The beginning of anything

must be the hardest thing in the world.

Live. Now.

(inhale)

(exhale)

(absorb)

(explode)

:-#

.....

I grew up not being normal.

In high school I was usually never around kids like me.

(which I now realize sounds...chauvinistic?)

I have always been an exception.

So, I came to this city full of "exceptional" people, never intending to
stay here the 10 years I have.

I realized I'm weird here, too.

Recently, I tried feeling normal....and it was nice for a while,

but I think I've come to a conclusion pressed home by the weight of 12
million signs:

it doesn't matter where I go,

I will always occupy a space outside of whatever the local average is.

I am inherently,

biologically

intrinsically,

chemically,

genetically,

not

normal.

Never before have I wanted to peel off my (_____)ness,

not because I no longer want it,
because I feel I no longer deserve it.

"Green, indeed,

is the colour of lovers. "

(sigh)

My manager* gets on my nerves.





(* as in "agent", not "supervisor")

I am changing.

I thought I might be for a couple years now, but there is a definite difference in this moment.


I am a ball of raw nerves. I need something, I think.

I respond.

I finally changed my license. I decided to be where I am.

I want desperately to love, but I won't admit it.

I want to drink you in, I want to wash myself over with you even though I know you're no good for me.

I will fight.


so,
basically,


I think I'm turning normal.

I am currently on the boat watching

a family playing a charade-type game via mobile device and am not annoyed by it.

....?

"The United States Census Bureau defines White people as those "having origins in any of the original peoples of Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa."

http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/meta/long_RHI505210.htm

bolas azules

I am not quite certain what I did to invite it, considering there's been
no arousal to speak of today and certainly nothing intense and prolonged
to invite the condition,

but Righty is tender.

I assume I'm being paid back. For something.

Ok. I'll be good.


(ow)

Today's theorem

Truth is like energy. It can neither be created nor destroyed.

It is. Always.

I don't think I know enough people

who understand the glory involved in having just been called "The Stig".

(walking around with helmet on)

I am officially declaring a moratorium on playwrights that write dialogue with no punctuation and call it "stream of consciousness" or "stream of thought".

If it's written correctly, we'll get what it is

Furthermore, people reading the script need the punctuation SO THEY KNOW WHAT THEY $#??$ YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

I have moments

When I understand that I am nothing but the average of a 12 year old boy and a dirty old man. 

I am tired of my temper testing my patience.

(particularly when my patience loses)

I took the 3:30 drunk boat, saw a man so incapacitated his friends were carrying him arm-under-arm onto the boat.

Then I went to the front of the main deck (in effort to avoid a perceived high potential for drunken stupidity. I ate a little, thought a little...and looked around to see several people dosing on each other's shoulders, laps, chests and couples boo'ed up.

It was the first time I've ever found anything about the ferry in the wee hours on the weekend remotely adorable.

Maybe that's progress.

Today,

while on the train:

I saw a youngwoman whose face seemed as though she could have been hewed by spirits from wood

sanded in so many steps that all separation of grain and splinter melted into a consistent hue -

and rubbed with oil so that she shone.



And I found myself almost-despairing that I was not alone...

and that I had no tears...

so that I could weep the pleasure of the seeing.

A Note to Any Future Cohabitants

I need to always be near a steady, abundant supply of paper towels.

Seinfeld to Stern

"Your career is a victory over the self...you conquered yourself."

("conquered your self"?)

Right.