195 KAYTRANADA

Check out 195 by KAYTRANADA on Amazon Music https://music.amazon.com/albums/B017KP788E?trackAsin=B017KP7D84&ref=dm_sh_Eewb7siROvZdYhLFo2EJHiP89

Today I took my absolutely not fit for off-roading motorcycle off-roading.

We survived.

Not quite unscathed...(didn't stay cool, didn't back off for fear losing momentum and not concentrating on the trail I was on/worrying about the trail ahead/getting caught after dusk)...one drop...a few more scratches.

And now,

though In understood in theory before,

I really understand going off-road on a bike. 

and now I kinda want one.

Or, at least, the chance to ride one in October Mtn. State Reservation.

But not to replace my current bike. 

My big ol' girl has been SO good the past few days...

Maybe I'll just rent a mountain bike.

I also definitely get the appeal off-road electric bikes.

Go ride off.

Ride slow, ride gentle. Leave the trail as good or better than you found it.

Seriously.

Better than a roller coaster.

on the road.

again.

"I think it's my personal responsibility to pour scorn on this in a glib way."

- Richard Ayoade

homework

I am currently reading three books:

one on history and perception the anglo underclass in America

the autobiography of the current Dalai Lama

a workbook on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


For some reason, the only one I seem inclined to read is the first.


I don't know if that's because the other two are, on varying levels about self-work.

and I'm lazy.


although, before I finished it, I was more inclined to read the Binti series...


I fully admit it might have to do with the comfort of escapism...

but I also have this thing about finishing prose. I think one of the reasons I used to not read is because I didn't like the time investment in following a novel through to the end.


 AND there was that short-attention-span/wondering focus thing that was once even worse than it is now.

  It is something I have already discovered, but I appear to be one of those that needs a hand held through therapy.


Moral:

if there is something you don't want to do, find something that is a more extreme degree of whatever you don't want to do, tell yourself you have to do THAT...then maybe you'll feel like doing the other thing.


And by "you",

i mean mE.




 

micdrop.

I am having a moment when I feel like I am floating around in the world, but am not part of it.

Hopefully, that will change when I work on a small project soon,

But my concern is the impermanence of the change as well as some fear that it will not go well to me*. I am having some... realization regarding my reaction to situations where people have high/er expectations of me... it's easy to be impressive when nobody sees it coming...(or that is some other thing I have yet to admit).

*I won't meet my expectations.

I want something to do, but I don't want a job.

I want to be seen/respected, but I despise hubris and fitting into expectations.

I want to be productive, but feel no real ambition toward anything.

as I am sure I've said before...(something something regressing).

too old

            to rhyme

                            too bad

                                         too late

word?

I don't know what my father was just improvising on his keyboard, or if it was improvising, 

but it sounded like Cameo.

respiration

You know that gasp that happens when a group of people are communally experiencing a story and  thing that they really , really hope is going to happen that they are suspicious but more hope might happen takes them still by surprise?

I just did that.

With a book.

I think it's the first time i have ever done that.

And the author did it BEAUTIFULLY.

(exhale)

(goes back to read page again)

edit:

Actually, I experienced a similar sensation the day before while watching an anime.

It was more relief, but it was still what I was hesitant to call the  feeling from the book: cathartic.

Interesting because neither was a conclusion.

Well, in the anime, it was toward the end of an episode.

"Last Hero". Give it a chance. Deep.


and Nnedi Okorafor is all up in my chest looking like Omi Osun Olowo.

Re:

"When you jump, it is not the height that matters, it is the space beneath you."

On Wed, May 15, 2019, 9:48 PM CWalkerJr <c.walker.jr@gmail.com> wrote:

"Movement is never mute, it is a language. It is a series of energetic shapes written in the air likenwords forming sentences. 

Like poems.

Like prayers."

- from Suspiria

"Movement is never mute, it is a language. It is a series of energetic shapes written in the air likenwords forming sentences. 

Like poems.

Like prayers."

- from Suspiria

"Delusion...is a lie that tells a truth."

- "Suspiria"

"it is better to be the head of a chicken than the tail of a bull".

