" I have killed,

, but I am not a monster.

Monsters are never afraid,

and I'm afraid all the time. "

"People are tribal.

The more settled things are, the bigger the tribes cab be.

The churn comes, and the tribes get small again. "

Amos - THE EXPANSE - s5e6

"why can't they just believe what I say?

why do they only learn from pain?

- philipa georgiou

I know I'm too sedentary and * causing me to harbor anxiety,

because I just had what is a rare, if not unique dream about being in a relatively confined space with a group of 10-or-more strangers without sufficient masking.

And, you know, in the middle of an epidemic.

 

 

 

 

*( it's/that's - Ed. 7/30/21)

"I've seen you die a hundred times. I'll see a hundred more. I can't hope anymore."

 

 

 

(pretty sure this is the timetraveling mom from ST:DISCOVERY)

"Plan and prepare for every possibility

  and you will never act. It is nobler to have courage as we stumble into half the things we fear than to analyze every possible obstacle and begin nothing.

 Great things are achieved by great embracing dangers.

hey, look. THE EXPANSE season 5 ep 2 (by way of Xerxes?) just laid out the kind of military philosophy that someone who gets all of their information from social media might take out of context and use for a useful approach to intercontinental engagement strategy.

Watch "Mariposa" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/HMcFR0OTlKA 

 In roughly the past month, 

 two members of my family have passed away.

One, after a years-long chronic health problems.

The other more recent (so far as I am aware)

One I was prepared for, the other not as much.

These were not Covid-19 deaths.

 

(Oh, I haven't told you about getting to experience to the modern American sociopolitical unrest and worldwide health crisis in the same year?)

That said...

I am tired of it. I am tired from it. I was tempted to say embarrassed but that's not it.

I have felt a tinge of cowardice that I did not...could not...was not in the position to take the.. a leadership role..in going to these funerals and being in the vicinity physically for bereaved family members....

And this is not to make some declaration about how one should feel.

This is not to say that I don't think the decision to remain in place is correct.

This is just to say how it felt...express the emotion.

To say that I am tired. To say how disappointed I am...that lives were not able to be celebrated the way they should be.

that's all. i think.

I am glad my uncle is no more pain. I feel like my aunt should have made it to 90+.

i don't know.

I really wish I had something concise, coherent and poetic to say about it. I don't.

"Those who have a home to return to..."

Midnight Diner, s.3 e.2

 https://www.insider.com/native-american-offensive-racist-things-2020-1

"i didn't know how to love someone or to allow them to love me. My insecurities were suffocating me."

a half human from A Whisker Away.

T.

Somewhere in history,

(someone will claim)

there has been one taller 

or stronger

or lighter

or more capable of stopping stupid in its tracks

with a firm stance askance

with firm fists on hips

with elbows locked on the enemy

foolishness

at a moments notice

at an immediate shift from humor

on a dime turned on a country laugh

a gaze weened on a matriarchy

practicing itself  on elevenortwelve siblings,

And this simply will not be able to be - 

because this individual will not have been

the one

the only

the indomitable

Erma

Lee

.

Radiolab - Deception

http://www.wnycstudios.org/story/91612-deception/ 

Watch "Bakradze - Quiet Loop" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/Fk_dU1tzWRQ 

Jones being humble and Mike Tyson testifying

 or preaching

 or giving a lecture

 or eulogizing

 or giving commencement

  or something.

 "At 54 I found out I didn't know nothin' when I was champ.

   That was youth."

- Mike Tyson

sacred and profane

Reading about subjugation and how entertainment/sport has been a rare area of attainment for The Subjugated....

And thinking about how performance is viewed differently when it is for...religion..?

(Arguably another form of subjagation)

Sacred performance and profane performance.

I'm sure this came up in clown study, but it just occurred to me now.

Where is performance allowed to be entertainment and elevated at the same time? Sacred laughter? 

Difference between those connected to the Earth/a past vs the Secular?

Where is ALL performance, to some degree (or without degree) sacred?

Mike Mainieri - I've Seen It All

Soft Machine - (Black) Velvet Mountain

(Black) Velvet Mountain - Soft Machine from Steve Ruotolo on Vimeo.

guts.

 Last night I tried to finish watching a film that I started but stopped several times out of either flagging momentary interest or lack of regard for the attempt (one actor portraying multiple identical siblings). 

  I tried again last night (this morning) and got as far as a child twin being traumatically injured.

  (broken finger tip hanging by soft tissue)

  at that point I elected to stop watching.

  (and even coming up with a description just now churned some physiological response)

  Later I tried to watch again and, when a butcher knife came out because all of the siblings had to remain identical, I gave up for good...and had the strongest physical reaction of the evening - butterflyquesiness. 

  Interesting that the worst came from an idea, not the actual gore.

  then. today.

I went outside. Walker to the end of the driveway, I noticed something in the street. That something ended up being a cat killed by a vehicle.

I thought of calling Animal Control or the city to come dispose of the remains, but I decided to take it upon myself. My mother had left and I wanted it to be gone before she noticed.

So, I dug a hole, put on a disposable glove, removed the cat. It had happened very recently. There appeared to be no signs of other animals scavenging. It must have happened during the day because no other vehicle appeared to strike it.

 And while I felt something, it didn't really compare to what I felt watching the movie. I felt bad for the cat (this is the second time I have buried a young, black feline near our house). I felt revolted at the movie.

I don't know if I could have picked it up if I had seen it happen...

as stated elsewhere, something has changed. I never used to have such strong reactions...or maybe I just spent too much time avoiding disturbing things...but gore in films definitely never affected my this much before.

maybe it's my biological clock.

(shrug)