle.

Love is a decision. Be brave.

Amen.

Ascension

At this moment, I am thinking about "hug my neck" and it's deeper meanings/callback to childhood/(insert psyche term I don't know and am struggling to formulate).

And I am thinking about my Aunt T...who I think was the first I heard say it... though it may have been MaryAnn.

remedy

after nearly a year of all of this, i have finally begun having Covid 19 dreams.

i think they mostly reviled around being somewhere without a mask.

(interesting enough, I think one several nights ago had me in a government building sans mask)

Just now, it was of being in a house full of folk who don't look like me, giving myself... well, attempting to give myself a the vaccine, which I seemed to be doing via a short IV extension instead of directly with hypodermic needle (at a loss for the correct terminology).

No - I think I was inserting a needle, then attaching the dose to that.

Anyway..

I got the needle inserted into my belly area (which may be from my current state of excess insulation), and THEN wondered if I had inserted it into the right place. At that point I decided to ask for assistance and sought out "Mom".

I left the wash/utility room I was in (with needle still inserted) and found a room filled with young persons (again, who don't look like me) and a long banquet-ish table. I was finally directed to "Mom" (younger than me) who gave me the "not my area of expertise" face. She directed me to an older teen boy - tall, large lad with dark, curly, long-ish hair who she characterized as "knowing how to do that". The impression seemed to be that he had some condition that required him to learn to inject himself. 

We began to walk off and that is where I began to wake.

I still have a mental impression of something inserted into longways into my midsection.

So... this is what comes of a day off listening/watching deluded and otherwise people force their way into a government building at the behest of a person with several mental/emotional maladies after malefactors who used stupid and duplicity to get a TAX BREAK decided to put on one last show and it blew up in their collective faces.

The non-natives got very restless yesterday, but not in any way they hadn't already showed us they would.

I guess this is why America needs church and football.

apologies for typos.

" I have killed,

, but I am not a monster.

Monsters are never afraid,

and I'm afraid all the time. "

"People are tribal.

The more settled things are, the bigger the tribes cab be.

The churn comes, and the tribes get small again. "

Amos - THE EXPANSE - s5e6

"why can't they just believe what I say?

why do they only learn from pain?

- philipa georgiou

I know I'm too sedentary and * causing me to harbor anxiety,

because I just had what is a rare, if not unique dream about being in a relatively confined space with a group of 10-or-more strangers without sufficient masking.

And, you know, in the middle of an epidemic.

 

 

 

 

*( it's/that's - Ed. 7/30/21)

"I've seen you die a hundred times. I'll see a hundred more. I can't hope anymore."

 

 

 

(pretty sure this is the timetraveling mom from ST:DISCOVERY)

"Plan and prepare for every possibility

  and you will never act. It is nobler to have courage as we stumble into half the things we fear than to analyze every possible obstacle and begin nothing.

 Great things are achieved by great embracing dangers.

hey, look. THE EXPANSE season 5 ep 2 (by way of Xerxes?) just laid out the kind of military philosophy that someone who gets all of their information from social media might take out of context and use for a useful approach to intercontinental engagement strategy.

Watch "Mariposa" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/HMcFR0OTlKA 

 In roughly the past month, 

 two members of my family have passed away.

One, after a years-long chronic health problems.

The other more recent (so far as I am aware)

One I was prepared for, the other not as much.

These were not Covid-19 deaths.

 

(Oh, I haven't told you about getting to experience to the modern American sociopolitical unrest and worldwide health crisis in the same year?)

That said...

I am tired of it. I am tired from it. I was tempted to say embarrassed but that's not it.

I have felt a tinge of cowardice that I did not...could not...was not in the position to take the.. a leadership role..in going to these funerals and being in the vicinity physically for bereaved family members....

And this is not to make some declaration about how one should feel.

This is not to say that I don't think the decision to remain in place is correct.

This is just to say how it felt...express the emotion.

To say that I am tired. To say how disappointed I am...that lives were not able to be celebrated the way they should be.

that's all. i think.

I am glad my uncle is no more pain. I feel like my aunt should have made it to 90+.

i don't know.

