(sigh)
The general policy of 'next' would've been far more immediately accessible had I done the work I prepared to do, knowing that in that work, they would've seen whatever they needed for the additional consideration.
And I knew that.
And was told that.
And still didn't just do what I should have, which was the work I'd already prepared.
In what I did do - too much incidental, not enough extra.
And that is why I was so affected.
I am now disappointed, but not depressively so.
angerwithselfisuseful(only?)whenitservesasacalltoarms,
therefore: a call to arms
____
I decided yester/today should be significant somehow, so I decided to fast for the first time in nearly 13 years. It was strange that, as soon as I decided to fast, the thought of food immediately began to dominate me secondary thoughts. I was fine when I thought about not eating, but as soon as my thoughts went elsewhere, the notion to get up and eat was nearly involuntary. I was actually catching myself in the motion to get something to eat. I don't remember that sensation impacting me that way the last time...
I got to the point where I was having to convince myself to not consider any of the deals my habit/urge was trying to make with my conscious decision - and found out that my habit/urge can be pretty dern persuasive. Explains some weakensses displayed in the past....
A few hours in, I decided this wouldn't be the 3 day, complete starvation attempt from back yonder - the attempt that led to me sneaking a small handful of my then roommate's Cheerios™ in the wee hours of the second day. This is just to mark today. I started with some seltzer water, then threw back some filtered tap, followed by a flagon of the current roomie's laichee black with honey. There've been a couple of influential pangs since, but it's now settled into fairly benign sensation.
Since then, it's been mostly the plaintive consideration of the beneficialities of the practice of dicipline, when the spirit should follow the mind vs. following the body, how different it is to TALK about benefit of the fast (for over a decade) versus the action. I'm gonna go do some stretchin' and invertin' once I finish tappin' this out.
We'll see how things go when I venture out into the city later on.
Other things done for self to mark the occasion of this particular .274 percent of the Julian calendar:
- tossed nearly $50 bucks into the wind toward my surprisingly-regular-pretty-much-annual-hey-look-I-actually-got-some-new-music annual music purchase.
- decided to devote real-life (as much as the US $ can be considered "actual") dough toward trying life with Skype. I believe I may have found a solution to the dearth of choice involved with HotSpot@Home. At least until there's a Curve with Wi-Fi that'll convince eschew my current two device policy.
/just to be clear->HB,G\
