Thursday, November 21, 2024

sufferage

I feel like chapter 25 of  DuBois' "The Silver Fleece" explains a lot.

Saturday, November 02, 2024

Closed circuit

i just tried to play a series of brain exercise games.

And i noticed difficulty following fast moving objects or tracking more than one.

And i noticed i was holding my breath when I couldn't  track or understand the game

And my anxiety increased when i heard the "wrong answer" sound

And trying to breathe more deeply/with more intention didn't help

And several wrongs in a row caused a feeling in my ...solar plexus?

A not-good(?) tingling (?)

it's hard to deal with conflict
and it's hard to deal with duplicity 
And it's hard to deal with failure 

with losing

and there's a feeling like nausea 

except for the soul
                   the self

I'm going to lose 
I'm going to lose
                              it.


it hurts. 
I'm hurt
I was hurt

I'm  tired

I want to go home
I have no home


I have to shut my eyes 
I covered my eyes 


I had to stop
I had to put it down
I had to stop


I put it down...and closed my eyes...and my breath came back to me.


I just sighed. 


I am going to play something different now.

:-|

Wednesday, October 09, 2024

Please. Leave me alone.

Please,

leave me alone.

Please:

leave me alone.

Please -

leave me alone.

Please;

leave me alone.

PleaseLeaveMeAlonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleav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Saturday, September 14, 2024

I have reached the point in my life where James Earl Jones and Frankie Beverly are no longer here...

And I don't know what to do with that.

Saturday, July 13, 2024

froidian

I am taking an indefinite leave from my position as an amateur therapist/counselor.

I will also not be writing any recommendation, letter or otherwise.

Friday, April 26, 2024

Vision

On this day about 30 minutes ago, I realize that my impaired vision has decided to trade Chris biopia for nearsightedness. It would have been helpful had this discovery not been made while driving. Welcome to the world today.

Saturday, February 10, 2024

subspace

I just became 'emotional' listening to Intergalactic.

I was about to say it's the first time I've listened to it in headphones...I don't think it is. Maybe it isn't.

I was imagining what it would be like to do a pro wrestling chaos ring entry to it.

The intro is amazing.


The house smells like somebody's deep fried something and feels like it will continue to do so for months.



I wish we would stop doing bad things ourselves with someone else's food.


Related: it took me a few listens while on the bike to get it*, but "I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher" is one of the greatest lyrics in English.


(*Thought it was "Scrabble"...which would have been merely excellent)

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

"trapped in a dream of endless options"

-from 'Pluto'

Monday, December 04, 2023

Friday, November 10, 2023

warning

My mother is currently wearing a shirt that says "Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to put the bodies" while making at least 8 sweet potato pies.

Saturday, November 04, 2023

Saturday, August 12, 2023

Dream

I don't know how I ended up dreaming about LIGHTYEAR, mixed with For all mankind, I but I was thinking about FAM earlier. Animated buzz, but his partner was live - moon base laby commander from FAM...felt like recap of LY except with her? Colony ship gets attacked? She has to hide? Only slept 2+hrs.

Saturday, July 22, 2023

dream

last night dreamt I was passenger in a car at night. when car goth high beams on came behind.

made sign for them to turn down and they took it as a threat and flashed weapon.

rest of dream deciding to report

gold grand marquis with 6 ppl on it... 6 digit license plate


dunno why. not pleasant.

Sunday, July 16, 2023

D re am to d ay

Had dream abt cats.. Odd because the  grey wolf was in it.

Looked like.. San fran? Outside. 

Cat jumps on my back while I'm talking to someone. 


Realize it's grey. Go to apt nearby I've delivered to (don't know why) .. He's on head.  While there landlord comes up, then tennant comes out

Then LL has removed steps. 

I ask how are we to get down.

Suddenly we are moving... Whole stairwell as a unit.. Like a box... Elevator car...as if lifted by crane. 

It is front loader with fork attachment

Taken to... Subway stop? 