I really wish I had something concise, coherent and poetic to say about it. I don't.

"Those who have a home to return to..."

Midnight Diner, s.3 e.2

 https://www.insider.com/native-american-offensive-racist-things-2020-1

"i didn't know how to love someone or to allow them to love me. My insecurities were suffocating me."

a half human from A Whisker Away.

T.

Somewhere in history,

(someone will claim)

there has been one taller 

or stronger

or lighter

or more capable of stopping stupid in its tracks

with a firm stance askance

with firm fists on hips

with elbows locked on the enemy

foolishness

at a moments notice

at an immediate shift from humor

on a dime turned on a country laugh

a gaze weened on a matriarchy

practicing itself  on elevenortwelve siblings,

And this simply will not be able to be - 

because this individual will not have been

the one

the only

the indomitable

Erma

Lee

.

Radiolab - Deception

http://www.wnycstudios.org/story/91612-deception/ 

Watch "Bakradze - Quiet Loop" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/Fk_dU1tzWRQ 

Jones being humble and Mike Tyson testifying

 or preaching

 or giving a lecture

 or eulogizing

 or giving commencement

  or something.

 "At 54 I found out I didn't know nothin' when I was champ.

   That was youth."

- Mike Tyson

sacred and profane

Reading about subjugation and how entertainment/sport has been a rare area of attainment for The Subjugated....

And thinking about how performance is viewed differently when it is for...religion..?

(Arguably another form of subjagation)

Sacred performance and profane performance.

I'm sure this came up in clown study, but it just occurred to me now.

Where is performance allowed to be entertainment and elevated at the same time? Sacred laughter? 

Difference between those connected to the Earth/a past vs the Secular?

Where is ALL performance, to some degree (or without degree) sacred?

Mike Mainieri - I've Seen It All

Soft Machine - (Black) Velvet Mountain

(Black) Velvet Mountain - Soft Machine from Steve Ruotolo on Vimeo.

guts.

 Last night I tried to finish watching a film that I started but stopped several times out of either flagging momentary interest or lack of regard for the attempt (one actor portraying multiple identical siblings). 

  I tried again last night (this morning) and got as far as a child twin being traumatically injured.

  (broken finger tip hanging by soft tissue)

  at that point I elected to stop watching.

  (and even coming up with a description just now churned some physiological response)

  Later I tried to watch again and, when a butcher knife came out because all of the siblings had to remain identical, I gave up for good...and had the strongest physical reaction of the evening - butterflyquesiness. 

  Interesting that the worst came from an idea, not the actual gore.

  then. today.

I went outside. Walker to the end of the driveway, I noticed something in the street. That something ended up being a cat killed by a vehicle.

I thought of calling Animal Control or the city to come dispose of the remains, but I decided to take it upon myself. My mother had left and I wanted it to be gone before she noticed.

So, I dug a hole, put on a disposable glove, removed the cat. It had happened very recently. There appeared to be no signs of other animals scavenging. It must have happened during the day because no other vehicle appeared to strike it.

 And while I felt something, it didn't really compare to what I felt watching the movie. I felt bad for the cat (this is the second time I have buried a young, black feline near our house). I felt revolted at the movie.

I don't know if I could have picked it up if I had seen it happen...

as stated elsewhere, something has changed. I never used to have such strong reactions...or maybe I just spent too much time avoiding disturbing things...but gore in films definitely never affected my this much before.

maybe it's my biological clock.

