Saturday, November 02, 2024

Closed circuit

i just tried to play a series of brain exercise games.

And i noticed difficulty following fast moving objects or tracking more than one.

And i noticed i was holding my breath when I couldn't  track or understand the game

And my anxiety increased when i heard the "wrong answer" sound

And trying to breathe more deeply/with more intention didn't help

And several wrongs in a row caused a feeling in my ...solar plexus?

A not-good(?) tingling (?)

it's hard to deal with conflict
and it's hard to deal with duplicity 
And it's hard to deal with failure 

with losing

and there's a feeling like nausea 

except for the soul
                   the self

I'm going to lose 
I'm going to lose
                              it.


it hurts. 
I'm hurt
I was hurt

I'm  tired

I want to go home
I have no home


I have to shut my eyes 
I covered my eyes 


I had to stop
I had to put it down
I had to stop


I put it down...and closed my eyes...and my breath came back to me.


I just sighed. 


I am going to play something different now.

:-|

Wednesday, October 09, 2024

Please. Leave me alone.

Please,

leave me alone.

Please:

leave me alone.

Please -

leave me alone.

Please;

leave me alone.

PleaseLeaveMeAlonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleav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easeleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealoneplea


Saturday, September 14, 2024

I have reached the point in my life where James Earl Jones and Frankie Beverly are no longer here...

And I don't know what to do with that.

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