Dropped

Was not in traveling clothes 

Thai fishers, baja jacket.. Things don't match 


greywolfbear remains on head whole time, unmoved

Instead of placed on ground.. Taken to  

Sunday, June 18, 2023

Ross Gay

'to achieve humanity, you i have to share delight'

- (paraphrase) 

Sunday, March 26, 2023

short

I wish

   when I was forming 

that thered have been someone there to tell me


that my interests are 

words

                 and 

behavior 

Sunday, February 12, 2023

Something about linear age

vs practical age vs perceived age vs (some word that begins with c age)

... age changes by the amount we've  lived minus the AMT of time we no longer remember 

Friday, November 18, 2022

"it is solely by risking one's life that freedom is attained"

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/97608-it-is-solely-by-risking-life-that-freedom-is-obtained

Friday, October 14, 2022

Thursday, October 06, 2022

I posit that there is a point at which a (_ _ _) wants to be heard and understood rather than humores, regardless of affection involved.

Saturday, August 06, 2022

the Truth can hurt

when it is a treatment for a cancerous lie,

that has been eating away at your soul for a lifetime,

and you didn't know

THAT was the source 

of your pain all along.



the Truth is a healer.


(creatorcontroller)makemeahealer



{butbecarefulwhatIaskfor}

Sunday, July 10, 2022

" The misperception of communication on this planet is that it has taken place."

The Man Who Fell to Earth  ep103
"Feelings are too big for words."

The Umbrella Academy season 3 ep 10


Monday, June 27, 2022

'Why One Neuroscientist Started Blasting His Core'

 

The Pitt team didn't think the primary motor cortex would control the adrenal medulla at all. But there are a whole lot of neurons there that do. And when you look at where those neurons are located, most are in the axial muscle part of that cortex.

“Something about axial control has an impact on stress responses,” Strick reasons. 

 

Why One Neuroscientist Started Blasting His Core

An anatomical understanding of how movement controls the body’s stress response system

 


Monday, May 23, 2022

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

meme

I am sitting here reading, for the first time in almost-if-not 20 years what was, I think, the first play* I did completely outside of school (or through school affiliation).

I am reading it because I have assigned part of it for a class.

It's odd to feel the much nostalgia for something that didnt happen when I was a child...20-year-nostlagia.

Hm.

Saturday, March 05, 2022

"Exhilaration enhances the absorption of knowledge."

Spock from a memoir of his time in Starfleet Academy.

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

new love

 According to Uta Hagen in Respect for Acting, 

 

"amateur" 


in its original meaning, 


doesn't mean 'novice'.


it's means 'a lover'....as in a lover of something or someone who pursues something for love.


hm. 


amateur.

Monday, January 03, 2022

Friday, December 31, 2021

Friday, November 19, 2021

"..what is grief if not love persevering?"


The Vision - Wandavision ep 8

Wednesday, November 03, 2021

"The act of telling a story changes the tale."

The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk

Someone, please, cut this dog's nails...

...so I can cuddle her.

She is eager,

but she is sharp.

Saturday, October 16, 2021

A film centered on or near to an Afro father and euro son.

(Figuratively, etc)

Thursday, October 14, 2021

"your hair looks like a merkin from a giant"

phrasing.

I think I'm going to start a blog thet consists of just phrases I think are excellent ir excellently crafted.

First up: "irregular pubic borders"

(MAPLEWORTH MURDERS SEASON 1 EP 9)

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

1992 NYC Police Riot

As long as I lived there, I never heard about this.

 

One wonders how many of them were from SI.

 

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2021/10/the-forgotten-city-hall-riot.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

"your reaction will lift you clear out of the region of such material matters as appetite."

Marilla - Anne with an E

Friday, September 17, 2021

Sweet Tooth dream

 I've been watching the series on netflix, and reading the comic series. I was reading it just before going to sleep, so I guess that had some influence on the dream.


 There's not much detail - I was in a that looked like the larger half of a sweet in the quadrangle at the University of Houston. I was there with three other people, and we appeared to be doing audio work or audio engineering. One person was, I guess, our boss. Her father showed up, who seem to want to take over or boss us around what were you doing. That didn't sit well with the other two people, and they seem to know that this was going to happen when he got there. When he got there and started doing just that, I said 'no, I'm leaving'. This upset the boss personal, and my response was to say 'okay if you want me to stay I'll stay'. That's where dream ended.

  The young boss lady appeared to be the character Bear from Sweet Tooth. 

  I've got no ideas as to potential meaning.  I did recently stay with someone who was acting in a supervisory position, and their father passed through one weekend. However, that doesn't really feel connected.

 

 

 

Thursday, September 09, 2021

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