- Toyo

Street Food 102

intensity

(coming out from the dark)

<a light so bright that it blinds through closed eyes>

"All people fear decisive, proud honor."

- Okwu the Meduse from BINTI

I am thinking something about singers and access/connection of the voice to the spirit and how many of the best actors were practiced singing at some point.

Is it that or is it both?

Poetry?

Speaking is communication of thought/idea

Singing is communication of emotion/spirit

communication vs. expression

aliens

easterbeast

I don't know what that is on its back.

objectivity

I don't know how to title this

So, I thought wrote something about grace, needing to move, a chance and getting it.

I may have put it elsewhere... I will look for it later.

For now,


I will say that tonight I went back to a place that I had hoped would be something new for me.

And it turned very painful.


And I have been reluctant to go back there due to reminders of that pain...


But I have gone back on a couple of occasions and it's been ok.


So I went back tonight.



And one of those reminders showed up.

YES, it was a person. Someone it didn't even occur to me that I would come across.

And it took me a second to recognize them. And I could see that they were recognizing me.


At the end of the event. This person came up and asked if I remembered them. I said yes.


They asked if I was "coming back".

Which I found interesting.

(I was a teacher. And this person did not do well in my class.)

And there were a few people like that, and I always wonder what coming across them again will be like.

And how genuine there cordiality is.

But the person asked. I believe I responded "I don't think so".

They then invited me to come back to another event on campus in a couple days.


And there was another student who recognized me before that who greeted me warmly.

(not that I ever had a problem with said person...but I never knew where I stood with a lot of the folk there)

And I left that building that represented so much pain for me feeling lighter.


yes.


Lighter.


and maybe less hurt.


(sigh)

easter.

"Guilt keeps them outside the arc of grace."

Not co-habitating highlights the need of living communally in a community. 

We need each other because we're so damned afraid of each other.

babel

So, is the rule that you should always start by speaking the most common language of where you are, even if you have to eventually resort to what you are actually fluent in?

Or should you try to speak the language of what environment you are in?

Is it a diss to try someone else's language and fail..

Or is it a diss to not want to denigrate a language with a bad attempt?

Get it together.

hael

(aka: that day the sky fell)

"My father is no !onger sure of who I am. He wonders what else he doesn't know."

from the MONSTER.


(sealab)

(2021)


(episode...4?)

I hate the way

when one gets in the area around NYC where more people than not walk and ride instead of drive,

where people walking on the street are strangers first and foremost,

that people go out of their way to look

up

down

askance

askew

too avoid eye contact...

even when there really aren't that many people to pass by.

But I guess they've passed by a few thousand by the time they get to Union City.

Still...

(sigh)

progress

"I always get to where I am going by walking away from where I have been."

- Winnie T. Pooh

Give Me Your Best Shot - Kim-Dog Jr.

"Why don't you just let go,

and quiet down your ego."

first line of "Why Don't You"

by Cleo Sol

(heard on a day when frustration, anxiety and embarrassment came to a head in a grade school)

"the flaws of selfie culture"

http://www.cnn.com/style/article/amalia-ulman-instagram-excellences-perfections/

So Ira Alridge rewrote Aaron...

https://www.shakespeare.org.uk/explore-shakespeare/blogs/mislike-me-not-my-complexion/

(sigh)

I am trying to get more comfortable letting my hair down around others, 

but I really don't like when people objectify my hair.

Which I guess it is.

But

(ew).

Christchurch mosque shooting: The faces of the victims

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=12213358

radiation

For the first time I am in a house in a room with a wood-burning stove.

it never previously occurred that this would be something that appealed to me.

In fact I guess it didn't appeal to me.

Until that first night when I woke up really cold.

and it may have been something I was getting acclimated to since I've been chopping and stacking a lot of wood for somebody with a fireplace...

but since the second night and since it was already stuffed with paper and kindling and fuel for me to start it,

I look forward to when it's cool enough just start the fire.

Aside from discovering the difference in efficiency and utility between the stove and a decorative fireplace,

There's just something that helps settle one down about a fire in the evening

And something that gets one up about a fire in the morning.

