{this was originally written 4 days ago (monday?), but I never sent it. I am sending it now in anticipation of saying a thing to a person..maybe. I will likely edit/proof this later.}
I don't usually put things this personal here. Not anymore.
I may move it later.
February of 2001 was the last time i was truly happy and had hope. And saw a future.
There was someone i loved and didn't, apparently tell them...
(this feels like too much to say again)
Almost a month ago, i looked at some pictures, and it floored me...'feeling of overwhelming loss'.
'flood of emotion'
And i wanted desperately to cry. a flood of tears. But only moisture came out.
And it opened up connection to emotions that i cut/have been cut off from for a while,
But i didn't understand what i was feeling, if it was real
'
And i went searching for answers in old mesaages and letters. For weeks. I found something last week i wrote to myself.
Last Friday... (Thursday night) i went looking somewhere i had already. I found a letter in an email. It was the thing for which i'd written to myself. It was a letter to someone who...
who i wanted to marry. and lost..
starting from (friday?) I'd been trying to read it. I spent a couple days (ithink) on the first page. That page was an explanation/a content warning.
I don't know if i ever sent it.
Today is Monday. It is morning. I finally finished it.
Maybe not quite as intense - but again...
I am so sorrowful for that person who missed what was already a second chance because he wasn't sure or ready and was distracted or scared and didnt seek help and didnt ask what he should do.
I thought abt a friend and his partner, and how much he loves her.
I thought about what it would be like to read him this letter and then ask him to tell his partner he loves her.
Because that is the closest i could come. And sorrow was there, and some water came..
This is full of holes. This process was supposed to be about filling them.
I havr been trying to figure out what it is i need to say; what it is I want to know.
I want to know when was the moment I lost... that chance
for the last time.
I waa going to offer this person those pictures. They are of them. I dont know if i should...if can keep them. I'm trying to figure out if it is just a ploy to see if that person...if they mean anything to them.
If they don't care, it's easier to say goodbye, maybe.
Peace:
cW
cW