(shrug)

(this space held)

 

man-with-child-that-does-not-look-like-me wearing a mask

  and clothes that would seem to indicate his rurality

(even among this general rurality)

   notice the presence of the child, then note that man seems to be gently* urging child's carefulness and      noting it's dueness to seeing my motorcycle

 

man's....audacity?....lack of hesitance to have boy come walk over to the bike....even encouraging leading it

    (or maybe he just wanted to look to)

 

me asking if child wants to sit/if it is ok for him to sit on

 

  guiding child around to "correct" side

 

(non-hot-exhaust side)

 

  man's again gentle urging for him to heed instruction, take help up

 

 child's heeding my instruction/joy at starting motor/drawn-in-lipped-O-face at revving

    me sensing time to go/seeing man's gentle nudge to get off

man's instruction to say "thank you

 

   man's introduction of sexualization/genderization

 

"you'll be able to get lots of twinkies with one of those"

 

  my understanding on second take and hesitant agreement 

(well, they have been known to attract people...although the people most attracted by it seem to be, in order: boychildren, dogs, children, menfolk)

    child saying as they walk away, "I made a new friend today"

the slight halt, softly disingenuous-seeming affirmative response of man to that.

not wanting to make a point out of the experience in this "climate of division".

thinking about how, recently, I notice how much I have shifted from that child who could befriend anyone.

how many of childhood friends could not/would not be now.

 

 

extracurricular

    so, you know, 

don't wait.

  I have become disappointed, dismayed, depressed, d-etc. at all the things I had determined to do this summer/year that I intended to do that the COVID incursion has incurzzzed upon...

  Even to the point of coming up with new! things that I hadn't thought of to intend to do this year that I feel like I can't do because (#stayhomeyafeckers!!).

 Which to somebodysomewhere is going to start looking like a familiar successful excuse acquisition.

  ain't I just useless?

 

    so, you know, 

don't wait.

 

Fwd:

A dream on a nap where i, for some reason, to a job working as an assistant at a clinic... Apparently thinking that they know my limits... Immediately getting in peril for not knowing what/where things are... Ended by being called in desperation to help with child not breathing, touching his chest, and him coming right back.

Assume this has something to do with search/concern for choosing health care for next year... But a calling...?

(bloodfeint)

--

Peace:
cW

I can't see anymore.

My body is changing.

It is not it's not all changing the same way.

There is the part that controls, that says "do this".

There is the part that says "you should do this".

There is the part that says "why do this".

There are the parts that do.

There are the parts that do so I can do.

And they are all changing.

Some are trying to do more.

Some seem to do progressively less.

Some seem to be acting - or want to act in last acts of desperation.

Some seem to want to keep acting as though they have all the time in the world.

Just now/before/hours ago I feel asleep reading a work of fiction. 

About an hour ago I woke up, somewhat, and my thoughts are able to move,

to dance,

back and forth,

limber,

the way I wish my body still could,

our the way it never has that I always wished;

the part called my mind feels like it can't do what it used to -

but out of sleep, just into waking, when I am able to paint it instead of push it,

it can/will still create and move and breathe and jump and skip 

something out of the nothing into everything

I wish I could say

or do

or leave

when I'm gone.

We time travel. 

We exist in the present.

We can remember and be in the past.

We can imagine and be in the future.

We can wonder and create what didn't happen.

We can wonder and create what won't happen.

We can change the future.

We can alter reality.

We can alter realities.

we don't need LSD.

(do we?)

The dark.

The quiet.

The soft non-tactility.

The sleep.

The limitation of sensory input allows...gives the mind...

frees the mind...

is the time the mind has to operate, to process, re-order, to shift,

to "play with"

all of the information, the stimulus, 

the input

it has received

to create order

to create chaos

to create reason

to create reasoning

to find the reasons

to move forward.

(with life).

****

(lastly)

All language

is language.

The difficulty of learning language is simply not believing that one can understand, that language is a thing that must be studied or learned to be understood. 

Humans communicate. Every time humans communicate, they create new language. There are no language barriers, just barriers to communication.

No message is ever perfect. No receiver ever gets a message exactly as a sender intends it. There is always interpretation. 

(interpolation?)

There is always translation. 

Understanding language is a process of assumption.

All communication is translation.

"Languages" are just proper-noun names for common assumptions.

Humans communicate.

Beings communicate. Understanding is always possible.

Desire to communicate.

search terms

"two men and two women, and four negroes"

system commands as magical incantations

programming language as ancient words

programming as sorcery

system engineers as sorcerers 

computer scientists as saints/angels

mathemticians as _ods?