Interesting that it works both ways...

But I do feel a little bit odd about burning all of my host's would up.

P.S.: this thing is really good at drying shoes if you can find a way to suspend them over the top of it without them touching it.

Kim-Dog Jr - Give Me Your Best

 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7IPc2IJAaidi9xTgI7v2cp?si=Fz3wCK0wQCKzav3474K67Q

 

 

if you love me youll right me some thing deep too this

That moment when you're working on (these $&##_ lines) and see a group of wild turkeys trotting, single-file through the snow in back of the house you're staying in for a few weeks.

#SometimesIGetToBeAnActor
#IWishIdComeUpHereWhenILivedInNewYork

As usual, I need help.

It takes me twice as long to do things as it should.

As generally unhelpful as the internet is at keeping me focused on a task that isn't exploiting several search engines and browsers,  I could spend a few monutes remebering what used to do the same before I had access to it.

Or cable, for that matter. 

My usually-cluttered room would serve as inspirstion for distraction...

And if there was a catalog available with a toy or electronics sections or pictures of pretty much anything that wasn't clothes,

I was highly unlikely to get any task that I was *supposed* to be doing finished.

Those catalogues included monochrome J.C. Whitney auto parts on that phone book paper that was just barely more durable than Kleenex and Radio Shack parts catalogs. 

Yes, I could spend hours fantasizing, daydreaming and coming up with some quite detailed and elaborate transforming mecha fictionalizations by looking at transistors, switches, LEDs, capacitors, project boxes, wires, cables, cable tubes, monitors....

so on/so forth. 

So I have to find the will to finish a week's worth of work in a few days.

Which wouldn't be so hard if I didn't tend to turn that into a week's worth in a couple days

and so on.

.and so forth

yeah.

...

.......

..

(sigh)

back to worK ->

MF DOOM - Sarsparilla

practice

your

verbs

.

Lone - Airglow Fires

https://open.spotify.com/track/5DdA1G6YY7g7WUmgB8fhoS

" I didn't feel like I knew enough anymore about myself or the world to reflect it as an actor. I felt isolated."

- Meg Ryan

Samantha James - Find A Way

John Holt - Left With a Broken Heart

MuteMath - Changes

Some Jazz - Falty DL

https://open.spotify.com/track/2YH4yFAcNkH2mXsjYuuqlK?si=fTjosr8zTriXfXIB2VdnYQ

#move

Victor Malloy - Pecan Butter

"White people advocating for people they never met."

Jordan Jesse GO podcast episode. 570

Pretty Hurts - Code Switch (NPR)

click

speak the speech.

Performed dramatic poetry seems not only a way to develop facility in one's own language, but a good way, also, to learn and grow facile in new languages.

Or is that obvious?

"Often times, if you want to do theatre, you end up in a life of crime instead."

- Hooky, A Series of Unfortunate Events

Bat For Lashes - Whats A Girl To Do (Plaid Remix) HQ

Listen to: Guitarist Tom Morello Answers The Question: What Scares You? - https://one.npr.org/i/688110239:688110240

I don't know whose pride I hate more...

Yours

or mine.

Every one of his words is in order for something to happen.

husband.

house-bound.

hm.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame...

https://youtu.be/-iz_mVgEzqg

"Law was invented to stop the cycle of revenge."

Wait. What?

https://open.spotify.com/album/5YJnD5KqNUwbV3AnXEIYTU

wondering...

Is Chuckii Booker aware that Portrait's "All Natural Girl is pretty much "Games"?

"They're always telling me to act more postable."

"I'm Andre 3000 the Giant."

"Ooh! So fresh and so Gene!"

I love you people so much right now.

cigarettes stink.

cigarettes + (whatever) = stink.

cigarettes

stink

.

endurance.

I find that, rather than becoming more patient, I am becoming more sensitive to feeling dehumanized, unseen or disrespected...as well as more sensitive to situations where I am not self-sufficient.


embarrassed, I guess, is a word,

if not "the".


which I suppose is what happens when more of this thing called time passes...and there are more and more ppl in positions to...


that will have the opportunity to...


subordinate you?


or to whom you will be subordinate.



one of the hard parts about not building wealth...or how to build self-sufficiency without dealing with currency.


