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Tuesday, December 10, 2024

"In captivity...

...one must keep one's mind active, but not too active."


(pantheon202)

Thursday, December 05, 2024

bite

I recently had a dental cleaning. A month prior to that I had an exam over a concern for him recession. I have a lingering concern about a capped tooth that doesn't fit correctly by my judgement.

It took me a while to get the appointment because:

I currently use the insurance of the un-riche.

I prefer to go to private offices than "community health centers" (which, though they sound public, aren't).

Some anxiety over wanting to go to a different provider than the one who did the cap...

And likely other things.


Last overnight, I dreamed I spontaneously lost (at least) four teeth (and gum tissue).


I wonder at the connection...but I am not convinced there directly is one...or what my self is trying to use previous anxt to tell me about ongoing anxiety.


And now I am wondering about the similarity of those two "a" words.



Thursday, November 21, 2024

sufferage

I feel like chapter 25 of  DuBois' "The Silver Fleece" explains a lot.

Saturday, November 02, 2024

Closed circuit

i just tried to play a series of brain exercise games.

And i noticed difficulty following fast moving objects or tracking more than one.

And i noticed i was holding my breath when I couldn't  track or understand the game

And my anxiety increased when i heard the "wrong answer" sound

And trying to breathe more deeply/with more intention didn't help

And several wrongs in a row caused a feeling in my ...solar plexus?

A not-good(?) tingling (?)

it's hard to deal with conflict
and it's hard to deal with duplicity 
And it's hard to deal with failure 

with losing

and there's a feeling like nausea 

except for the soul
                   the self

I'm going to lose 
I'm going to lose
                              it.


it hurts. 
I'm hurt
I was hurt

I'm  tired

I want to go home
I have no home


I have to shut my eyes 
I covered my eyes 


I had to stop
I had to put it down
I had to stop


I put it down...and closed my eyes...and my breath came back to me.


I just sighed. 


I am going to play something different now.

:-|

Wednesday, October 09, 2024

Please. Leave me alone.

Please,

leave me alone.

Please:

leave me alone.

Please -

leave me alone.

Please;

leave me alone.

PleaseLeaveMeAlonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemealonepleaseleavemea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Saturday, September 14, 2024

I have reached the point in my life where James Earl Jones and Frankie Beverly are no longer here...

And I don't know what to do with that.

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

 hqppy birthday, gwen.

Saturday, July 13, 2024

froidian

I am taking an indefinite leave from my position as an amateur therapist/counselor.

I will also not be writing any recommendation, letter or otherwise.

Friday, April 26, 2024

Vision

On this day about 30 minutes ago, I realize that my impaired vision has decided to trade Chris biopia for nearsightedness. It would have been helpful had this discovery not been made while driving. Welcome to the world today.

Sunday, February 25, 2024

Friday, February 23, 2024

I'm listening to Jazzy (from the Recycle or Die compilation) by Stevie B-Zet on SomaFM http://somafm.com/gsclassic 

Saturday, February 10, 2024

subspace

I just became 'emotional' listening to Intergalactic.

I was about to say it's the first time I've listened to it in headphones...I don't think it is. Maybe it isn't.

I was imagining what it would be like to do a pro wrestling chaos ring entry to it.

The intro is amazing.


The house smells like somebody's deep fried something and feels like it will continue to do so for months.



I wish we would stop doing bad things ourselves with someone else's food.


Related: it took me a few listens while on the bike to get it*, but "I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher" is one of the greatest lyrics in English.


(*Thought it was "Scrabble"...which would have been merely excellent)

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

"trapped in a dream of endless options"

-from 'Pluto'