It is not until some 9 (10?) years later that I realize that the title Jean Grae's mixtape COOKIES OR COMAS is a conditional threat.

(meaning I finally figured out the connection on the outro when she says the next mixtape will be called "Cake Or Death".)

 "...lets face it:

in the western world

a free Black cat 

is a bad nigger

...and he's in danger. "

james baldwin on mavis on four

Check out Moonless by Gabriel Garzón-Montano on Amazon Music

 

 

Moonless by Gabriel Garzón-Montano on Amazon Music
 
 

Watch "Safety Pin" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/fh_4VRuGbT4 

Watch "James Blake - Buzzard And Kestrel" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/Gtcs9t80Lxg 

Watch "Shigeto - Sky Of The Revolution" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/8_t34ltikTA 

Check out Little Girl / Breathe (Live) by Lalah Hathaway on Amazon Music

Check out Little Girl / Breathe (Live) by Lalah Hathaway on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B015SJLYF2?trackAsin=B015SJMKR8&ref=dm_sh_dsjQrvdwaEpDVUHWO4IT8wCGD
 

Watch "Riding Dragons" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/DUV2kbQJYGI 

 Though I remember why I didn't - the feeling of inability, indecision and wariness from grad school,

but I do wish that I had spent the 00's acquiring certificates..or merely educational experience.

That I has allowed myself to by a novice at things and just learn about them.

Rather than feel like I had a degree and had to "do something with it".

Always be a student....no matter how many pieces of paper you have.

And do not force the necessity of acquiring pieces of paper upon yourself.

Learn a little bit. Learn over a long period of time. Learn as much is pleasing. 

Learn to learn it's ok to come back to a thing you FINALLY learned the point of that someone was trying to teach you that time in that class in that place....

OTHERNEWS:

if you have no sickle cells genes, you won't get sickle cell.

if you have two sickle cell genes, you will get sickle cell.

if you have one of each, you will have a natural resistance to malaria, because malaria don't like sickle cells.

(courtesy: HUMAN NATURE)

hard men

• Iron Age – Hesiod finds himself in the Iron Age. During this age, humans live an existence of toil and misery. Children dishonor their parents, brother fights with brother and the social contract between guest and host (xenia) is forgotten. During this age, might makes right, and bad men use lies to be thought good. At the height of this age, humans no longer feel shame or indignation at wrongdoing; babies will be born with gray hair and the gods will have completely forsaken humanity: "there will be no help against evil."

"may I say something"

 (sigh)

 I feel bad,

 that, as a person who regularly states the importance of facts and being an informed participant,

 that I am utterly unable to watch the presidential debate.

 

wait - did I not tell you that, because Barack Obama gave up on the push for the culture shift in political discourse away from the assignment of the tribal labels of "Conservative" and "Liberal" (at that point, still secondary to "Rep" and "Dem") assigned by Newt, Rush and the Pennsylvania Avenue NeoCon Krew and, years later, the least qualified least fit human being in...perhaps, all political history was elected (by the electoral college, despite a clear popular vote defeat) as president? 

oh. well. I'm sorry. Yeah... And he didn't even hide that he is a ridiculous sycophant. He didn't try to make himself better to make an actual attempt to do a job that he obviously didn't want (or expect to have to) do.

so. like I was saying - 

I feel like I SHOULD watch the debate in order to be able to talk constructively about it.

which seems like a concept rife with - irony is simply not a big enough word...

I tried. I did. I will try to read a transcript instead.

I guess I will read up on the other items on the ballot now. 

"Ma'am, can I go to the library? I promise I'll go straight there and study...I just can't take any more of THIS."

so, I am fragile, right? 

Snowflakey?

(......)

"Even when I'm clean,

I'm still a dope fiend."

ev ree bah dees awl weiz chrai eeng tu sel mee sohm theeng

old stuff

in rage.

 it hurts.

it literally HURTS.

right here inside this body.

in the place where the breath comes down that moves the blood.


