Dreams 12/26/09

This morning I dreamed that I did a motorcycle practice track day on an indoor track that seemed to have at least moments of resemblance to my childhood home.

Which, I suppose, is at least partly related to this.

MOntel?

I few days ago I had a dream I was being interviewed with something for M. Williams.

Today I had a dream that I was in Louisiana and got a call from him for an interview or something, that required me to be in NY the next day.

Think I'm not having issues regarding leaving?


(sigh)

I think I finally figured out

that,

in order to be the actor I want to be,

I need to get away from here.

There was a time I felt lazy at home.

Now I feel lazy here.

(and I don't want them to get me for those tickets I keep refusing to pay)

So. Yeah.

I watched Still Bill.

So, I think I'm gonna go ahead and go home.

Rent's cheaper there, anyway.

While shooting last night

in Union Square,
a family walked between me and me subject.
The father ( presume ) says, "nice eye".

(or "good eye")

Then, in the process of talking my ear off,
Josiah asks me,
"how old are you, 40?"

nyc.

The City

sigh....

I think I'm ready to leave here. I desire to have my own space again, and I miss my people. I miss the freedom to move about without having to partake of public transportation or yield up offerings to ye olde god Toll. Once when I went home, I missed having it. Now I relish just about every moment I'm not using the train.

Or that could just be because I very much believe in the bike.

As it stands, I don't feel there's anything in particular for me to do here. Acting, at this moment, is not a powerful enough draw for me to be here...and that has been the case for the better part of this year. I've done a reading since I came back, and it was fine, but it's nothing I don't feel like I can't live without.

At home, I feel like there's an outlet for theater..even if I'm not the one on stage.

But....

there are the lingering reasons to be here: certain people I've met that I'll miss.

and I guess that's why people stay here.

If they're here, though....and I'm able to return occasionally.....doesn't that work? That's what I do now, but it's my family on the occasional end.

I don't think there's room any longer for that to happen.

When I was home, my father -

for the first time -

looked like my grandfather; his father...

The way I remember him looking, that gaunt face.

What happens if I blink and he's gone? Then, he's gone.


Today, I went to an audition. And it was cool.

Then I went to Madison Square Park and played paparazzo with the squirrels.

Then I met my Nederlander/Surinami/Cape Verdian friend who choreographs and moves beautifully and talked with her about how this place feels so foreign...even though I remember 2 years ago when she wanted so badly to be back here.

When I was at home, she and I communicated, and one of my reasons for coming back was to not miss her. 'Cuz folk who speak Dutch ain't exactly common where I'm from.

Then I went and leaned against the curb in the pedestrian mall next to the Flatiron Bldg. and took pictures.

You can't do that anywhere else, right?

But you can do that anywhere...right?

Then I stopped and got a falafel shawerma. At the boat, somebody gave me a card for the SI Critical Mass...and we started talking about how he knows people who have places to stay...

And the ride & walk back to the apt seemed easier than usual.

So, today made me go into my questioning mode. But I guess the good days are like that.

But, if you're gonna leave...don't you want to do so smiling?

So...I think NYC's got me for a few more months. Maybe.

(shrug)

Inventory

I believe in:

the bike

the drum

the voice

the combustion (electricity + fuel = fire)

the truth

Alexander Toulouse, 8 yrs

Beanfield - Planetary Deadlock

@ last.fm

I walked away

from my first promo job yesterday,

largely due to an interaction with NY's "finest".

I have a history of displeasure for authority figures,

but it feels like some special ire for these in particular.

Perhaps it's just my general view regarding the way people deal with each other here.

Regardless....I despise the powerlessness I feel around them....how attempting to counter anything they say immediately causes me to draw back for fear of reprimand...

which is not their job.

Yet we all...most of us...seem to do it instinctually. Slowing down even though you're already doing the speed limit. Stopping for yellow lights. Purposely not looking "them" in the eye.

Pavlov is, apparently, a mutha.

So,

I walked off my first job. And now I feel stupid about it. Instead of swallowing the anger for a few more minutes I, more or less, asked to be replaced - and now I'm out of a few hundred dollars (unless company gets desperate and calls back).

