I wish I had words

for the way I feel right now.

It's this strange active melancholy. It doesn't disable me. I was just folding clothes. It like the remnant of the guilt of sitting on the computer all day or sleeping all day when I know there's things to do....or like when I look around and embarrassed at the idea that someone might see my room in it's current state of squalor.

Or the thought that I'm neither near a relationship that would result in a fruitful family life or in a stable enough condition to provide for one.

There is downtempo music playing on my computer adding to this strange atmosphere.

Yet I'm not paralyzed into malaise by depression. I'm folding clothes.

It's like the difference between floating in the muck and wallowing to get chores done. You feel the energy/momentum and have glimpses of the ideas to get you out of the funk, but you don't quite make the effort to leave it.

Floating adrift on a raft of intent.

And the more you float, the more you recognize that the energy is temporary. It's like a drug, you use it just long enough to get you up to the kitchen to get a sandwich, knowing that you won't be distancing yourself from procrastination self-dismissal long enough to get you anywhere useful.

You just float. You don't scream, but you think about screaming. You don't run - even though you feel the electricity in your thighs buzzing to crack you into forward momentum.

You just exist, just enough.

Because you fear succeeding. Because success means dealing with the responsibility of success, and that may be scarier than the prospect of failure.

The shore is scarier than the muck. You're used to that.

You exist...

(shrug)

mmm...sugar

Read.

Damn

Scroll to photo all the way at the bottom.

Not a "chronic smoker" you say?

You mean you want anything to do with something that can make you look like that?

Whatever, man.

Arin, I thought about you

alot today. I was walking around the building I'm working in this week, and it occurred to me that death seems incredibly unnatural.

How is it you can have this being that has the capacity to create, to imagine.... To develop deep intricate models of concepts physically and figuratively removed from them by infinite measures of time, distance, dimension, existence just cease to be.

How does that energy just dissipate without still being able to perceive it? Shouldn't there be some kind of black hole everytime somebody passes? At least something resembling a small star going supernova?

And for a second, I thought I'd had this really great philosophical, spiritual, metaphysical self-realization.

That second was interrupted with the realization that this occurred to somebody a long, long time ago, and that's why we've been worshipping/sacrificing/praying ever since....


(smirk)

Arin Hill

At 12:48 I received an e-mail that friend of mine that from the University of Texas died from cancer this past Saturday.

She and Skee were the first personal relations to see me in Yellowman. I was surprised at how good it felt to have her there...to have somebody feel that my work was important for them to see. I didn't really appreciate her until after the conversation we had while I took to the airport - she flew down from Chicago to see the play...

I talked to her in July about her coming here for a visit. I'd been meaning to call her back. I regret not having done so.

I just saw somebody last night that reminded me of her.

I'm tired of people dying. I'm scared of who might be next.

If there's something you have to tell me, please say it now.

If there's something I'm supposed to tell you, don't let my procrastination keep you from it.

Goodbye, Arin. Thanks for club night and thanks again for coming to see me in St. Louis. I wish I'd have come to see you in Chicago this summer.

peace

Nice

What would it look like if you mixed break dancing & cross-country running?

My guess.

Today

Sunny, in the 70's, breezy.

Like spring.

Or early fall.

Nice day to be in the Poconos

Gorgeous.

Meloncholy

n/m

I won't put it in my hair (again), so why would I eat it?

Were you aware that hominy grits are ground feed corn that has been
soaked in lye?

I'll stick to plain corn grits...

Dude Just Funny...

{dag...there's was a funny pic involving C. O'Brien here...but I don't know what it was and the link is now broken. This what happens when you're lazy and you don't go back and anchor your pics to your personally saved files. Alas...}

(wokkawokkawokka)

"How to Pick the Right Girl"

I need to take a peek back at the Song of Solomon
<http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/Bible/Song_of_Solomon.html>, but I'm
pretty sure I don't agree with this.