IT LITERALLY PHYSICALLY HURTS

to have someone tell you that they can "talk to anybody"

and pose as though they are listening to you

 

and act as though they want to know what you have to say....

and with the very same breathe

tell you that "nobody can change their mind"....

and tell you that they don't judge

and then set about delineating the sins of the world -

and halt themselves long enough to tell you that 

they "don't know what you do or think" -

then immediately return to telling you what they know you do 

and how you think.....

and you keep letting it happen.

(breath)

(breath)

(lump)

(throat)

(grit)

(hurts).

IT HURTS

Little Bruv

inside the gas station where I went for sugar I didn't need grabbing sugar need didn't with his twist-locked mother in her young mother slight-shrug arm-cross

waving and saying high to me as he got into the car from behind his mask.

I am harboring a lot of anxiety. I have been having dreams...one of people telling me I have symptoms. I am thinking of giving up on the census sense I live with older folk. I am going to try to be steadfast about not entering people's homes.

Or I am definitely going to stop working. 

 I am become increasingly anxious of living in a house with old folke and interacting daily with a possibly-Covid-positive world.

 Also, people in their 20s are assholes, particularly when not from the country, and I feel increasingly unable to deal.

 Also also, why do ..... people hold their mobile devices slanted when video chatting, or whichever.

 

 ugh.

 

sigh.

 

I miss art museums.

 

Children of the Sea is a lovely 2 hour salve for those aching to see light and color and shape.

hbg

Happy birthday, Gwen.

Sorry you had to see all of....THIS.

 My vision is getting blurry from an increasing distance out.

I can't remember anything that just happened in my brain. 

From now on: everything has to be large and dayglo.

and write on it what I'm supposed to do with it once I find it.

Bill LaBounty - A Tear Can Tell on You

 

I think I might be pregnant.

 I am having very strong reactions to smells. I assume it's got something to do with this enflamed/sensitive sinus that I assume has got to do with allergies since it has passed two different COVID tests at two different offices.

Oh? 

 

Did I not tell you that the world finally got hit with that viral pandemic that made it across the wholeglobe in less than a year? 

And that people sort of did lose their sh*t?

And that some people still think it's fake?

And that people (u.s.of.americans) took a whole summer and an entire percentage of the population dying or sickening to wear a damn mask (which many still don't or don't take seriously)?

(sigh)

sorry. put it on the list of things I need to catch you up on. 

we should have lunch sometime!!

what? no. not in person!

oh, wait...yeah. It'll make sen... I mean -

 

...I'll explain it later.

Bag Raiders - Back to Myself

 

 

 

  I like what this/these British electric youth have done with their quarantine time*.

 

 

 

(* I have no idea when or where this music was produced. I am fairly certain that they are carbon/corporeal and not energy-based life.)

 

 

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars

Listen to: S3 E7 (The Wrong Apocalypse) - Future Wars - https://one.npr.org/i/900826631:900826633 

 

Com Truise - Alfa Beach

aside from my general affinity for spacemusik and vampy synth,

I'm not certain why it is I affine this song so,

Or why I am unable to say why I care so particularly for any of the things I do recently.

Perhaps it is related to my general resistance to declare "love for anything",

As I stopped myself from doing with the above.

hm.

Jon Cleary & Nigel Hall - Jealous Guy

https://youtu.be/HGM1ELTii2o 

I just heard this for the first time while listening to The Acoustic Cafe on KEDM in north Louisiana, and my eyes watered at the beginning strains and I got choked-up when John Cleary began to sing and I don't know why.

"your name is dangerously close to the universe"

(A reminder for later.)

retrieval

Like many others, I am currently re-watching avatar the Last Airbender on Netflix.

Revelations through season 2 ep 6:

You know, I think the writing is even better than I remember...the animation is noticeably better later, yet much of the movment in the first season is lovely, nonetheless.

(that dude that made Avatar) absolutely ripped the networked tree concept and design elements of the "un-touched" natives from season 2 ep 4.

It absolutely astounds me that I only now realize that "The Boulder" is the Rock.

I don't think SNL was doing satire/homage this as well as this show at the time.

Bonnie Pointer.

"Everyone should own their masters."