Doing the promotions was supposed to be a way of dealing with the indignity of working in offices.

I think I may just have lost patience for being someone's underling.

(shrug)

I'm gonna go bang a drum, or something.

He

answered the phone and small-talked, what amounts to small talk for us anyway, for a few minutes.

The whole time I'm waiting for him to drop for it...

"Well, yeah, I was just thinking about coming up there and seeing what's going on..."

But nothing.

I assumed he was bored and just not playing as much golf...

He "had an episode" yesterday. "Heart".



(sigh)

Well...

I guess now I know why the Monster's been here with decreasing regularity over the past two years.

I actually sort of miss the monster.

Stranger still...

my father, who I've not been on great terms with, just called to wish me a happy bd and ask about the housing market in NYC.


Once......MAYBE once has he ever called me on my birthday.


Bored at work I suppose.

Today I got a djembe.

I wanted one pretty strongly in college, thought about it since then, acted on it today. I didn't go to work with the intent to do so, but the opportunity was there, and I took it.

Yes it is a Sunday, yes I was working, yes it is the day I start another circuit around the sun.

There was bit of remorse on the way home, I thought I may put out too much, felt that I got gamed a little by savvy merchant.

However...

It was strange how people kept complimenting me and the djembe. Particularly since they could see them in the same place I did, in two different places along 3rd Ave this day.

At some point I noticed the way I carried her*, on the shoulder with fingers locked around the concave middle that rested on my shoulder, close in, with the carved wood of the base against my face.

(* I think she's a she)

I ran with her for a boat that was leaving without us. We sat in the ferry terminal. I took not much notice of her as I considered changing one of the tie-died that I bought. I got into a conversation with the neph and had to remind myself several times to keep an eye on her. As we got ready to load, I attempted to hoist her onto my shoulder via her handle, or hold via the handle. Awkward.

After sitting her down to wait for the ferry bridge (moving dock arm we use to board) to clear, I picked her up in the way that seemed most comfortable: base forward, close to cheek, finger locked over middle.

I sat on the boat and put her down in front of me. I finished reading the last chapter of Ghandibhai's truth that I started on the train. I looked at her. I placed her between my legs and my hands on her head. We began to talk a bit.

I thought about how I held her.

I thought about why I got (have?) her.

We talked some more, and I was somewhat surprised that the level of communication, though still rudimentary.

We waited until the boat was completely docked and gates open before we got up to leave.

I put her on my shoulder, my fingers locked around her waist.

At first, this just happened. Then it became deliberate. Now it was ease.

I walked with her comfortably on my shoulder, set her carefully in the passenger seat...then set her more carefully in the seat.

While walking, I noticed somebody looking at (us).

While on that boat I began thinking, on the way home I continued...about how, recently, I've realized my need to explore....explore in doing. I've been wrestling about getting a motorcycle. At some point, I stopped wrestling. I need to do. I need to explore. I need to stretch.

There was a time when this was done through acting. I've taken non-deliberate, then deliberate steps away from that.

I've noticed and realized a need for exploration outside the realm of research. I need to touch, feel. The desire to do is coming more from the need to experience. On the boat with my fingers testing the sounds, running over the surface of the skin, noticing the hairs left, the small unravelling of the fibers of the cloth around the head, I looked forward toward drilling myself in the comprehension of her language,

and any remorse left. It feels right.

On this day, I've realized that...

I'm changing. In my reading. In realization. Something different seems like it's happening. I suppose, in it's a way, it's a fitting day for it to happen.

I think, maybe, I've finally grown up.

It feels a little like bringing home a first child, doesn't it?

(breath)

She's in the other room. I'm letting her get used to the place. The first night in a new place can be sort of traumatic.




We'll talk tomorrow.

I hate facebook.

(sigh)

It amazes me....

there are times when I can't stand him.

there are times I sympathize with him.

there are times I feel sorry for him.

Yesterday

I found out I taught somebody to sing.

C

uh..what?

I love that my nephew comes to me with his defacatory dilemmas.

In other news, I've been endorsed.

Whether more instructor's really think I deserved it or not.

edit: I do not, however, love hearing about his Tetris block poo.

Fat/Bike

humoroso