I propose that a great deal of the "unrest in the world today" stems from that.

from grown-ups who don't feel like they are sufficiently grown-up...or respected as such...


or allowed to act as such...on their own terms.



as society chases money, those that have seem to get younger and younger....



so. I'm losing patience. even in a situation where I should likely be subordinate.

it's hard not to say/think "you don't know...I was doing (insertx,y,z)  before you were even a spark...whodoyouthinkyouaretalkingto"



   and I also propose that it's all harder when you have no one to remind you to do...and to remind you it will be ok....and to listen so it's processed in the air instead of processed in your gut.

a gut that's worked a lifetime saving your life..

and begins, at some point, to not be able to deal with all that sh.......


  hm.

  (inhale)

  (ex).

wild. and thick.

preach.

"The world needs assholes. Otherwise, where will the shit go out?"

- Dusan

"Downsizing"

Wreck it, Ralph.

click.

fountain pond park.

annoyance.

And the lingering embarrassment of dropping blood pressure..

And the frosted diaphony of a just-thawing, just-frozen pond.

And the mystery of a trail map.

And the dry-soft carpet of brown leaves/

And the white noise quiet of a nearby roadway/

And the whisper cacophony of the wind through leaves.

And the heightened listening for animals/

And the secure visibility of bare limbs.

And the barely-kiss of sunlight breaking thick clouds and evergreen canopy.

And the soft fall of clumped, polymorph ice-snow.

And the green defiance of ferns in pseudo-winter fall.

And the pleasant satisfaction of a short trail.

And the piqued curiosity coming after an open field

And the gratification of finding one's way back.

And the quiet, lively beauty of a marsh.

And the glinting disappointment of wet socks.

And high-humming notes of tall trunks bending in wind.

And the amorphous balance of trunks wind-fallen.

And the wet soft catch of leaves now moist -

and the satisfaction of the trail when done.

dream 11/14/18

last night/morning I dreamt that I decided, for some odd reason, I wanted a beer (which was in a convenience store in a soda-style dispenser) -but I didn't want to get it myself.

so, underaged drinker or drinker that's been cut off-style, I asked somebody else to get it for me.

He did and wanted one for himself, to which he added what looked kombucha.

When he went to pay, I put down the money ($40 for two Big Gulpy fountain beers) and the clerk refused to  sell them. I showed my ID proving I age, and he still didn't accept.

This turned into some kind of ok, "I'll just wait for the police" thing.


I woke up with no beer being had.

cumin

- n.,

the spice created to scare seditty, scared-to-sweat, afraid of a little funk people away from your food.

oculus

And, of course, on a day when I'm fretting over my apparent time-diminished vision,

I see a woman walking with a friend, scanning ahead of herself with a long, thin, white cane, laughing and joculant.

#stupidperspectivesomethingsomething

discomfort

Me: ( moves up to counterperson at local bistro to place order, smiling)

Sweater lady wisks up to counterperson to have hot drinks refilled, seeming no notice of Me

Me noting the sensation of another moment of not being seen

(a moment)

Sweater Lady: (to Me, scanning) I love the way you look.

Me: (un-knowing what to say, sheepish) Thank you.

SL: I love to see people just being themselves.

Me: That's what you should be, right?

SL: Well, that's what I think.

Me: (attempt at not being sheepish) There enough ppl not getting paid to act.

SL: oh, is that what you are?

Me: (unspoken "oh" and moment of fought urge to be expository)..Yeah. (still awkward/sheep smile)

SL, as soon as her drinks arrive, leaves...no greeting or acknowledgement.

END.

You won't likely understand what I'm now going to say. That's fine...my concern is that I, at some point, won't.

Speak will these fingers nonetheless:

I finally figured out, I think, why these people around me now don't "hear" me.

It is because they are Latinate*. They are cerebral. The struggle they have is to reabsorb themselves with the earth.