Remx:

'€veryone should pwn their master$'

I'm currently thinking about the difference between speaking the language of the ppl ur in the room with and putting on a false face... toxic appropriation.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/07/can-an-unloved-child-learn-to-love/612253/

Here, in tje the midst of second puberty,

I think it's not so much that I am afraid of what's happening to my body and brain as I wish I knew what was going to happen...

As it is, presbyopia is reaching further away and sitting in the vehicle can go from "reading comfortably" to "dashing for woods deeply secluded enough to prevent further embarrassment or citation" simply by turning one's hips.

There are times when I dream and I understand why I experienced the random surreality that I did - either some environmental some influence (like falling asleep to podcasts) or some specific anxiety that has occupied my consciousness (needing to memorize something, grading papers...or whatever other thing I wanted to do).

Then there are others that are less accessible...

Just now I dreamt about the only person I'd proposed to (on the cusp of two decades ago, on-then-off). This is not a new thing. There was a great deal of detail this time and in a context that I am very mich not in.

We were in an 80s future-vision office bullding lobby (seemed like). We were having a discussion about "what happened", but in a non-direct, lyrical, theatrical way (ideas, not production numbers). 

I have already waited too long to be able to type specifics of the conversation (this happened...an hour ago?), and I really wish I could. Basicslly it seems to have been an expression of how our communicstion went (to me): she saying something in short bursts that wasn't conveying and my saying things in long volleys.

What seemed different is that some real "why" seemed to come out of it. Or, at least, me specifically saying how I felt. Then right when I was about to lay some great point bare, I had a sudden diarrhetic expulsion and started for a nearby restroom while still finishing a point, trying to keep "it" as contained in my drawers as possible and hoping no smell or spot was yet apparent. The rest trailed off in to typical dreamy mistiness as I searched for a stall im thus huge, stainless, steel restroom that seemed to have been built without stalls. 

What struck me was how specific, detailed and non-dreamy it was up to that point. I could see closely the quality if her skin, micro-fine facial hairs, slightly sun-tinted conjunctiva of the eye.

I was wearing khaki slacks and a polo...which I haven't done with regularity in a fairly long time.

It's interesting how, regardless of the dream, whatever the climax is seems to be the point at which the startling realism seems to suddenly stop. Or wane. Or dissipate. And the potential answer (or desire?) ... or resolution... slip away.

therr may have actually been a shift in location...or maybe it just looked different from different angles...but it seems like it was more intimate beginning, and then less at the end....enhancing embarrassment....

(shrug)

I guess life sucks when you don't get to say what you want to.

{i was dreaming before i wrote this, so sue me if....}

(uhm..what is this?)

Lonnie Liston Smith - Expansions (Official Audio)

Eddie Kendricks - Girl You Need A Change Of Mind (1973 Audio Redone By D...

Lamont Dozier - Going To My Roots (1977)

simon says that your mind is requesting a furlough.

I just saw a man in Lowe's wearing an under armour t-shirt that said " go ahead hate me "on the front.

He was not wearing a mask, I don't know how closely he was standing next to me.

b. Lewis for days alone

Cfcf exercise #8 (change)

both:

rollicking.

Sohn - "Oscillate"

"Hold fire hostage."

"Oscillate"

Hm.

https://youtu.be/CjlCcGxP6L0 

I hope that, in teaching youth politeness, I can also teach them honesty and with a preference for the latter if there must be a choice.

Yet, viewing human tendency, I wonder at the wisdom of that - if, given the nature of human psyche, there really is a benefit to making someone "feel good" rather tell the truth (in long term as well as shirt term).

My stand is that there is always an acceptable, if not easy way to tell the truth.

And that is my question. Am I wrong?

cruces

that crazy moment when you're playing what was thought to be a Steve Arrington mix on Youtube and I Wld Die 4 U comes on and the lyrics are different than you'd remembered and you see Prince motion skyward on the "he's your messiah" and realize that he's not saying "and you'll love the reason why" but "YOU'RE the reason why" and you realize that song that sort of has been probably you favorite Prince song for at least some period in life is actually about Jesus.

Now.

Play THAT in church.