"I think it's my personal responsibility to pour scorn on this in a glib way."

- Richard Ayoade

homework

I am currently reading three books:

one on history and perception the anglo underclass in America

the autobiography of the current Dalai Lama

a workbook on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


For some reason, the only one I seem inclined to read is the first.


I don't know if that's because the other two are, on varying levels about self-work.

and I'm lazy.


although, before I finished it, I was more inclined to read the Binti series...


I fully admit it might have to do with the comfort of escapism...

but I also have this thing about finishing prose. I think one of the reasons I used to not read is because I didn't like the time investment in following a novel through to the end.


 AND there was that short-attention-span/wondering focus thing that was once even worse than it is now.

  It is something I have already discovered, but I appear to be one of those that needs a hand held through therapy.


Moral:

if there is something you don't want to do, find something that is a more extreme degree of whatever you don't want to do, tell yourself you have to do THAT...then maybe you'll feel like doing the other thing.


And by "you",

i mean mE.




 

micdrop.

I am having a moment when I feel like I am floating around in the world, but am not part of it.

Hopefully, that will change when I work on a small project soon,

But my concern is the impermanence of the change as well as some fear that it will not go well to me*. I am having some... realization regarding my reaction to situations where people have high/er expectations of me... it's easy to be impressive when nobody sees it coming...(or that is some other thing I have yet to admit).

*I won't meet my expectations.

I want something to do, but I don't want a job.

I want to be seen/respected, but I despise hubris and fitting into expectations.

I want to be productive, but feel no real ambition toward anything.

as I am sure I've said before...(something something regressing).

too old

            to rhyme

                            too bad

                                         too late

word?

I don't know what my father was just improvising on his keyboard, or if it was improvising, 

but it sounded like Cameo.

respiration

You know that gasp that happens when a group of people are communally experiencing a story and  thing that they really , really hope is going to happen that they are suspicious but more hope might happen takes them still by surprise?

I just did that.

With a book.

I think it's the first time i have ever done that.

And the author did it BEAUTIFULLY.

(exhale)

(goes back to read page again)

edit:

Actually, I experienced a similar sensation the day before while watching an anime.

It was more relief, but it was still what I was hesitant to call the  feeling from the book: cathartic.

Interesting because neither was a conclusion.

Well, in the anime, it was toward the end of an episode.

"Last Hero". Give it a chance. Deep.


and Nnedi Okorafor is all up in my chest looking like Omi Osun Olowo.

Re:

"When you jump, it is not the height that matters, it is the space beneath you."

On Wed, May 15, 2019, 9:48 PM CWalkerJr <c.walker.jr@gmail.com> wrote:

"Movement is never mute, it is a language. It is a series of energetic shapes written in the air likenwords forming sentences. 

Like poems.

Like prayers."

- from Suspiria

"Movement is never mute, it is a language. It is a series of energetic shapes written in the air likenwords forming sentences. 

Like poems.

Like prayers."

- from Suspiria

"Delusion...is a lie that tells a truth."

- "Suspiria"

"it is better to be the head of a chicken than the tail of a bull".

- Toyo

Street Food 102