(the uh, the ah, the low, the base, the mud the dark)

When I intend to speak a truth, from the low place,

[hung low /er than bowels]

they only see the words, the letters.

they don't hear the sounds.

i have marvelled at language that is tonal only 'til now realizing that speaking with tones is something I already do.

perhaps I'll try to preface these flashes of music with a request that they feel me with a bone further down than their heads.

perhaps their Sternum.

#youfeelme?

(*no not "latino/a/x)

For the record:

I am currently sitting in a room with a space heater on wearing full thermal underwear (with an undershirt), socks (I wish they were thermal) Thai-style fishing pants and a large wool-style hooded pull-over...with a 64oz Boathouse Farms juice bottle full of hot water under my top two layers.

The thermometer says 49...and thats up 3 since I first checked this morning.

|:-#

don't look up

Alma del Huila - Bishoune'

click.

Listen to: Right-Wing Hate Groups Are Recruiting Video Gamers

Listen to: Right-Wing Hate Groups Are Recruiting Video Gamers - http://one.npr.org/i/660642531:664492185

Paradise Circus (remix) - Massive Attack

Today somebody thanked me for being her friend and teacher.

I realize that it probably is not quite the first time I've been thanked for that, but it the first time explicitly so.

you are welcome.

thank you.

"my mama said

'never throw a stone and hide your hand'

"

-j electronica

Ep1: Wu-Tang In Space Eating Impossible™ Sliders

sanity.

Dream 10/16/18

Real Most recent exists and is in picture...

Nigerian-american(?) woman is in picture...straight hair...

Event gathering...

Kiss/something/event signifying willness to move on/try

THEN gathering.

Go back to her place, bed, she pulls out LARGE clippers and starts on beard, i say NO. She says you won't work unless you do, i say yeah sure when someone (producer?) tells you that specifically, but don't do it without asking, she says someone DID say that specifically.

Conundrum.

Interesting...

(Teacher from gsu with minivan?)

The relationship between wisdom and malevolence.



discuss.

3 mcs, 1 dj

https://youtu.be/PT8YUB1Ym0A

last night I dreamed that a former relationship person who I haven't seen in many many many years had turned into a ethno Centrist extremist person who had sort of joined a small cult..?

Water.

Water everywhere!

And not a drop of seltzer to drink...

'thete are only 12 notes

You should really investigate what everybody did with those 12 notes.'

Mikyra Burnell

Free. Style.

shift

https://youtu.be/wjDwNv7X6wQ

shelburne falls

another from Shelburne Falls

If one is of a narrow point of view, one might see something as new/unique when one of another (larger) point of view might see repetition...

Catharsis

Is the realization of fears and the awakening of empathy.

The Language to release 

(pain)

Are Ramen Noodles Bad for You, or Good? http://flip.it/5.MN1y

 

"dada hair"

 

.

Storycorps: Never Say Goodbye

StoryCorps 537: Never Say Goodbye (NPR, Jun 29)
https://play.podtrac.com/npr-510200/npr.mc.tritondigital.com/NPR_510200/media/anon.npr-mp3/npr/storycorps/2018/06/20180629_storycorps_sc062918.mp3?orgId=1&d=708&p=510200&story=624733659&t=podcast&e=624733659&ft=pod&f=510200

Hi, Gwen.

So, today I did a thing.

And it was sort of a monumental thing.

Something I could have done a long time ago,

but I didn't.


potential deferred`and such...

anyway. I conceived a thing.

And asked for help.

And I wracked my brain for ideas.

And I chose a thing.

And I let the idea change without throwing it away.

And I found inspiration.

And I used what I've learned in the past.

And didn't give up when it got trying.

And didn't let the deviL win.

And did a thing.

Probably the thing that should have been my graduate project...but, you know, different.

...and people seemed to like it.

It wasn't perfect.

There were some things that didn't go the way I intended.

But there's always next time.

Yes, NEXT time.

Because I believe in the idea. And I believe I can do it again.

I did work. And it felt good.


and I'm glad it happened on Your day.


happy birthday Gwen.

I love you.

I hope you were in the room with me.



peace:

c w j

I don't want to get up.