It occurs to me

that a periodic date is useful because it is good exercise in attentiveness.

Or just good exercise?

Perhaps I'll explain more later.

...that moment when one looks down

and realizes that strange, thin shadow on the floor is not a shadow at all,

but that length of lock that had been hanging on for dear life

that you didn't want to let go.

Oops!

nevermind. Puma.com has them 30% off for the weekend...

Not exactly the right colors, so crisis mostly averted.

zapatos

Of course, now that I have a little money with which to buy (and keep
this time) those Puma Whirlwind Classics, NOBODY has them in my damnably
common size.



Boo. Boo, I say.




(sigh)




In other news: sex ruins everything.

The ducat$

A week of cool, high-school-cute normalcy descended into personal annoyance and emotional volatility dropping headlong into a descent of regular new bad news.

So, a week of nice was the precursor to 10 days of relative hell of one sort or another.

(as it turns out, I'm really sensitive to room colors and having my stuff touched

And about 30 minutes ago my roommate walks in and hands me two letters, one being from my "talent manager".

I open it and see a four figure check.

And I immediately looked up and sighed in relief, as I'd just paid rent, and in the midst of sorting through job postings on the state employment site.

And then, being the cerebral nitwit I am, I thought about it.

I'd much rather my cousin could still coddle and care for her 7 month old son.

I'd much rather my other cousin was watching his daughter play in the spring-soon-summer sun instead of holding her little unconscious hand after surgery and in preparation for a round of chemo.

I'd much rather my father were feeling better and able to putt around after he putt a round.

And I like, REALLY despise money....


but I sighed that sigh,

didn't I?

The beginning of anything

must be the hardest thing in the world.

Live. Now.

(inhale)

(exhale)

(absorb)

(explode)

:-#

.....

I grew up not being normal.

In high school I was usually never around kids like me.

(which I now realize sounds...chauvinistic?)

I have always been an exception.

So, I came to this city full of "exceptional" people, never intending to
stay here the 10 years I have.

I realized I'm weird here, too.

Recently, I tried feeling normal....and it was nice for a while,

but I think I've come to a conclusion pressed home by the weight of 12
million signs:

it doesn't matter where I go,

I will always occupy a space outside of whatever the local average is.

I am inherently,

biologically

intrinsically,

chemically,

genetically,

not

normal.

Never before have I wanted to peel off my (_____)ness,

not because I no longer want it,
because I feel I no longer deserve it.

"Green, indeed,

is the colour of lovers. "

(sigh)

My manager* gets on my nerves.





(* as in "agent", not "supervisor")

I am changing.

I thought I might be for a couple years now, but there is a definite difference in this moment.


I am a ball of raw nerves. I need something, I think.

I respond.

I finally changed my license. I decided to be where I am.

I want desperately to love, but I won't admit it.

I want to drink you in, I want to wash myself over with you even though I know you're no good for me.

I will fight.


so,
basically,


I think I'm turning normal.

I am currently on the boat watching

a family playing a charade-type game via mobile device and am not annoyed by it.

....?

"The United States Census Bureau defines White people as those "having origins in any of the original peoples of Europe, the Middle East, or North Africa."

http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/meta/long_RHI505210.htm