brittle

I am constantly getting scrapes on my shins now. I have no idea when they happen. I'm starting to think the skin is so dry/stiff there now that they just randomly open up if I move too much. 

I drink water, fair amount of green tea.

(shrug)

(for the previous)

....or maybe it's just Spring. 

elevation

I'm unsure why, but I feel slightly high/giddy (?) today.

Some sensation or...palpable metaphorical (warmth?) from under my sternum...

I don't know why. 

Lastnight spoke to Brother-in-arts...he seemed to approve part of my decision to (try to) reach out to elders I haven't seen in

decades...despite having been back close to them for decades. 

maybe part of a broader relaxation.  /decision

I think I also felt this somethingish yesterday after some exercise.. in the sun.....

some feeling of doing the right thing/making the right choice

after dwelling on the personal determination that so many 

(all?)

have been bad since - 

<hm.>

since I've been allowed to make decisions ? 

 

decades are a blink.  i think i feel like we should get more time. ___

[in

..

aooooouuuuuuuuuuut....] 

cost

i feel like i have spent a lot of emotional energy over the past week.

i fell off my motorcycle

well, down

with it.

(tweaked knee, had knee checked. knee is ok)

bikeknee is part of it, but not it.

looking at old things...helpful in some ways....

had an     affect.    affects.         

some feels.   much feels     big

some perspective         sseemed like some forgiveness        sometimes

but    maybe read too much

too long       too late

too late

tired

tired

(tried?)

poor little heart scattered in too many places

*too obtuse to get old references

and i wish google ai would stop trying to fix this.

I just got a scam email written as a PSA about scam emails.

(sigh)

Earth needs an enema. 

i shouldn't have looked those pictures

Writhing 

Shuddering

wishing i cld crawl out of my own skin

missing

not recognizing 

wishing you wld call

        or you

or you

            or you

or y

Rebbie

It is at this point in history that I have listened to Rebbie Jackson's album Centipede for the first time.

And it is also the first time that I understand for what "centipede" is a maetaphor in the song "Centipede".

Amazingly, almost the whole album is like that.

I just took a bite of a slice of fresh cucumber with some Tony Chachere's on it and had just the slightest impulse to moonwalk.

Just a little bit.

"The opposite of faith

isn't doubt, it's certainty. "

- Friar Tony Doherty

A word that I didn't know was a word, but likely would have compounded at some point:

magniloquent

#ThanksWEB

I scream

Until a few moments ago, I'd not realized that "creamsicle" is a portmanteau of "ice cream" and "popsicle", as that product is a combination of the same.

Sugar is still the devil.

aspiration

i just learned/remembered that i have reached the point in life where I can no longer wake up/eat/immediately lay back down again.

Thanks, weak esophageal sphincter! 

Cats hate fireworks

and I think I agree. 

'like sifting sand through a screen,

we sift people. If you had not been able to control your impulses, like an animal, we could not let you live. You inherit too much power.'

(Dune)

Traveling to mars

(Placeholder)

"In captivity...

...one must keep one's mind active, but not too active."

(pantheon202)

bite

I recently had a dental cleaning. A month prior to that I had an exam over a concern for gum recession. I have a lingering concern about a capped tooth that doesn't fit correctly by my judgement.

It took me a while to get the appointment because:

I currently use the insurance of the un-riche.

I prefer to go to private offices rather than "community health centers" (which, though they sound public, aren't).

Some anxiety over wanting to go to a different provider than the one who did the cap...

And likely other things.

Last overnight, I dreamed I spontaneously lost (at least) four teeth (and gum tissue).

I wonder at the connection...but I am not convinced there directly is one...or what my self is trying to use previous angst to tell me about ongoing anxiety.

And now I am wondering about the similarity of those two "a" words.

https://youtu.be/FqnYuKAgkUM?feature=shared

sufferage

I feel like chapter 25 of  DuBois' "The Silver Fleece" explains a lot.

Closed circuit

i just tried to play a series of brain exercise games.

And i noticed difficulty following fast moving objects or tracking more than one.

And i noticed i was holding my breath when I couldn't  track or understand the game

And my anxiety increased when i heard the "wrong answer" sound

And trying to breathe more deeply/with more intention didn't help

And several wrongs in a row caused a feeling in my ...solar plexus?

A not-good(?) tingling (?)

it's hard to deal with conflict

and it's hard to deal with duplicity 

And it's hard to deal with failure 

with losing

and there's a feeling like nausea 

except for the soul

                   the self

I'm going to lose 

I'm going to lose

                              it.

it hurts. 

I'm hurt

I was hurt

I'm  tired

I want to go home

I have no home

I have to shut my eyes 

I covered my eyes 

I had to stop

I had to put it down

I had to stop

I put it down...and closed my eyes...and my breath came back to me.

I just sighed. 

I am going to play something different now.

:-|